New R/S Ruined - Too Soon

[JJacks0]

Nearly immediately after my 7 year r/s with my BPDex ended, I wound up dating someone new. There was no "official label" to define our r/s, but we had known each other for some time, and friendship quickly grew into more.

Due to the intense and turbulent nature of my r/s with my ex, I thoroughly appreciated the light distraction of someone new at first. But over time, the reality of what had happened began to hit me (that's when I found these boards). I was a total wreck for months - incredibly angry and depressed. While I did have feelings for the new woman I was seeing, I was crippled by the effects of my breakup & it affected my r/s with the new woman tremendously. I'll be the first to admit that I did not treat her right, or fairly, and was simply in no position to be dating so soon. I had so much anger and a very short temper, off the charts anxiety... .I was critical, untrusting, and flooded with feelings of guilt and sadness over my ex. She wanted to stay with me despite all of this, but things got so bad that I told her we needed to stop seeing each other. I just had too much to deal with and I needed to heal on my own before I could possibly be able to give her what she wanted or deserved. I hated myself after I'd go off on her & I needed to focus on my own recovery - plus, at the time I felt that I was still in love with my ex (although in reality, it was likely just memories that I felt in love with).

The time I spent on my own helped me immeasurably, and I'm happy to say that a year after the breakup, I'm finally feeling like myself once again. I'm in a *much* better state, and no longer desperately long for my ex. Over the past month or so, the new woman and I have been talking again. I thought that we might be able to reconnect - however, she is casually seeing someone else because she thought that I had no feelings for her anymore. She told me that it isn't exclusive and that she'd like to spend some time with me. She also said that she was in love with me and still has feelings for me, but is afraid to get hurt again. I can't blame her for that- at the time, I actually started to act like my ex in some ways, so I certainly understand what she's probably feeling to some degree.

Part of me feels so foolish for being hung up on my ex for so long that I let something good slip past me - someone who actually wanted to stay around me in my darkest times. But another part of me knows that it was too soon, and that I needed to address everything that had happened in my 7 year relationship in order to heal myself. Only then would I be capable of starting up anything healthy with someone new.

I guess I'm just looking for a little reassurance here or to see if anyone can relate. I've been kicking myself because I really did and still do have strong feelings for this woman, and that's something I don't feel often. I feel like I blew it, acting like a mess in the aftermath of my BPD r/s. I really wish I hadn't cut her out, but then again I feel like I just would have hurt her more if I hadn't taken that time to myself. I just know that I hurt her, and I regret the way things played out. I really wish I were meeting her for the first time now.

[gotbushels]

Hi JJacks0 

I relate a little. I do wish from time to time that I met a woman I dated, but met her later on.

My later partner did check a lot of my boxes. We got along. We both loved our independence. She had this fabulous maturity.

I felt I had done quite a lot of housekeeping in the wind-up of my relationship with the pwBPD, so I guess I was more ready for an intimate relationship.

I do appreciate when you said it's something you don't feel often--strong feelings for a partner. I did have those too. For me, that belief held me back a little. I found myself saying "oh I never feel this way" to justify things. As though it makes this relationship more scarce than others. This gave me permission to obsess, in a way--as though I was justifying my attraction using suffering from not getting something I wanted. As though if I suffered more, therefore I love her more, therefore we are supposed to be together more, therefore the forces of the universe will be more likely to pull us together (it seems to work this way with so many other elements in life, so why not here). Silly, but real.

You did mention that the time you spent on your own helped you immeasurably. I do feel the same way about my "time off" from the dating area. You did also say that you may have hurt her more if you didn't take that time to yourself. So you have a good, caring, perhaps even loving reason (for you and her) that you took that time off. It might not have been obvious at first but sometimes we love not for our own sakes. It doesn't show up here as hand-holding but from a prevention of suffering of another.

It does sound that you've cleaned your house for love because you're feeling like yourself again. I recognise and deeply appreciate this feeling. You're also probably right, that if you met her now, things may have been different. If you went down that path, yes we don't know how it would have turned out. What we do know is that you wouldn't have grown and helped yourself immeasurably, and you might have caused more pain to both of you if you went down that path anyway.

[Kelli Cornett]

I wouldn't blame the BPD 100% so quickly. Perhaps you should look at why you were attracted to her so much in the first place. Than when a emotionally available person comes along you have a hard time settling in.

I say this because it may be a theme in your life if you don't dig a little deeper.


Wholeness starts within the self. 

[JaxWest]

I don't blame you at all. Relationships can make people do things they wouldn't normally do. I am in a position right now that I have no desire to date... .I literally tell my friends that in all honesty, I think I am happy just avoiding the dating scene altogether and just enjoying my single life for the rest of my life. There are nice women that I have seen and met, but I won't date. I just don't have it in me any more to date. After one BPD and one possible BPD, I don't have any desire to start that process again.

It sucks that it affects future relationships, but I think it is understandable where you are coming from on this new female. Maybe just take it slow and let her into your life a little at a time. If she is worth it, she will understand why the caution.

[Grey Kitty]

You have to process the end of your prior r/s in your own way, learn the lessons from it in your own way.

I've stayed out of relationships since splitting with my ex, going on three years now. I've learned lessons from solitude. (Had a couple brief stints of flirting or dating, but none of it went anywhere, and I wasn't very dedicated.) You jumped into something and learned lessons there. More extreme in that direction, I have a good friend who chose a ~decade of celibacy before finding a new girlfriend he's really happy with a few years back.

I'm not convinced that either way is "better".

As for your regrets about the new r/s that didn't (and probably won't) work out... .consider it a learning process instead.

First, you did the best you could at the time (even though you know you behaved badly), and your intentions were to do the best you could.

Second, I bet you didn't hide your history or lie about BPDex. If anything, you probably overshared or shared earlier than would be quite appropriate... .in other words, she knew what she was getting into, and chose to try a r/s with you despite you being recently out of a toxic r/s. She chose that risk, and starting a new r/s is always a risk.

If you feel ready to date now, take your lessons learned into it--you will do better!