urgent advice needed

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just started setting some boundaries to my BPD mother, like not calling me names. An hour ago she got really irritated when I tried to calmly organise the evening and not to be poushed around with her demands. She came to me with the intent to hit me, and she did: startes to knock me in the head. I didn't really got hurt physically, but emotionaly a lot. She didn't used to hit me when I was a child, but ever since I became an adult (and that's for a while now), she tries to raise her hand for some low harming punches. This time while doing so, she hurt her wrist (to my head) and told me: "if my wrist is broke, I'm gonna ***".Really nervous and upset I left. But I came back just to propose to call ambulance, but she told me she'd go to the hospital tomorrow and if I called ambulance it would be for me. So I left again, I said I won't be back tonight. And now I don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go to, noone to tell my problems. This is the first time I do so. I could try to find some hotel room till tomorrow,   but I also fear for my mother, because if she needed help, noone could take care of her (I'm talking about health problems and her rage attack). I don't think I would be in danger if I came back, but then she would have won her battle and I would have to listen all night what a bad daughter I am and hear all sort of name calling. I had enough of this. Looks like my mother is totally dependant on me and I'm co dependend. HELP.

[FoxC]

I just started setting some boundaries to my BPD mother, like not calling me names. An hour ago she got really irritated when I tried to calmly organise the evening and not to be poushed around with her demands. She came to me with the intent to hit me, and she did: startes to knock me in the head. I didn't really got hurt physically, but emotionaly a lot. She didn't used to hit me when I was a child, but ever since I became an adult (and that's for a while now), she tries to raise her hand for some low harming punches. This time while doing so, she hurt her wrist (to my head) and told me: "if my wrist is broke, I'm gonna ***".Really nervous and upset I left. But I came back just to propose to call ambulance, but she told me she'd go to the hospital tomorrow and if I called ambulance it would be for me. So I left again, I said I won't be back tonight. And now I don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go to, noone to tell my problems. This is the first time I do so. I could try to find some hotel room till tomorrow,   but I also fear for my mother, because if she needed help, noone could take care of her (I'm talking about health problems and her rage attack). I don't think I would be in danger if I came back, but then she would have won her battle and I would have to listen all night what a bad daughter I am and hear all sort of name calling. I had enough of this. Looks like my mother is totally dependant on me and I'm co dependend. HELP.

[Living Life]

Oh my! My very short opinion: stay away for the night. If you have a friend you can call, sleep there, or get a hotel room. If anything happens to your mom, it is up to her to handle it. She is an adult, you are not her caretaker. By leaving, you are setting a boundary, and making a definite statement about what you will and won't tolerate. All you can control is yourself. You deserve a happy life.

[Harri]

Hi.  How are you doing now?  Are you safe?

I agree with Living Life.  Get a hotel room for at least tonight.  Consider calling 911 and reporting her as a danger... .last resort I know, but it needs to be said.  first thing tho is to look after yourself.

Your situation will not change unless you change the way you respond to her threats and attacks so leaving and finding a place to stay is the best thing you can do.  She will most likely be just fine by herself. 

Take care of you.  Keep us posted.

[FoxC]

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it a lot that someone has responded. Unfortunately, after several hours hanging outside, I came back. Mostly to check on her. She was fine, blamed me for starting the fight, told me she's going to tell it at my work (I work at a hospital). Told me to turn off the light cause she needed to sleep. 

Needless to say I have a huge separation anxiety and I'm ashame of it.

I tried to call my (ex ?) BPDbf (I'll write some time later about this (un)fortunate coincidence), but he has cut me off few days ago because I was not paying him enough attention, and won't respond now... I feel so damn alone... No other close friends, nor family... .Ironically, my mother was my closest friend for all my life. She was mostly the Jackyl mother, now she's mostly the Hide (espetially after divorce) Now I'm feeling like I've lived an illusion... I have no idea what to think of my life.

I'm wresting in my bed, tired, knowing I won't be able to sleep, venting here... But I know it's urgent for me to change. I don't know though if I'll have the courage to go through this.

