Dad that starts to get tired.

[Swepal]

Dad that starts to get tired.

Where do you start? I have two children along with a girl I suspect shows signs of BPD. I have a 7-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, she lives with us every other week. Two young children with the current girl, they are 1 and 2 years old. A beautiful boy and a girl. I understand that it's a tough time with two toddlers, but this is so exhaustive.

We have been together for 3-4 years and had 6 months to a year that were very passionate, she was wonderful and I felt I met my best friend. Then we started with a bit fighting, which in general always lead us to the end the relationship. Guess we broke up around 100 times or so. I also have difficult to master my own temper, because the reactions were often so extreme. Fights because I’m late for 30 minutes that led to a breakup kind of.

I’m a person who easily says sorry when I made a mistake and wants an apology when someone else made it. But excuses from her side have been extremely sparse so to say. She basically can’t admit wrongdoings.  If we did not had children together, I don’t believe we'd been together anymore.

I have worked very hard with myself to try to correct my shortcomings. But we end up fighting very often and very bad, we end up in situations where we try to hurt each other or end up in defensive positions, you said so, but what about you and so on ... .This is when I’m not able to keep my cool with I’m been struggling with. That how she fights the whole time, a fight about something small ends up with her pulling up story’s or something complexly different. A lot of stuff she says is just not true she bends the truth, like you said that, what would be something I never said. You never do that or this, and it’s not really any point for me to point out any more like (well that’s not true, Yesterday I did that or that’s not what I said) I have improved a lot the last year and are better on keeping my cool but sometime I let it go to my head.  

We end up in situations where we try to hurt each other I feel like this relationship. I am very tired of not knowing if we are together in a week or a year. I would describe myself as a sensitive guy with a temper, so I'm not an angel but gets hurt by her way and especially when I do not get excuses after fighting. Should there be an excuse, because I really demand one! Still it becomes something defensive, okay sorry but you say so and so or, but you did it a year ago! Have learned to accept it anyway and appreciate that she said sorry period and don’t push for anything more than the word, I can see a small improvement on this from her side but I do mean small. Knowing that she has difficulty recognizing her own shortcomings but it's so frustrating. I myself am very self-critical and can see quickly when I made a mistake, usually takes a very short time to calm down. She may be angry for days and it will be like some kind of battle, she will not give up or say sorry first. Or when she "breaks up" then I usually get to initiate dialogue. At bay, we usually go separate ways and it is usually a text messaging, and a lot of convincing and gentle strokes. When I was calm and really wanted to end the relationship around Eastertime this year. She took the kids and left for our summer apartment in Spain and told me I won’t see the kids anymore, threatened me with lawyer and so on. I stood my ground and said let’s end it. She went crazy the other way, said she has nothing to live for and so even called for therapist. I don’t know I’m not a doctor but from what I read and understand I suspect BPD.

Feels like I've tested almost everything now, get pissed off, say stop let's not do this, leave her alone, argue with logic etc. No one works. Feels like she doesn’t know what she wants.

This became quite long so to summarize

Dad of 3 kids with one from a previous relationship.
Do not really want to divorce with children once more in life.
No good solution to how we fight och communicate.
Thinks she is fantastic when she is nice and in a good mood.
She is a very good stepmother to my daughter and is very fair between the children.
A good mother I would say she can snap with the children but not in a direct unnatural way.
Most people would say she is strong emotionally and very determent and bossy.
Cannot make her evolve and she has difficulty seeing her part in the shortcomings of the relationship. She thinks she's perfect and everyone else is wrong. It takes two to tango does not seem to be something she agrees with…

I need technique in handling this, and making the relationship better, I so long for her to realize her part and help us better the relationship but I can only change myself.

Sorry about the language, English is not my first language.

/Swepal

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there

Those fights do sounf like BPD (but we would need to know a lot more about her to say for sure. And with "we" I mean people) with that and 3 kids, it sounds like a lot in your plate.

When you keep leaning about communication un couples, you'll become familiar with the concept of primary and secondary emotions:

- Your primary emotion is that you want this relationship to work, and you want a happy family where everybody is kind to each other. Your actions have to be aimed at achive this.

- As obstacles to that appear, secondary emotions rise: Anger, frustration, exhaustion, judgements... .These are the emotions that we get as a reaction to our own thoughts about the primary emotion not being satisfied. Now, instintively, your actions try to get rid of those negative emotions, you want to be right, you want to blame someone else, you want to put down the fire. We all get stuck in this secondary emotions, anger fuels more judgements, judgements fuel more anger... .People with BPD more, but we all do. And we need to really focus in taking care on our own part.

