I don't even know...

[GirlfriendInHell]

I think my boyfriend of 8 years has BPD but we are waiting on an appointment with a psychiatrist to confirm.

I don't even know where to begin.

I feel frustrated,  misunderstood and helpless all the time. He says he wants to get help but never takes any action. All I know is that I can't live like this much longer but I can't simply walk away.

I am seriously caught between a rock and a hard place.

I know this doesn't give you very much information to go on but my thoughts are in such disarray.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi GirlfriendInHell,

Oh, I see you posted this a few days ago. How are you doing now? It sounds like an important step that he is about to get a diagnosis. Try not to look too far ahead or let yourself worry too much. I know it is so, so hard! This can all become very, very overwhelming so just try to take it a step at a time and be in the present. Do you expect he may get some medication or begin some kind of therapy or both? Is getting the diagnosis something he is doing with the expectation of following up on? 

Since you posted in improving does that mean you intend/hope to keep working your way through this with him? I know this is not an easy decision, but you will find a lot of tools here to help you with communication and making sense of this whole experience. It is very confusing! I know at times it has completely shaken me to the core. It has shaken my normal sense of "stay together no matter what" kind of commitment. It has shaken my beliefs about love. Well, simply everything.

But we can do something here together about your feeling "frustrated, misunderstood, and helpless." You have every right to feel frustrated and confused, but with more learning it will become better. Here you are very well understood! And you are not helpless, there are tools to cope and we are here coping with you, okay? It's an illness that he has, and some illnesses are very, very challenging. I don't know what contacts you have in real life, but here there are so many people who understand and can help you sort this all out bit by bit.

[GirlfriendInHell]

Thank you very much for your reply. Your kind words have been very helpful in feeling like I am not alone in this.

In response to your question as to how I am doing now, I can say that I am still going around and around. It seems like nothing ever gets resolved and its a constant struggle to stay afloat. He is very good at projection so basically if he feels sad, I feel sad, etc. His mood dictates how the entire day, week, month will go.

I am hoping to work through this him but have accepted that in order for me to live a happy and fulfilling life, that may not be possible. I feel very selfish for even thinking that way and "abandoning" him at his worst time but I cannot live my entire life unhappy and "walking on eggshells". When I get mad at something has done, I swear it is the last time but when I calm down, I just can't bring myself to leave. His "selfishness" (I know its a symptom of the disorder but this is how it comes across) breeds resentment in me because everything is all about him (I know this again, sounds really bad) but I don't feel like my needs and wants are met or even simply acknowledged. 

It is hard to deal with his "freak outs" (that's what I call them anyway). He does this in front of and to my friends which leaves them judging me and thinking how could she stay with him? They think he takes advantage of me and I feel stupid because I always forgive him because I understand that its a mental illness. I am just tired of defending my actions and decisions to everyone.

Most of my friends and family do not understand a bit of mental illness. This creates judgments which in turn, leaves me feeling more and more isolated because I don't want to reach out when I've heard "you need to leave him" so many times. People have even threatened to end their relationship with me for his actions. Its so defeating. 

It doesn't fix the problem or help me in any way to have such judgmental people in my life. I can't walk away knowing he is at his worst and needs help to get better. Just not sure if that makes me compassionate or stupid because most of the time I feel like the latter.

Thanks for "listening"!

[Jessica84]

If you're looking for non-judgmental support, you've come to the right place! You are not alone.

I'm very familiar with a lot of what you wrote. Friends not understanding why I stay. Projection and him telling me how I feel, based on how he feels. Getting mad at him, calming down later, forgiving him without actually resolving anything, feeling resentful... .then circling back to mad, calm, forgive, resent... .It's a vicious circle, but there's a way off this ride. Have you read any of the lessons on the right of the screen? There are tools there that can help with all of this.

How are your boundaries? People with BPD can erode them quickly if we're not careful. We get so caught up in their whirlwinds of chaos, we barely notice it happening... .until things feels so 'off' we can't stand it. Knowing they have an illness and having compassion is one thing... .but it should not give them a free pass. How do you protect yourself from his "freak outs"?

[GirlfriendInHell]

I am so happy to have found a place where what I am going through is understood! 

I have read the tools and, as bad as it sounds, I am waiting for the next freak out to test them out. I am a little skeptical because his anger is so out of control that nothing seems to work with him. Argue back, he takes it up a notch... .sit there quietly hoping for it to pass,  gets even more mad because apparently that means I don't care... .try to acknowledge how he's feeling and he takes it as sarcasm or ingenuity. I feel like I just can't do anything right in that moment. You know like "F*cked if you do,  f*cked if you don't type of thing... .

My boundaries are laughable. I try but as you say, they are quickly eroded. Trying to set these boundaries makes him feel like I'm selfish, I don't care about him etc. He doesn't get that a relationship requires healthy boundaries. His expectations of me are highly unrealistic. I cannot devote all of my time,  drop everything to help him or get him out of any mess that he gets himself into during one of his freak outs. I feel like I spend more time parenting him than being in an equal standing relationship.