[Harri]

Hi again.  Okay, so lets take a look at what happened.

She raged. (same old behavior)
You left  (brand new behavior that is incredibly difficult to do!)
You went back after a few hours.  (That really is a long time)
Your mother blamed you (same old behavior)
She went to bed and you are now in (relative) peace. (new behavior? as a result of you leaving)

Overall, I would say you did very very well.  It is hard to walk away.  Very very hard.  Yet you did it.  Congratulations!

You went back... .that is okay.   Really.  It took me many times with 2 planned moves (that I cancelled) to move out of my parents house.  I was mid to late 30's.  I understand.  I am not saying all this to make it about me but to let you know it is hard and we all understand.  Anxiety is expected in this sort of situation.  You are trying to change a lifetime of programming here.  It won't be smooth and easy but it is definitely worth it to separate from your mom.

More importantly though you said:  

I don't know though if I'll have the courage to go through this.

You just proved you do have the courage.

I am glad you found us and decided to post.  We all get it and we can help support you.  You are not alone is you include us.

[Harri]

 I was thinking about what I wrote and realized I left out some big parts.  So sorry.

When I say separate, I do not mean leave her permanently of anything like that, but emotionally.  It is a hard bond to break but as you learn more about BPD behaviors and what drives them it can help to not let go and realize that you can't fix her nor should you even try.  I can also helpo you to depersonalize the behaviors as you realize that her behavior is all about her and really has nothing much at all to do with you.

Okay, I don't want to dump a bunch of info especially if you already know all of this.  I just wanted to clarify.

I hope you keep posting.

Take care

[FoxC]

Thanks Harri, you are really nice. I've never felt this horrible in my life. Don't know how I'll go through the day with this emotional state, but your words calm me somehow. I managed to sleep an hour or so and caught myself wanting to wake up in my illusion again... .  No, I have some work to do with myself... See you guys soon...

[Turkish]

FoxC,

Even though you are younger and stronger, this is domestic violence.  Due to her age, the tables could turn,  so to speak,  into elder abuse, even if she is the aggressor. 

Have you thought about calling a local DV hotline? The call would be anonymous.  Even though they are set up to provide support for intimate partners, they could provide you with safety tips,  and refer you to recources which could further help you on your specific situation. 

Turkish

[FoxC]

I just wanted to update this event... .and analyze it some more.

So, the other evening my mother came raging, smacking me in the head like a windmill. It has happened a couple of times already this past couple of years, but this time it was a really minor (if not non-existent) event that cracked her. Throughout my all childhood, she hit me only twice, she even protected me harshly from any physical violence of my father. I know that when I defend my self, she considers it come an attack, and if I don't submit, I think her violence could escalate to really dangerous insanity. This time I just covered my face and, the irony, when she stopped, she realized that she had hit her wrist to my steel hair stick really bad. The rest I've written more or less... .

The next morning, she continued on blaming ME that I had beaten her and now, look at her wrist! and how could I... .(I just want to understand, does she really think so? Does she feel this? How on earth?) . It was swollen, true. She insisted that I'd instruct her how to go to doctor (true, she doesn't know the city well), but she refused me to take her. She demanded me to help her get dressed... .like hook her bra, because of her wrist... .as I was looking at her speechless, she laughed me at face and asked "what? what is it? won't you help me?". I did. I came back after work, asked her briefly about her visit to the doctor's, apparently it wasn't that bad, contusion (she was complaining of her pain though, crying, sobbing... .).

Ok, so now I don't talk to her, unless it's somehow important, I keep rigid silence. I'm angry, sad, desperate, lonely... .I'm exposing of anger inside, but outside I just lay in bed after work, cause I got no energy do do anything. Sometime I'm obligated to take a walk... but it exhausts me as much.

We are in particular situation, obligated to live in one apartment and I haven't even got my own private room ! Yes, we are waiting for the situation to get better, but it takes a long time and I am used to be patient.

