How to not feel so empty?

[NewStart]

I'm about 4 month out of divorce after a 2 1/2 year marriage... .she got my boys and my home of 13 years, $100,000+ of the equity I had in the home and from what I hear has really settled in and become part of my old neighborhood... .

I'm really struggling as I miss my home, I miss my neighborhood and my old neighbors... .she's living in my home that was perfectly remodeled and dialed in after a 13+ year labor of my love and she's befriended all my old neighbors... .and I now live across town in a 950 square foot "fixer upper"... .

I'm almost 50 years old and the short time spent with her feels like it pulled almost everything out of my life... .I had a beautiful home, I was physically fit, active in so many ways, had a great friend group... .and now I just feel drained of everything... .

She is beautiful and very charming and in our small community I think she's convinced many of my old friends and neighbors that I somehow deserved what I got... .

How did you all dig out?

NewStart... . 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey NewStart, I can relate.  I was once married to a pwBPD w/two kids in a lovely home that we remodeled, yet it all came unglued.  BPD is a terrible disorder that leaves destruction in its wake.  My Ex, like yours, is charming and attractive.  She is a gregarious person and was known as the unofficial "Mayor" of our small town.  Little did people know what the "Mayor" was really like behind closed doors!  Don't be so sure about what your old friends and neighbors think about you.  I later learned that many were aware that my Ex had emotional problems and didn't fault me for leaving.  Maybe it will be the same for you.  In any event, I'm a lot happier now a few years after our divorce and I think you will be, too, over time.  Sure, I lost everything, but I'm back to being myself again, which is its own reward.  Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[NewStart]

Thank you for the thoughts LJ... .feeling lost and looking for a way out of the worm hole... .time will be my friend, just having trouble letting go of the home and neighborhood I lost... .one day at a time

[Lucky Jim]

You're welcome.  The way out, I suggest, involves picking up the threads of your life prior to your marriage to a pwBPD.  Get back to your center, who you are at your core.  Strive for authenticity.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Be yourself!  You get the idea.  Sometimes you have to lose yourself in order to find yourself.  Now is also a good time to figure out why you married a pwBPD in the first place, so that you understand why you took this detour in life.  Your true friends will stand by you, whereas others will drop out because they weren't really your friends.  It's OK and all part of the process.  Hang in there,

LJ

[patientandclear]

NewStart--hi. It makes sense that you would feel empty. What you've just gone through is a devastating (and unfair) experience.

I remember your story from way back, before you met this woman. You were recovering from the loss of someone else with BPD when you met her. It seems likely you jumped into this relationship which proved so destructive quickly and without enough care to make sure she was a good partner, because you so badly wanted an exit from the prior round of bad feelings with your BPD exgf. That means you may be vulnerable to doing it again now, when you are again facing hurt and loss and confusion.

Agree with LJ that very best use of this period of hurt and injury is to look at why you entered this marriage that proved so destructive. That's not such fun work so make sure to leaven it with gifts of enjoyment for yourself. Our souls crave being taken care of and nurtured. I know it's not a perfect solution to do nice things by yourself but it's a lot better than NOT doing such things. Things WILL change again in ways you can't possibly predict. You need to be sure when they do that you don't grab at something that appears sweet but will crack you open again.

[NewStart]

Hi Patientandclear,

I remember you well... .and yeah I've gone through this crazy ride twice... .and yes, I did jump in much to quickly and yes I ignored so many red flags... .would I do something like this again, hell no I've got no energy left for it.

I'm sure it's tied to a certain degree of self loathing, a certain self destructive streak.  Then you find someone that hooks onto that, that leverages your needs... .they aren't really there for us... .they see the weakness and they exploit it for their own gain... .

NS

[Ahoy]

Hi Patientandclear,

I remember you well... .and yeah I've gone through this crazy ride twice... .and yes, I did jump in much to quickly and yes I ignored so many red flags... .would I do something like this again, hell no I've got no energy left for it.

I'm sure it's tied to a certain degree of self loathing, a certain self destructive streak.  Then you find someone that hooks onto that, that leverages your needs... .they aren't really there for us... .they see the weakness and they exploit it for their own gain... .

NS

I found a lot of my apathy stemmed from a light depression that had developed. I'm not a superstar on the subject but I know this can be caused from the body not producing enough serotonin naturally due to stress/fatigue.

Anyways I considered asking a GP for antidepressants if my malaise didn't improve, because like you, I had to give up a LOT of what I had worked so hard for. Thankfully after a year I was able to find my mojo a little bit and start getting my act together, working hard again for my future.

FYI I never did end up needing to get a prescription, I came close but just the natural process of moving forward (and a little exercise) did the trick for me. I will add, there were days, especially at the start where I had to literally force my behind out of bed and MAKE something happen. It was so easy to dwell on the futility of my situation lying there under the blankets... .

[livednlearned]

Hey friend 

It's normal to feel gutted 4 months out, at the point where you are.

The feelings you describe are difficult. How are you managing things? When you feel empty (or hurt, anger, despair), what is your way of coping or managing the pain?

[JaxDK]

How did you all dig out?

NewStart... . 

It wasn't easy. Although I didn't have anything of value I lost like you. I spent 2 1/2 months just sitting and watching HBO/Netflix, living at my brothers place. If i wasn't doing that, I was analyzing the relationship, doing research on the disorder.

I made a conscious decision of no matter how bad I felt inside, no matter the regrets that kept popping up, to get out and do something. Anything. I started with changing my wardrobe, losing weight(which wasn't hard considering I had no appetite), contacting friends I had neglected and spent time with them, telling them my story. Day by day it just seemed to get a little bit easier. For me it was imperative I returned to the person I was before her. That guy was completely gone at the end, replaced with an empty shell, that only existed within the confines of that relationship. I liked myself with her because I was a better selfless person. That guy wasn't useful to me now. It just kept me stuck unable to move on

Letting go of the guy I was with her, is still a process, but the more I use the freedom I have the better I feel. Even if it's just for that 1 day

[Lucky Jim]

For me it was imperative I returned to the person I was before her. That guy was completely gone at the end, replaced with an empty shell, that only existed within the confines of that relationship.

I totally agree w/that, JaxDK.  Recovery to me involves getting back to my center and the person I am at my core.  I pretended a lot in my marriage to a pwBPD.  No more.  Now I strive for authenticity and listen to my gut feelings.  I try to be myself and be honest about my feelings.  I find other people respond to it, too, because they enjoy the reappearance of the "real me"!

LJ