Maybe Its Already Over

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am very new to this world and not sure if I even belong.  I believe my husband has BPD and has no idea he does. The last 15 years of our marriage has been me feeling like I have to walk carefully to avoid the buried bombs.  He dealt with his mood swings by blaming me, drinking, and avoiding. Almost 2 years ago now he had an affair.  He fooled me for 8 more months before I found out he was seeing her again.  I took him back again and then after the holidays said he needed to move out.  He has been gone for 7 months.  The cycles of him crashing and needing not to be lonely to him needing to be completely on his own are wearing me down to nothing.  I am patient, forgiving, and I'm trying like heck to understand any of this. A few years ago we while having our oldest son diagnosed, we realized that he also has ADHD.  He has suffered from depression as long as I have known him but now it is so bad, I don't recognize him at all. I have encouraged him to start seeing a professional theorist. He has only gone twice so far. Oh boy, this is so slow! I feel I have been waiting around for so many years, changing and growing myself and he is just opening the door.  I have an appointment with a lawyer in a few weeks to file for divorce.  Even though he is not leading me on and being completely honest about not feeling anything for me, I still don't want to do this.  I want him to wake up and see how wonderful he can be and how much he is loved! ... .But maybe it's already over.

[Wewildered]

I am very new to this world and not sure if I even belong.  I believe my husband has BPD and has no idea he does. The last 15 years of our marriage has been me feeling like I have to walk carefully to avoid the buried bombs.  He dealt with his mood swings by blaming me, drinking, and avoiding. Almost 2 years ago now he had an affair.  He fooled me for 8 more months before I found out he was seeing her again.  I took him back again and then after the holidays said he needed to move out.  He has been gone for 7 months.  The cycles of him crashing and needing not to be lonely to him needing to be completely on his own are wearing me down to nothing.  I am patient, forgiving, and I'm trying like heck to understand any of this. A few years ago we while having our oldest son diagnosed, we realized that he also has ADHD.  He has suffered from depression as long as I have known him but now it is so bad, I don't recognize him at all. I have encouraged him to start seeing a professional theorist. He has only gone twice so far. Oh boy, this is so slow! I feel I have been waiting around for so many years, changing and growing myself and he is just opening the door.  I have an appointment with a lawyer in a few weeks to file for divorce.  Even though he is not leading me on and being completely honest about not feeling anything for me, I still don't want to do this.  I want him to wake up and see how wonderful he can be and how much he is loved! ... .But maybe it's already over.

[smart_storm26]

Hello Wew,

Welcome to the community!

I understand you must be going through some tough times with all this.

I read your post thoroughly and wanted to point out certain things.

I feel there are 2 issues here.

First your husband may have BPD which is always a challenge for any relationship

Secondly what really struck me is you may not have considered the reality of your relationship until you applied for divorce. I will explain


"I want him to wake up and see how wonderful he can be and how much he is loved"

I can see that you love him inspite of his flaws but I think you should wake up and ask yourself ':)oes this man love me?'
BPs create lot of issues in a relationship but make no mistake, BPs are capable of love.
You have to ask yourself 'Is this man really interested in me on a romantic level and does he really love me? Or I am living in my own fantasy world where one day he will wake up and be in absolute love with me?'

My suggestion is to always do a reality check. It will never mislead you.

And if you think this person isn't romantically interested in you, its better to let him go. You cannot make someone love you and see you as the wonderful person you are. That person has to see it himself. Will your finances and other things be affected if you go for the divorce?