Silent treatment with mind games?

[Xeonrebel]

Hello. Long story short (i posted my story in an older thread). I Was almost 7 years un a relationship with a woman i believe has BPD. She ended it because i cheated on her. She broke up with me last november 2016. I Made everything for her including sending 2 engagement rings (we had a long distance relationship), i sent 2 because the first one didnt fit her finger And she Made a tantrum. Anyway, nothing seemed to work so i gave up. She decided to return on April 2017, not before sending 2 msgs in Twitter about commiting suicide And  how she missed being Taken  care (thats how i reached her), but she only wanted to be friends while she decides to comeback to the relationship. During 3 months she insulted me, started dating using Tinder, anytime i said something wrong she would block me for a few days and when i tried to reach her using a different phone number she told me to beg her like she begged me (she begged like 2 times but it was her that decided to do it). The thing is i started therapy (again) in order yo leave her. Before i started therapy NC i called her for everything she did to me including the no win situations she put me through. She didnt say a word, just blocked me again. So i sent her a goodbye letter, which she didnt answered but wrote a few tweets 2 days later about our breakup using 2 memes. So the days passed, she didnt reach out, her birthday was last july 16, i didnt called her or anything. But 3 days later i felt extremely sad because i thought that she didnt love me anymore so i started sending msgs like a Maniac thru Twitter email or cell phone msgs. She didnt answer any of them. She blocked me interesa Twitter. Ok. So, where are the mind games? Turns out that i tried to reach her using a 2nd account that i had, i followed her, can't send direct messages but i tweet her, first nice messages, got nothing, so sent angry messages as well. Got nothing. She blocked me from facebook but she didnt blocked me from a 2nd account that she knows from a long time, i sent her a lot of msgs and odd enough she only blocked my msgs but she didnt blocked me entirely (we arent Friends And all i can see is her portrait pictures). Somehow i managed to view a few pictures she commented And i Saw one that teared my heart about going to a singles party on the beach. Honestly i went berserk, asked her mother for the rings back, told What her daughter was doing. So her mother send the rings after i sent her money(my ex gf said that she didnt have money to return them, but i believe she wanted to keep them) and i started no.contact again. The odd thing(again) is that even with that, she didnt block me from both 2nd accounts on Facebook And Twitter. Her mother told me that she believes she still wants me to know about her. Any thoughts of this? I started no contact And therapy in order to stop this madness that is taking a Toll on me.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Xeonrebel,

Can I just clarify, the relationship is over now and that is the way you wish to keep it or are you hoping to recycle?  It sounds like you have a lot of anger and frustration stemming from your pain about the relationship.  Would that be a fair assumption?  

I'm wondering what it was in your r/s that caused you to look outside of it to someone else?  Can you tell us a little history to give us a clear picture?  

It's good to hear that you are having therapy and if NC is what you feel is right for you then I hope this helps you to find some peace.  There certainly didn't seem to be much in the way of positive coming from your communications with one another from what you describe.  It sounds like both of you have been feeling very hurt.  Perhaps some space is best all round if attempting to reach out wasn't improving anything and causing more tension to build.  One way to give yourself that space from further heartache would be to avoid looking at her social media or activity in any way.  I'd suggest you consider setting a boundary on yourself regards this.  You may find this article useful.  I referred to it before going NC and it was really helpful to me to think about my purpose in doing so.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way    

I can imagine all this certainly has taken a toll so it would be wise to focus on yourself for a while and get the benefit of the therapy.  I'd also encourage you to take a look at the lessons here   when you are ready.  They have been a real help to me in my own processing and healing.  

Stay in touch and let us know how things are going.  You are far from alone.  Many other members are going through the same range of emotions and questions, so sharing your story can benefit others too.  We're listening.