With his freak outs, depending on what they are over,  I assess and decide how to respond. For example, if his freak out is sparked because he cannot clean something off of the bottom of the pan he's scrubbing,  I will not say anything and just ride it out. If he's freaking out because I am mad at him for something he did,  I tend to fight back and disprove his arguments which frustrates him so he just goes ballistic and turns the fight into something completely unrelated to the initial fight which lasts hoouursss. He really has a warped sense of reality during this time but I refuse to always back down especially if it's something I believe in. I quickly regret it because it's taken to such a level that is just ridiculous, unmanageable and not worth the potential consequences. 

Thanks for replying to my post! 

[Jessica84]

Since you are on the improving board, I assume you want to stay and try to make this r/s work?

I know it's frustrating and a lot to digest. With time and practice, things can improve. When I first learned about BPD, none of it worked for me either. No matter what I did, same result. Validated, he exploded. Inserted boundaries, he exploded.

1) I wasn't good at it. 2) he wasn't buying it.

We had a long history to shake off. He was used to our old patterns. My validation looked like sarcasm to him (understandable since this is how I was before, constantly invalidating him, arguing, defending myself). My boundaries looked like threats (which is what they were before, and mostly meaningless. I constantly provoked him). Of course none of it felt sincere to him! But my clumsily worded validation was genuine/supportive, and my boundaries were real, no longer about threatening or adjusting his behavior, just protecting myself from his "freakouts". The dynamics did slowly change, for the better. For every action, there is a reaction.

So keep reading, learning, trying. Stay the course... .and be consistent. Don't worry if you stumble. You can recover. 

[GirlfriendInHell]

I am not sure what I want to do. Sometimes I feel like the romantic relationship is killed but other times I feel like it could work. I just don't know. This seems to be the theme of my life.

I at least want to help him through this, even as a friend, at least until he is a bit more stable. We've been together for 8 years, since I was 15. I feel like he has become a family member to me. He doesn't have a very good support group either so I feel a lot of responsibility to help him through this. I want to, I am just getting sick of dealing with the freak outs, lying, manipulation etc. Somethings gotta give!

Do you think that consistency with validation and patience with him will eventually make him realize that I am being sincere? How do I show him my new approach is genuine?

Does the person that you know with BPD lying about EVERYTHING? How do you deal with this? It makes me want to explode every time, no matter the size or nature of the lie. However, I realize that type of reaction just makes him explode.

Are there any specific tools on here that you think I would benefit from? I am trying to make my way through all of them but maybe there are some that I should read sooner rather than later?

Thanks again for your time  

[Jessica84]

Sorry to leave you hanging! These are all good questions. 

As you learn more, your relationship may improve or you may decide to move on. The point of this board for you may be in deciding whether you want to stay. That's ok. If you give it a serious try and still want out, you can at least say you gave it your all. The lessons here will help you in life, whatever you decide. So what have you got to lose?    We first have to stop making things worse.

Do you think that consistency with validation and patience with him will eventually make him realize that I am being sincere? How do I show him my new approach is genuine?

It could. Everyone is different. It took mine at least a month before he trusted me and began to react in a more positive way. Proving it meant being consistent, without telling him what I was doing. He just felt it over time, began to trust the sincerity, and began to respond better.

Does the person that you know with BPD lying about EVERYTHING? How do you deal with this? It makes me want to explode every time, no matter the size or nature of the lie. However, I realize that type of reaction just makes him explode.

Lies are difficult. Mine exaggerates - one time becomes "always". He projects his feelings onto me - that way he can blame me instead of dealing with his own feelings. He also remembers things all wrong - pwBPD often rearrange the facts in their heads to fit their current moods. Feelings = facts.

None of this is necessarily intentional on their part - but a coping mechanism to justify their feelings or to avoid feeling any emotion too intensely.  Knowing it was unintentional helped me a lot - I stopped assuming he was manipulating. I could take his freak outs less personally -- the meltdowns weren't about me, even if he said they were. They were about him trying to cope with his swirling, out of control emotions. I was the convenient scapegoat for these feelings. This is why it is so important to validate the feelings - it can bring them back to a baseline where they can see clearly again.

Think of a time you got super-emotional. Did you think clearly? Were you seeing red? Were your thoughts jumbled up as your emotions were running wild? This is where they live. 

What happens once you've calmed down? Cooler thoughts prevail, right? Same with them. Only they can't do this on their own in a heightened state. So it's up to us to recognize what is happening, and act accordingly. Our goal is to bring the temperature down so we can resume a rational discussion. And if not, to escape the conflict.

Are there any specific tools on here that you think I would benefit from? I am trying to make my way through all of them but maybe there are some that I should read sooner rather than later?

I started with the LESSONS here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0
Browse thru the topics and see which ones interest you most. VALIDATION and BOUNDARIES are probably the most important. Validation to cool things down, boundaries for when the pot's boiling over.

It is important to remember they don't process things as we do. We get hot, process the feelings, cool down, make healthy decisions. They get hot, stay hot, grow hotter, hotter, kaboom... .they don't deal with the feelings and make horrible decisions. It's too much. So the best soothing, cooling balm is... .validation. If that doesn't work, I let him self-soothe, on his own... .boundaries.