Tried to get closure but painted black now

[JaxDK]

I tried getting closure from the ex today when picking up my son. When I broke up with her after our latest fight, I had so much pent up aggression I had bottled up. I told her I didn't love her anymore and I was tired of the life with her and her 3 kids and their diagnosis's. She has 3 kids from previous marriage and one with me. One has infantile autism and adhd and the smallest has some autism as well. I was just so fed up with rescuing and taking care of everybody at the sacrifice of myself. I had an oncoming depression on top of it because I existed for others and my purpose was for them. I've always sensed that if i didn't, the relationship would be in trouble. She would withdraw and be moody

I told her I was sorry it ended the way it did. She told me I left some serious scars. Actually she lumped me in with her abusive ex husband she was married to for 18 years in that sentence. I was never abusive towards her. I have spent the last two and a half years picking her up, fixing her broken wings, giving her her self confidence back, taking her kids in as my own and doing a helluva lot more than her ex husband ever did for them. Went to every parent meeting and psych evaluations. I gave her free reign something her ex never did. he was very controlling and manipulative.

What shocked me was how she viewed our relationship very differently. She blamed me for sleeping separate and the fights we had. She started sleeping on the couch because her back hurt from sleeping in the bed plus i snored. Yet she claims it was my choice to sleep apart. She said she told me it would be the death of our relationship to sleep separately. I remember her saying it but not doing anything about it. Always making excuses so I gave up trying. She also claimed I started too many fights. No I was given a hand granade every time and then blamed for it going off. I also slept too much apparently. Yet I had to take one of her adhd pills once in awhile, just to keep up. I was living on coffee

At least now I know where I stand. I'm the awful ex right along side her ex husband

Yet I would probably go back if given the chance. What the hell is wrong with me.

[formflier]

     

Big picture:  pwBPD don't do "closure" well.  Best to decide what you want/need... and move on.

"looking behind the curtain" (think wizard of oz) to understand their thinking... .will get you more of what you got... .it doesn't make sense.

FF

[JaxDK]

At least I got to apologize, whether it was received and processed as intended or not, is out of my hands. I deflected an attempt to argue by just apologizing as well. I was pained black a month after the breakup, when she found her replacement it seems. Up until that point she tried to engage a lot with sending pictures of my son and doing face-time to see him. Plus sending me some meme pictures. Even went as far as inviting me over to bathe with him in her bathtub (he's only 8 months old)

I feel better. It helps she compared me to him. It gave me another peak at what I left. Somebody unable to appreciate all I did, then and now. I also feel relief I could say sorry for my very harsh exit.

I'll continue very low contact and detaching and go on with my life as a co-parent, this helped. I don't have to fear recycling either. I have left her too many times and come back. All she sees now is somebody who leaves.

[Pretty Woman]

Words wound but you know who you are and what you did for her and the kids.

The most crippling thing for me was the words until I rationalized out that's all they are. Words.

Persons with BPD say a lot of stuff but if you look closely the reality is in their actions. It's not normal for someone to say they love you more than anyone and then an hour later file a restraining order on you.

For me, I didn't date much. I'm 42 and have had like two serious relationships so my relationship immaturity coupled with abandonment issues made me stay until the final discard.

I'm out of my union almost three years now. We didn't have children but it gets better with time. You will see periods of "normality" with your ex but don't forget all that happened. You made the right decision for you and that's what is most important. You will never be able to fix her but you can personally grow and be a great parent to your child. Try to let the words go as they mean nothing. They will only wound if you let them.

You have the control. All of it!
 

[JaxDK]

Thanks for the support, it helps 

[Pencil sketch]

Such a great post. Words versus actions Is key here.
They know, what to say, to trigger us, turn our lives and minds, upside down, keep us guessing, and in turn, they know how we react, you could almost write the script.
There actions however, tell a very different story, and in my case, gets to the heart of the problem, it's almost a red herring, but may be in a way, a cry for help from them, to show there is something, and don't leave us.
I maybe completely wrong, but when ones actions completely contradict their words, you do wonder.