Love and light x

[Xeonrebel]

Hi. Thanks for your answer. You are right that im in pain, i think for a lot of reasons, i feel used in those 3 months of "friendship" only to be subject of her silent treatment, insults and push pull. I hate the idea that i didnt left her the moment she told me went on a date with someone she met on tinder. She once told me that she hated me because i broke her life and i was always on her mind. And i hate that she gave me the silent treatment knowing that it hurts ((believe me,, she knows)) after i told her everything that she did to me. Anyway no contact. I guess some questions will be left unanswered... thanks

[Xeonrebel]

By the way, i have a question for you. how good or bad is it to take back the rings? i mean, BPD arent disabled people whom we cannot fight back. im asking this because a few days ago i got both engagement rings back. short story about the rings. like i said, we had a long distance relationship, i or she used to travel at least one a month to our cities. when she broke up with me, out of despair as seeing she really was leaving this time, i bought an engagement ring. since her mother told me not to travel to see her, i sent it via package (january 2017). as far as i know through her mother, she didnt like it because it didnt fit her finger and she didnt like the way i did it (i have no problem with that, i already know thats not the way to do the things). anyway, on february 2017 i sent another ring (again her mother told me not to travel), this time, a ring that i knew it would fit her finger. again, i knew through her mother (cause she wouldnt acknowledge by email or whatspp or anything that she got them) that it was too late and supposedly was dating somebody. at that moment i just went no contact, when she started charming, and we came back as friends on april 2017.

looking back at how the story unwinded, with all the insults, dating almost in my face, and devaluation and her silent treatment, i realized that the only difference between this breakup and the last breakup was the engagement ring.
so, after 1 month of ST i decided to make a move and asked for the rings back, but this time for sure, cause i had already asked for them the last 2 months, she said that she would return them, but she didnt. she gave me a lot of pretext, including having no money to send them. so i called her mother, gave her the money, and her mother sent both rings back to my city. her mother told me that she told her daughter that once she returned the rings, there is not going back. as far as i know she didnt say anything about keep them (although im pretty sure if it were for her, she wouldnt have returned them).
the reason i did it was because i was tired to be a doormat. she was leaving well and with no harm done to me on march, the rings were part of a memento. but she came back only to do some damage. im pretty sure the rings gave her some power. the power to think that i would be there no matter what, no matter the insults, the dating and stuff. thats why i wanted the rings. it is a way to teach her that all of her doings have consequences and she has responsability this time. i left her a lot of my stuff, including a tv, a bluray, an other things. i havent got a response from her yet.
your thoughts?

[Harley Quinn]

Feelings are hurt when relationships end.  You wouldn't be the first person to ask for a ring (or two in your case) back in anger/pain/both.  It's true that it could send a message that the sentiment behind giving the rings is no longer there, or she could read it as an indication that you are hurt by her actions because of your still deep feelings for her.  This could lead her to test the water for recycle at a later stage.  What you say about consequences and responsibility is valid, in that we can sometimes take the position of enabler during a r/s with a pwBPD through adopting the care taking role of a codependent and what a sufferer really needs is opportunities to learn to take responsibility for themselves and their behaviours.  Otherwise they cannot grow into independent individuals.  I'm not sure how much of an effect asking for the rings back after the break up will have in that regard.  Time may tell.         

I'd say that what's done is done.  I did things I was far from proud of and made matters worse at times but right or wrong we need to move on from our actions as we can't change them.  What counts now is what you do going forward.  Having some time and space away from the r/s to reflect, begin to heal and focus on yourself will give you perspective in itself and allow you the opportunity to decide what you want in the future.  Whether that means having her play some part in your life or otherwise. 

What response would you hope to have from her after her returning the rings to you?

