Did you announce you're going LC or NC? How did it go?

[Pilpel]

I'm considering establishing terms for either LC or a period of NC with my NPD SIL.  One of my main problems is I feel like she's seen my value only in terms of my usefulness to her, and that she takes that usefulness for granted.  She has a history of painting me black.  So next time I meet with her, I want to see if she still does.  I know I definitely want to set a boundary by withdrawing those interactions we've had where I have been useful to her.  And I want to cut out Christmases, which have only been stressful in the way she micromanages the gift exchanges.  I'm on the fence about going NC.  I want to wait until we formally talk, and gage her reaction and see if she shows any signs of genuinely caring about me.

But I think I'm most anxious about what NC or LC would look like, since we have a relatively small family.  My own parents are not very sentimental about the holidays, so I know they wouldn't mind if we were not part of the holidays with SIL.  And we can do holidays with husband's family. I want to still maintain a relationship with her kids. Which makes the idea of NC complicated.  I have some anxiety as I weight two conflicting internal values:  1) I don't see the point of pretending friendship, if she's holding on to beliefs that I'm a bad person and only seeing my value in my usefulness to her  2) I don't like the idea of making anyone feel excluded. 

I wanted to know how things have worked out for people who have set boundaries and cut or reduced contact in one way or another? 

[Highlander]

Hi Pilpel,

In the process of going NC of uBPD MIL right but will only discuss LC with uBPD SIL here as MIL is a very complicated story.

Yes went LC with uBPD SIL about 6 years ago.  We recognised that her BPD behaviours appeared more commonly when she was under the influence of alcohol. 

We never visited her at her house as we had no control over alcohol intake in her home but invited her and her children into our home, for a limit of 2 nights stay and made sure that she knew that our home was a 'dry space'.  We used my DH's previous diagnosis of BPD (now recovered) as our excuse to limited stays and no alcohol in our home in a letter to all of his family.

She came to see us a number of times with her children and things were amicable.  We were glad we set these boundaries as my uBPD SIL passed last year and my DH's last memories with her are now happy ones, albeit, there was still underlining uncomfortable feelings going around because she couldn't understand why she couldn't drink alcohol around us, but there was no tension.

Sometimes I just wanted to scream out the truth, but always knew that was likely going to get us no-where.

Does your sister's traits increase under certain circumstances whereby you may be able to set yourself boundaries to reduce your own exposure to them?

[Notwendy]

For me, NC or LC is more of a state of being. I don't think it is something that needs to be announced so much as can just be done. I have not been comfortable with the idea of NC, but did choose LC with my mother. However, since I have been able to hold my boundaries with her better- I have found she doesn't like the changes in the relationship. She doesn't like boundaries. So she is contacting me less, since the dynamics aren't her style.

I didn't announce it. I just decided not to be so emotionally involved in the dynamics and be more authentic- not go along with things out of fear of her anger. And she has been angry at me. But I have to accept that is her choice too.

Lately though I have also not wanted to have a lot of contact with her. I sometimes think families with dysfunction use this as some kind of bond between members. Now that I don't want to take part in dysfunction, there seems to be less attachment as well.

She is elderly and I do wish her well. I don't want harm to come to her. I am concerned about her.

I started LC by limiting what I share with her about myself. Telling her personal things didn't go well. So I just started by being chatty about news, events, movies, non personal things. No major announcement.

I recently did try to share something with her about my feelings around the time of my father's death. It was as if my feelings were invisible. Her response to me was quite cold.   "LC " for me was accepting this is who she is,  without expectations, or taking her response personally.

[madeline7]

Since my father's passing almost 2 years ago, I have vacillated between LC and NC with my uBPDm. I do have anxiety around both. The LC for me is "full contact" for my Mom. She expects her children to call her everyday, and help with all errands AND be an emotional sounding board everyday. She has always expected this, but it has markedly increased since she became a widow. The difference now is that since my father (who I adored) who enabled her is gone, I feel somewhat liberated to be more authentic, and attempt wholeheartedly to set healthier boundaries for myself. Sometimes it works (NC) and sometimes it doesn't work as well (LC). I am exhausted, for me there are pros and cons to both the LC and NC state. The challenge with NC in my small but local family is what to do with the holidays and get togethers. Not sure if this was helpful, but I guess the point is that each situation is different, and yet similar in that it seems to always be challenging when dealing with a family member with BPD.

[Pilpel]

Not Wendy, I wish I could go NC or LC without announcing it.  But we have a small family and I live right next to my parents.  She's the sort of person who would say, "Can you watch my four kids next weekend?"  And if I say, no, she'll ask what weekend I can watch them.  And at least once a month they call my parents to visit, and even if we make ourselves busy, they will stay later so that they can visit with us when we get back home. Or else, despite the fact that they never called us to say they're visiting my parents, she will assume that we're all going to have dinner together and then get upset if I say no.  The small size of our family has made medium chill a bit hard.  When she feels up to it, she acts like we're best buddies and assumes that I have all the same interests as hers.

