Will they be different in their next relationship?

[Elmurr]

My ex gf and her mum claim that I am the only guy that she'd ever had trouble with. So will she be different in her next relationship? Was it just me?

She displayed such obvious BPD traits in her relationship with me including suicide threats, fake pregnancies, and lying about cancer when I tried to leave, extreme emotional instability and acting out, including keying my car after an argument, baiting me and then playing the victim when I reacted, major victim mentality, cheating on me and telling me about it, self loathing, unstable sense of self, etc.

She was extremely into me at the start and for years, but I could tell at the start something was wrong so I kept her at arms length. This drove her to do anything to get with me, as she couldn't accept rejection at all. She was 22 when we met. Her past boyfriend had apparently left her because he said she was ugly. She also had a restraining order put on a girl at school who apparently forced her to be raped by a man in his 40s multiple times. Yet, I am the only one she had problems with... .doesn't make sense to me.

My theory is that the other guys fell at her feet, and subsequently she wasn't that into them. As soon as they showed her they were into her, she stopped caring. This avoided the prolonged insane emotional outbursts I received; she just didn't care enough. I held her back for a long time because she was so intense, I didn't want to be with her. This led to strong emotional reactions. I also had a lot of friends, my own place, and a good life in general. She didn't have these things and I believe she was jealous of me for it. So when I held her at arms length it brought out all the emotions, and she HAD to have me, she HAD to beat me. That's the only reason I can think that I'm the only guy she'd had problems with before.

For info I'd never had trouble in any of my previous relationships at all. I can be a bit difficult sometimes, but not particularly, and I certainly do not have a personality disorder, have never been raped, have never been arrested, have never had any trouble at all. I believe that people are inherently good, and I had never met anyone like this girl and assumed she was just emotional. A serious lesson has been learnt! They definitely aren't!

Since she left me abruptly, she has seen a guy but she ended it because he was "too sweet" and "who wants sweet?" (her words).

I just can't see how she will be with someone that treats her well. As soon as I fell for her I was tossed out. The game was over for her, and she won.

Anyone else been told they're the only one that their partners had problems with? And experience of if they do continue the same pattern in future relationships regardless.

[once removed]

She was extremely into me at the start and for years, but I could tell at the start something was wrong so I kept her at arms length. This drove her to do anything to get with me, as she couldn't accept rejection at all.

i think this example points to the notion that yes, she will be different in her next relationship. "different" could entail a lot of things. it entails different people that will interact and respond and react differently. it says little to nothing about relationship stability or health.

you describe a great deal of serious relationship dysfunction in her. if you are asking if that will simply evaporate in a short amount of time, it is highly unlikely.

you are also asking a question i struggled with myself: "whats my part in all of this?" is that something youre interested in exploring further?

[Elmurr]

Hi Once Removed

I am absolutely asking "what's my part in this?". I know that I could have treated her much better at the start, as I say, I didn't want to be with her because she was SO intense, and I could tell something was wrong. But she lived 5 minutes away and there really was no escape and so over time I started to let her in.

I believe that her obsession in me stemmed from me being such a challenge. I believe had I been loving and caring and fully let her in from the start she was have disappeared years ago. She even said to me at the end "the only reason I wanted you is because you were unobtainable". So I guess there it is.

So what happens if someone is loving from the start? Apparently they get labelled "too sweet" and get left. So HOW can it work?

When I started to become her lap dog the abuse only got worse. The cheating started, the insane behaviour just got worse. I struggle to imagine a relationship dynamic with her that would be healthy.

[Skip]

Elmurr,

At 120 days out and with all the trauma you experienced at the end, it is common to ask this question. The answer that will resonate is that she will carry her traits into future relationships and they will end the same way.

As this is an advanced board, the full answer is a bit more complicated. It is true in the sense that she has innate reactions and they will play out in other relationships. How it plays out, however, will be very dependent on the relationship dynamics. I know a women who married five times. Four disasters and then she hit on a relationship with a guy who worked out and they were together for 20 years and had a good relationship - they worked well together.

So, if you were one the 4 men who divorced her, should you feel inferior? That you didn't do enough?

If you acted badly, sure. But if you were earnest and it failed, it means you just didn't sync. There are lots of people in life that we don't sync with. We accept that.

The reason its harder here, is because we were over-valued, and then devalued in some way and lead to believe that that there was character fault in the relationship failure. Thats a big fall - hero to goat.

The faulting is a complex and dysfunctional defense mechanism - and while it protected her emotions and ego, it was at your expense - it cost you dearly.

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