Love and light x   

[Xeonrebel]

Thank you very much Harley. I was expecting at least an apology. But she continues the sheer silence. Do you know what i hate the most? I have to be honest with you. Im kinda obsessive, i mean, i need answer in order to keep going. Apparently my ex gf knows that And she has show me during all this time that everything she does has some meaning in the end. For example, today i told her that i got the rings And i wanted to Say goodbye. At the same time i told her about other things i saw in her Facebook about going to a concert with somebody And that knowing that allows me not to believe her lies if she ever contacts me in the future. I told her who i was in Facebook, i literally ask her if she liked to be stalked (i'm doing it on pourpuse to see if i get a reaction) And i told her to block me and Guess What Harley? She hasnt block me yet as this moment! Im going to follow your advice about not cheking her social accounts, but i hope you can see what im dealing with and how is difficult for others to see And if you have an opinion or experience about it.

[Xeonrebel]

I forgot to tell you that im partially blocked. She blocked me one night from the messaging system but not from the Facebook. Im not friends with her, but she knows that i can see things from her. Thats why think its a deliberate act. Do you have any opinión regarding this?

[Harley Quinn]

I have to be honest with you. Im kinda obsessive, i mean, i need answer in order to keep going.

Sometimes we must see no response AS a response and be prepared to accept that.  A person can choose not to react or simply not have anything to say about something.  You can't know what she is thinking or feeling, only what you are.  She may be overwhelmed with shame at some of her actions, or feeling hurt by yours.  So what would happen if you didn't hear from her?

Im going to follow your advice about not cheking her social accounts, but i hope you can see what im dealing with and how is difficult for others to see And if you have an opinion or experience about it.

I find, as do many members, that it can be quite difficult for others outside of the r/s to relate to the intensity of the experience, and how complex it can be emotionally to deal with, both during and afterwards in the aftermath.  It has been such a lifeline for me to come to these boards and hear from others who can relate and I hope you too can take solace here in knowing that your feelings are understood.  We know how hard it can be to resist these compulsions.  What you're going through is like kicking a hard drug addiction and that's tough.

She blocked me one night from the messaging system but not from the Facebook. Im not friends with her, but she knows that i can see things from her. Thats why think its a deliberate act. Do you have any opinión regarding this?

It's quite likely that she would prefer to keep a line of communication open so that she can keep you in the frame.  By contacting her and checking up on her it is possibly having the effect of causing her to see you in a poor light.  The push/pull dynamic is quite common and when an attachment shows no interest or is decisive about leaving a r/s this can create desperate behaviours aimed at pulling them back in.  The same goes the other way.  Desperation on our part can cause them to push back and retreat.  At the same time, as I said above, she may be feeling guilt and shame that she's unable to deal with right now so is steering clear of anything that would cause her to face these feelings. 

I'm glad you've decided to stop checking these things.  As you can see it can raise more questions and rumination, which can hold you back in dealing with your own healing.  Have you managed to take a look at the lessons to the right?  Working through a process gradually helps us to keep a check on ourselves and where we're at.  I'd really encourage you to step back from the social media for now and give yourself a little breathing space to think about yourself and what your wants and needs are.  We can help you with this, so keep posting.

Love and light x   

[Xeonrebel]

Thanks Harley Queen. Your posts have given me Light. I just blocked her from everywhere. But i just have one last question. Just before i blocked her i noticed that she kept continue liking pictures of some dude even when i wrote her a mail about her doings involving those likes and i also told her to block me,but she didnt do it. What's the purpouse of doing that? I understand the push and pull dynamic, but why causing me pain or give jelousy?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Xeonrebel,

Playing devil's advocate here, it is possible she is just doing what she does and you are choosing to look... .If your relationship is over then it is her choice who she sends messages to, what pics she likes etc. 

It is also possible that she is hoping for a reaction (as she knows it's something that bothers you) so that she can gauge your willingness to be kept in the frame for a future recycle of the r/s if she chooses.  She may want to know if you are prepared to 'fight' for her by showing your jealousy (which would not get a favourable response so it's a catch 22 anyway).

As we've agreed, stepping back from the situation is best all round at this point so that emotions can settle a little and perspective can be gained.  I know it's hard, but try to find ways to stop yourself from poking at your bruises by giving in to the impulse to check on her.  Put yourself first now.  Give yourself the attention you would be giving to your r/s.

Love and light x