Highlander, it sounds like you had a good situation with setting boundaries with your SIL.  With my SIL, it would be easier for us to go LC or set boundaries if we didn't live next to my parents.  It's pretty impossible to set boundaries with her without clearly spelling them out.  

Madeline7, you sound like you're in a similar situation.  I hate the idea of going NC, but I don't know how LC would look during the holidays, either, or when she visits my parents who live next door to us.  Or how that would work with trying to maintain a connection with their kids. 

[Pina colada]

Pilpel maybe with your family NC without announcing would be hard.  What about "Grey Rock"?  If you are asked to babysit, etc. just say you have a prior commitment or work, etc.  They will get the hint eventually without announcing anything.  I never announced my intentions.  When I have had to go NC or LC I just do.  It is for my well being as my sister is so very toxic and doesn't play fair and has no boundaries I need it out of self preservation.  Good luck and keep us posted.

[Notwendy]

I agree that it is harder if they live nearby.

Yet saying "no" isn't easy for those of us who have learned to fear the consequences of making the borderline unhappy. And the consequences are real. My mother paints me black to her FOO and she did to my father. Having boundaries with her could set off family drama. It just seemed easier to go along with it to keep the peace.

But many of us start to take steps to change that because we don't like to do that.

Learning to say no isn't easy- and IMHO, I think it is something we have to learn to do. Our circumstances have taught us to let the pwBPD have their way as when they don't, they can be disruptive. In learning to do this, we have to accept that we can't control their behavior.

It is hard to be NC when there is close contact with other family members. They can also be enmeshed in the situation. My mother's phone calls were disruptive to me in college and at the advice of a counselor I tried NC. However, if i wanted to see my father, my mother was part of that deal. I didn't want to not have contact with him so I had to accept that.

I can relate to Madeline's experience. I was attached to my father. After he passed away, I was very sad. Yet, I also experienced a strange sense of freedom to actually make a choice about how much contact I wanted to have with my mother.

Sometimes people start with LC if full NC isn't a workable possibility in the moment. However, sometimes NC is the best choice to make. I just don't know how to do this entirely if still in contact with people close to them.

[Pilpel]

I agree that it is harder if they live nearby.

Yet saying "no" isn't easy for those of us who have learned to fear the consequences of making the borderline unhappy. And the consequences are real. My mother paints me black to her FOO and she did to my father. Having boundaries with her could set off family drama. It just seemed easier to go along with it to keep the peace.

But many of us start to take steps to change that because we don't like to do that.

Learning to say no isn't easy- and IMHO, I think it is something we have to learn to do. Our circumstances have taught us to let the pwBPD have their way as when they don't, they can be disruptive. In learning to do this, we have to accept that we can't control their behavior.

It is hard to be NC when there is close contact with other family members. They can also be enmeshed in the situation. My mother's phone calls were disruptive to me in college and at the advice of a counselor I tried NC. However, if i wanted to see my father, my mother was part of that deal. I didn't want to not have contact with him so I had to accept that.

I can relate to Madeline's experience. I was attached to my father. After he passed away, I was very sad. Yet, I also experienced a strange sense of freedom to actually make a choice about how much contact I wanted to have with my mother.

Sometimes people start with LC if full NC isn't a workable possibility in the moment. However, sometimes NC is the best choice to make. I just don't know how to do this entirely if still in contact with people close to them.

I appreciate your words Not Wendy.  I'm at that point, where I have to say no.  While my BPD SIL can be nice, I do feel like overall our relationship has been defined by my usefulness to her. 

I've set up a time to meet with my brother and SIL next week, and I have a lot of mixed feelings that are now causing me anxiety.  This all started when she blew up at me over a mistake I made while I was doing her a favor, and then she wanted me to pay for it.  She's blowing things up way out of proportion.  No one in my family would ever respond that way in the same situation. I don't know of anyone who would.  While she toned down her initial emotional rage, she was still condescending. But it's really not okay to be treated like that.  And the emotions that she pours into this thing are so out of proportion.  My first stage of setting boundaries is to acknowledge that we have different values, that I have not reacted with blame like she has when she's disappointed me.  I can't tell her how to respond to disappointments.  But I can chose not to put myself in the line of disappointing her again.  I may not go LC or NC.  But already when I told her, in an awkward conversation, that we needed to talk in person, she became hostile --and then turned around and accused me of being hostile.  I know that's just how she is.  As much as I need to confront her, I'm all in knots right now.  On one hand she can be nice, and I can see that she's made efforts over the years to curb her hostility.  But even though things have improved, things always get weird an uncomfortable with her.