Nevertheless, today she keeps on going. Now she's convinced that it's because I'm going to sports that I'm so violent against her, and I've met there some kind of sect... .I won't describe in detail the extent of her delirium (please tell me, are we still talking of a BPD here?)... I'm used to it, but it used to be against others... now it's all against me. She keeps bringing out my childhood issues, when I was bullied in school, that in fact now she understands those poor children that were bullied BY ME. No kidding ! She re-writes my history. I think I was her all-good child (no siblings), no I'm turning to the no-good one. It's horrible. I live an emotional hell now. At least I'm realizing it.

Thank you for reading my posts and for supporting me. It helps... .

[Harri]

Hi Fox C!  I am glad my posts helped calm you.  Thanks for posting again.  I've been wondering how things worked out.

You are in a very tough place and I wish I knew a way to fix it for you but I don't.  Given your situation, it sounds to me like the best thing you can do right now as you plan long term to get away from you mother (at least *room* wise) is to focus on boundaries and learn about BPD behaviors and some of the things that might be causing your mother to treat you the way she does.  Some people learn about these things in hopes of helping the person with BPD in their life but I think it is more important to learn so you can place their behavior in context and begin to separate you and your mother emotionally.  Knowing that her behavior and words are most often a reflection of what is going on inside of her can take a lot of the sting out.  Being able to stay a bit clamer will make it easier to use some of the communication tools that are taught on this site.

Read about projection in particular.  It sounds to me (no expert here) that she is projecting how she feels about herself, her fears, etc onto you.  Projection is a defense mechanism that can kick in when the person can't stand seeing their own self, their bad behavior, etc, and rather to to deal with it in healthy ways, they push those feelings onto someone else (in this situation, she claims you hit her).  Total reality distortion that she probably believes.  Projection kicks in as a defense (again, I am not an expert so please read up on this) at a subconscious level.  it is essentially automatic.  It is not like your mother consciously decided to deny her abuse and said "Well, I am going to just say FoxC did it. 

As events happen in real time, you can tell yourself over and over that she is projecting her stuff on you and she is not really even seeing you.  It will still hurt for sure, but keep working at it and if you can, imagine a clear bubble surrounding you so that her words bounce right off.  That technique worked well for me.  It might work for you or you might modify it and find something different that works better. 

I mentioned learning about projection because I think it may help you a lot right now given the situation.  there are other things you can read about as well like boundaries, splitting, drama triangle.  As you read here, you will see people talking about drama triangles a lot around here and it is good to read about and understand but I find it of little value without really understanding other things like projection, boundaries, SET, JADE (all of which you can learn about) first.

I have not provided you with links because one, I am having trouble doing that on my tablet and 2 I do not want to overwhelm you.    Learning about all this stuff while actually living in such close quarters can be more than a bit overwhelming if you try to do everything too fast.

I did just read a post/article that I think might help you a lot too:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280765.0  It has some excellent info on how *not* to talk to a pwBPD.

Be well.  I hope you keep posting as I think you can use the support and we can offer plenty of that.

Be well.

[wendydarling]

Hi there FoxC 

Wondering how you are coping and hope you check in when it fits you.

Take care.

WDx

[FoxC]

Well, we are still "on eggshells". At first I listened to the version that it was me who beat her. Then, she would tend to forget what really happened. Then, she would not understand well what happened. Then, she said she had no choice but to do this, because I mistreated her. Then, she told me that she only "pat me on the cheek" to calm me and to "educate me". Then she accused me that I was "just sitting there, waiting for her and provoking her to spank me". The latest: "how could you humiliate me like that, forcing me to spank you".

It goes on and it really hurts me. I'm repeating her in a firm and hurt and determinate tone (which displeases her a lot) that she has no right to do this and that it's her responsibility to control her actions. But she only gets madder by hearing this. Obviously, I'm not using the right tools to cope with her. To her eyes, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her, because she’s the same and there’s something happening with me. Well yeah, there is, I’m changing. It’s hard to change, I don’t know if it’ll make me happier though.