Violence in the relationship

[Nikitty17]

My wife was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager. Her and I have been together for a little over 8 years now. Up until last October we didn't seek treatment for her condition because she said she had it under control. In October, she had a psychological break and physically attacked me. She went in patient and also went through several out patient programs. Things were great for a while. She didn't continue individual therapy and we never went to couples therapy. A couple of months ago things started to get stressed again and the relapse symptoms started showing. We moved to another state and she signed up for group. Two days before her first session she had another break and attacked me and tried to kill herself after threatening to leave. She's in jail because of state laws. I also cannot contact her. I don't want to just end everything because we have a child together. I also still love her and know that she has more going on than what outsiders see. I don't want to end up in a cycle of abuse either. So, I feel stuck with so many emotions. I want to hug her and say it's ok. I want to take control of me. I just want us to be healthy together but I don't know how to get there. I don't really know what I'm looking for from you guys other than a place to vent where maybe someone understands more of what I see every day. So thanks for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ozmatoz]

Nikitty17 welcome to the boards.  There are a lot of folks on here that will give you some amazing advice and some that can just be here as friends.  Come back often, and ask, ask, ask.

I am currently in a violence situation as well.  Been together with my u/BPDw for 17 years (married 11) and have D16, and D10.  She had been making a lot of threats over the last few months of finding ways to have me arrested or lose my job, pretty much anything to get me out of the house.  She would like me to leave and let her stay and I pay all of her bills.  And yes she's told me she could care less if I have to live in a cardboard box and take a second job to keep her lifestyle... .  This past weekend she was again threatening me that she would bruise and cut herself and call the police on me to have me hauled away.  This time I finally got it filmed on my phone.  When she realized it she began to wrestle me and hit me to try and get the phone back.  My D16 was scared and called the police.  Long story short, they arrested her and now we are in a tough situation.  (of course she still tells me this is all my fault and I threw her under the bus, and how could "I" do this to "her"... .
She spent the night in jail but came home in the morning.

You will be stuck with emotions that change almost by the minute.  Thats ok, take a pause and just let them hang there.  Try and take deep breaths when you can there is only so much in this situation that you can control once the authorities are involved.

Remember your child's and your safety come first.  Maybe this situation will help her get the help she so desperately needs.

Hopefully someone else will come along and give some better advice, I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Be well,
-Oz

[Meili]

I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post.

Is she still in jail? For how long? How long do you have maintain no contact (NC) with her?

I would suggest that during this time that you cannot communicate with her that you learn all that you can about BPD. The knowledge will help you greatly in deciding how you want to manage things in the future.

It helps if you read the posts of others here. Not only is there a lot of wisdom in the posts, but there's a lot of support and you'll quickly find that you are not alone. Also, as ozmatoz

Come back often, and ask, ask, ask.

Writing about what is going on and sharing with others is therapeutic.

I look forward to reading your posts in the future. Take care of yourself and you kid.

[Nikitty17]

I have to say, this site has already been so helpful in learning that I'm not alone. That there are others just like me and that my wife is not this person who is not like anyone else. It feels better to have a community of people who understand.

To answer your questions, at least to the best of my abilities, is she's still in jail. We live in Washington and the state chooses whether to press charges or not. They are also the ones who put the NC in place. I've read the paperwork 1000 times and it's all about her not contacting me so I want to clarify if I can write her at least. I also want to see if our daughter can send her things because she's asked to but I don't know if she can. Basically it's a sit and wait game until we know more.

Until then, I have been reading so much on here and been preparing posts to post when I get off work and have a chance to put them up. I also plan to try and get into therapy myself as I know I have my own issues to work out. It's a long road ahead but I want to soak up as much information as possible before jumping to a decision.

I'm so glad I found all of you. Thank you for making me feel less alone.