Fear of the known

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all. My history: married 18 years, filed for divorce from uBPDxw, have S11 and S6 together. I have been posting mostly in Family Law and CoParenting boards, but lately, I have been reading posting on this board as a result of some feelings that have been stirring and moving inside of me recently.

Briefly, I kind of fell hard for a younger coworker these past weeks and have been wrestling with feeling ridiculous, exposed and experiencing a whole lot of fear about what I am feeling and how I have got here. So many times with my xw, I thought to myself that I wasn't certain I'd ever want to enter another relationship after all of the pain I have endured in our marriage. I haven't had many girlfriends in my life, and the two significant relationships were partners with a PD. Soo, what I am starting to recognize about me is that I have a serious fear of rejection and real uncertainty about how to have an intimate relationship with the opposite sex.

The fear of rejection has led me to avoid reaching out to women I am attracted to and basically resulted in waiting for someone to be attracted to and pursue me before I feel it's safe enough to respond. I feel totally crippled by this fear. I have a lot of judgments and shame that arise around this. I have a tough time not feeding the belief that I am not good enough, not attractive enough, have nothing to offer. And I don't know how I ended up like this. I have a lot of outward confidence, am thought well of by my peers and colleagues, and I try to treat people decently. But any belief in myself evaporates when I am around someone I like. As much as I'd like to blame my uBPDxw for all of this, I know that I was this way before I ever met her. And I am certain it is why I ended up with her. As I remarked earlier on another thread, I recognize that my pay off in this relationship was that I was always perceived as the stable, emotionally centered person, and I was needed. I fear that if I were ever in a relationship with a healthier person, they would realize all of my shortcomings and reject me.

This is the known in me, and I am at a point now that I see how this is not working for me, and I am opening up to a feeling of genuinely wanting and wondering if I can be in a healthy, intimate relationship and what that would feel like.

Would appreciate this boards' support, encouragement and advice as I try to move from the known into the unknown of what is possible beyond fear.

Thanks. 

[takingandsending]

Hi all. My history: married 18 years, filed for divorce from uBPDxw, have S11 and S6 together. I have been posting mostly in Family Law and CoParenting boards, but lately, I have been reading posting on this board as a result of some feelings that have been stirring and moving inside of me recently.

Briefly, I kind of fell hard for a younger coworker these past weeks and have been wrestling with feeling ridiculous, exposed and experiencing a whole lot of fear about what I am feeling and how I have got here. So many times with my xw, I thought to myself that I wasn't certain I'd ever want to enter another relationship after all of the pain I have endured in our marriage. I haven't had many girlfriends in my life, and the two significant relationships were partners with a PD. Soo, what I am starting to recognize about me is that I have a serious fear of rejection and real uncertainty about how to have an intimate relationship with the opposite sex.

The fear of rejection has led me to avoid reaching out to women I am attracted to and basically resulted in waiting for someone to be attracted to and pursue me before I feel it's safe enough to respond. I feel totally crippled by this fear. I have a lot of judgments and shame that arise around this. I have a tough time not feeding the belief that I am not good enough, not attractive enough, have nothing to offer. And I don't know how I ended up like this. I have a lot of outward confidence, am thought well of by my peers and colleagues, and I try to treat people decently. But any belief in myself evaporates when I am around someone I like. As much as I'd like to blame my uBPDxw for all of this, I know that I was this way before I ever met her. And I am certain it is why I ended up with her. As I remarked earlier on another thread, I recognize that my pay off in this relationship was that I was always perceived as the stable, emotionally centered person, and I was needed. I fear that if I were ever in a relationship with a healthier person, they would realize all of my shortcomings and reject me.

This is the known in me, and I am at a point now that I see how this is not working for me, and I am opening up to a feeling of genuinely wanting and wondering if I can be in a healthy, intimate relationship and what that would feel like.

Would appreciate this boards' support, encouragement and advice as I try to move from the known into the unknown of what is possible beyond fear.

Thanks. 

[Learning_curve74]

Hi takingandsending, I read your post and find that you're being very insightful about this issue. And I want to add that I don't think you're alone in feeling this way. I know that I grew up feeling anxiety about rejection, but over the years I've changed. I have a good friend that is not that much younger than me (we're both in our forties), and he's terribly paralyzed by fear when it comes to somebody he's attracted to. Like to the point when I once was trying to figure out which woman he was infatuated with at a social event, that he grabbed my arm and ran when he thought she saw me trying to point out "is that her?" 

And it's natural to be afraid to think you'll be in a different role with a healthier partner. Change is scary, and sometimes it's so scary that it blinds us so we don't realize that not changing is the worse outcome.

Have you gone on a date with this younger coworker? Or are you just trying to figure out how or whether you want to?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey T&S, I echo learning curve: your feelings are normal and you are not alone.  Like you, I used to wait for someone to be attracted to me before pursuing a r/s, which I now think is a backwards approach, yet that's how I ended up like you, married for 16 years to a pwBPD.  I didn't know myself well enough back then.  Now that I've been through the BPD wringer, however, I know what I'm looking for and have found it much easier to form healthy relationships.  My suggestion: start with yourself: your needs and what works for you.  Strive for authenticity.  Pay attention to your gut feelings.  Keep good boundaries.  Be yourself!  You get the idea.

Fill us in on where things stand with your co-worker friend, when you can.

It's normal to fear the unknown, yet I've discovered that's also where greater happiness can be found.

LuckyJim

[takingandsending]

Thanks learning curve and Lucky Jim. You are both right - fear of rejection is pretty normal. I have been stuck in that fear for a long while. Yes I want to go on a date with my coworker, but the how to and to some degree feeling of the wanting to brought about the panic. That said, she has a nice arrangement of flowers sitting on her desk, leading me to believe she is already dating.

I had a good session with my T yesterday that helped me to stay a little more with my reasoning brain v emotional brain to allay some of the criticisms, doubts and low self worth that I engage in. I am still learning how to trust in what I feel and who I am. I learned that I associate being myself, having fears, being basically a normal human being as being weak. So again using reasoning, I can see this is not true. I know that I am a good person. I have to trust that I have something to offer in a relationship.

Appreciate the support. I am still untangling my feelings about myself and trying to heal so many years of negative reinforcement in my marriage