We sometimes talk about this as act Vs react. When we are stuck reacting, we need to take a step back and calm ourselves so we remember our primary goals, and our emotions are not so invested in the reactions. This is what you mostly need now. Your immediate goal should be return to a calm state, even more important than fixing anything.

Telling your story and being able to share your worries and be understood is a good step on that. You can do things as a couple, relaxing activities, or each on their own. You don't need to retreat to the Himalayas, but you can take 10 minutes a day to deep slow breathing and trying to let go of any judgement, or anything that works for you (music, sports, yoga... .). You can start reading the basic tools on this website, maybe browse through the recomended books... .But don't lose sight of the 1st step.

Good luck!

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Swepal,

Welcome to the board! Your story sounds so familiar to many here. You've found a great place to get help and just feel some sanity in the crazy making that comes from being in a relationship wtih someone with BPD.

One of the biggest things I've learned since being on this site is that I cannot control my H's reaction, but I can control mine. And by controlling mine, my H tends to react better to me. Even though our partners may respond in an overly emotional way,  us nons also have a tendency to respond incorrectly too. We do things like justifying, argue, defend, and explain ourselves (We call it JADE).  To a pwBPD this is invalidating so they respond in turn with anger.

We have a lot of great workshops and lessons on the right side of the page to help you learn new techniques, skills, and better communication with your pwBPD. To get you started here is alink to one on the Dos and Don'ts of a BPD relationship:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

[Swepal]

Hi

Thanks for the answers, I so very happy I found this site. I helps to see others in similar situations. I'm sure I will find useful tools and support.

To describe a bit more and why I suspect BPD.
She had a rough or bad upbringing with a "special" mother. She basically had to take care of herself from a very young age; her mother wasn’t there and did a lot of bad stuff to her and her siblings. From what I heard the list is long. I would say her mother used them and give them “love or validation” when they did something for her. Cleaning the house, made dinner and so on. Her mother has non interest in her grandchildren, can’t babysit for an hour even. In my eyes she is a childish mentally, if she can’t park the car in a parking spot she is ready to drive home for 120km. But that’s her mother and they are naturally not very close and they don’t see another very often. My girlfriend breaks contact with her from time to time.

My girlfriend is not like her mother; she loves our kids and is a good mother. However my girlfriend can’t be alone, she need someone in the phone or someone over instantly and gives me bad conscience when I’m leaving her. She has an extreme black and white thinking, doing things that are not so well thought, buying a brand new car in 15 minutes, that’s actually cute or something almost funny. Test drive on the parking lot and did expect to get the car the same day, is 3 months delivery time! Sold the car with 8k $ loss after 3 months not so cute. Her own money so none of my business really.

It’s the extremes that I feel hard to handle, ripping of in the middle of the night and taking the kids with her. Looking me out of the home. However I understand I been in JADE and still are I’m not helping the situations with my reactions am fueling them, I get angry too, and would say it’s the last two-three months that I understand that it’s not all me, I felt like I was the one doing all the mistakes. And I did some not denying that, but we are two in a relationship. Last month or so I been trying to react different, but it’s hard as you understand. But have to say been better. I was also keeping notes on my phone with our fights mostly to read afterwards when we calm down and se that the stuff we argue about isn’t that big. And also to see if there is a pattern because it’s feels like it’s a two week pattern almost. I wrote that I suspect BPD, she found out when she was looking in my phone 3 weeks ago. I understand now that’s not really something you say to a person with BPD. I had to explain that I was suspecting that, of course I didn’t handle myself very well was angry in the moment.

You are absolutely right, my focus should be in my primary emotion, to make it work and have a happy family. This is something I need to work on, and even now when writing this I’m not 100 % there to be honest. I don’t now in what mood she going to be when I get home, had the kids this weekend to give her a weekend to hang out with her friends, I got to spend time with my buddies the past weekend so to even it out, and I really needed the break too. Have gotten some texts where she tells me I don’t care about her and that I don’t respond often enough or being to short in the texts. And that’s a bit true I wanted to be alone. She had been angry in the text and accusing me of planning to breakup when I’m with my family. Responded that’s not true I’m hanging out with my family and are not planning to breakup but I don’t want to fight over the phone (Usually we have long texts exchanges) and she can interrupt that how she wants but I don’t want to get in a text dialog.

I keep reading the info on the site, and I’m very thankful to write some stuff off even if it’s a bit in frustration and mostly for my self. To find people in similar situations also helps. Thank you for the replays it means a lot for me really.