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Author Topic: Bunch of newish parenting issues  (Read 448 times)
MarkTwain

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: August 08, 2017, 03:40:36 PM »

Ok, let's try to make this cohesive and sensible... .

UBPDxw - gets unsupervised visits but restricted to a public place.

Have issues with her leaving that public place. Unfortunately multiple exits and she's BPD and unwilling to believe she should be limited in such a way as the judge has directed. She got herself arrested - now is much more careful.

96% sure she's still leaving. We've been talking about a GPS tracking watch - but most of the ones for this purpose are 200$+ the cheap Chinese options are 50$ but all have a cell signal displayed on the watch face or an obvious call / phone / sim card button/cover etc.

Lawyer says it's ok to do it, especially given history and now coaching s5 on you can't tell Dad what happens on visits or mommy will go to jail... .Spoke to police, they have same interpretation as long as I don't use that listen in functionality some of the watches have. "Put the digital fence on the location, if it alarms - forward the tracking email to us."

Coaching has gotten really bad lately - since we stopped allowing location changes due to some massive unhealthy fights between her and her family on visits. Allowing them to relocate away from the location to fight in private seemed a poor choice. S5 won't tell me a darn thing, but he slips, and yeah you showed up empty handed and suddenly he's wearing a new outfit that isn't sold at that location.

The next question - yesterday's visit involved a professional. "Friend of mommy's" who spoke to him the whole visit about mommy vs my new partner vs daddy and roles and rules. I saw her and realized something was up at drop off. Professional attire + briefcase. But I can't think of who she might work for - lawyer wouldn't get into that, psychologist would be out of their mind working without consent from both parents. So women's shelter social worker maybe? I'm confused - we have court coming up but, it all makes little sense since a proper psychologists report is coming in the next month's... .

I really hate this guessing game. I need a drink! Lol

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takingandsending
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2017, 11:18:17 AM »

MarkTwain,

The whole concept of visits must be in public but need not be supervised makes no sense to me. If BPDm is not trusted to have a private visit with S5, exactly what control or supervision is the "public" expected to exert? And why would this not be better accomplished with supervised visits? Who ordered this? Seems to place all the responsibility on S5, which can't be right. Speaking of which, be careful about falling into the role of asking/questioning S5 over what he does with mom. That puts him in a very unfair situation and takes away his safety with you as a source of validation and acceptance.

Did you ask the professional woman who she was? I would consider introducing myself and asking who she is if you see her with your xw again.
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MarkTwain

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« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2017, 01:06:54 PM »

MarkTwain,

The whole concept of visits must be in public but need not be supervised makes no sense to me. If BPDm is not trusted to have a private visit with S5, exactly what control or supervision is the "public" expected to exert? And why would this not be better accomplished with supervised visits? Who ordered this? Seems to place all the responsibility on S5, which can't be right. Speaking of which, be careful about falling into the role of asking/questioning S5 over what he does with mom. That puts him in a very unfair situation and takes away his safety with you as a source of validation and acceptance.

Did you ask the professional woman who she was? I would consider introducing myself and asking who she is if you see her with your xw again.

Yeah I dislike it as well - theory says that in public son is protected by "the public" and physical and emotional abuse would be called in to police... .Yes I've been pushing for supervised - but judge hasn't agreed thus far.

I'll try to layoff the questioning... .But it's hard - never know when he's been fed, etc most days he's come home and 6hr visits have included snacks but no meals... .

Oh there will be discussions if I see her again. But yes the court order attempts to keep us separate to avoid conflict in front of s5 - and that will create that. So... .Don't know where to go with that - end up second guessing myself all the way along because I have to justify every action and she gets a free walk
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takingandsending
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« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2017, 02:50:14 PM »

Asking your son if he's eaten or is hungry is fine. I was thinking more along the lines of asking "Where have you been? Did you go anywhere with mom? What did you do with mom?" might put your S5 in an awkward spot where whatever he says disappoints one of his parents - the one wanting information or the one asking him to hide information.

Still, if you have safety concerns for him, I can see why you might try to encourage him to share. What has your L said about this?
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MarkTwain

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Posts: 35


« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2017, 03:20:09 PM »

I ask, we've got a long drive, but it's usually to pass time - it's kinda our time to connect on drives to / from. But he had little to say to me about visits but he will spill the beans to my new partner the instant he gets home. (She's kept fully at arm's length - she and xw will never meet, never be in the same area - never be in direct contact, so she's always s5's safe person - at direction of a psychologist)

Lawyers being a problem of late, sitting down with a new one Monday as I don't feel I'm being adequately represented. Mine is good but seems to be overworked or - not available and not engaged too much lately.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2017, 04:11:13 PM »

MarkTwain,

This must be breaking your heart  to have the courts hedge things like that. Meanwhile s5 doesn't get the protection you want for him.

Excerpt
coaching s5 on you can't tell Dad what happens on visits or mommy will go to jail.

Have you read any of Warshak's Divorce Poison? When my son said distorted coaching stuff that came direct via his dad, I learned to ask son, "How does that make you feel?" Warshak has other good strategies and tips to help. Sometimes, the right phrase or word makes all the difference.

Everything my son reported to me, I focused on his feelings.

It got easier over time. A lot of the time I had to swallow some pretty big "what the heck"s and keep things focused on how he felt.

You can follow the "wow, I can only imagine how that would make me feel. How did you feel when mom said that?" with other questions, following his lead.

"I wonder why mom leaves that area if she knows she'll get arrested."
"Is that something you can talk to Dr. ______ about?"

It took me 3 years or so to earn trust this way. Maybe it would help in your situation?

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Breathe.
MarkTwain

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« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2017, 06:18:47 PM »

I'll have to look for that book. I'll have to try the feelings focus - we're supposed to be getting him assessed for Asperger's in the near future as he's showing a lot of my OCD tendencies and need for order - even more when the chaos happens. Not sure that affects the feelings focus... .

Court and police drive me nuts, stuck explaining at every step why I have the child. "Its not normal" ... .Yeah but it's still his best scenario these days.

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livednlearned
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« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2017, 02:11:32 PM »

I'll have to try the feelings focus - we're supposed to be getting him assessed for Asperger's in the near future as he's showing a lot of my OCD tendencies and need for order - even more when the chaos happens. Not sure that affects the feelings focus...

OCD tendencies run in our family, too. It's hard.  

The book's main focus is to offset parental alienation (ie. emotional abuse) -- coaching, like you describe, is one part of what it addresses.

Our kids receive twisted and distorted versions of reality, in part because the BPD parent sees the world in such negative, self-referential ways, but in a way that blame-shifts accountability to someone else.

Communicating with a child who communicates with a BPD parent requires specific skills that are not intuitive, and involve practice, trial + error.

Focusing on feelings is more about getting kids to reflect on what they already suspect is true -- they usually know already, and need a caring adult to reinforce what they know. (i.e., mom will get in trouble if she breaks the rules, she's supposed to be the grown-up).

I hope the book helps  Smiling (click to insert in post) 
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