How to handle

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi

My first post on this forum.

I'm a father of 3 living with a woman that I suspect have BPD.
She did not have a good childhood with a mother I would describe as psychopath but I’m no Doctor. But her mother kicked her out, left her alone, called her names and treated here without love from very young years, she moved out alone when she was 15. Her mother to summarize shows a lot of traits that are BPD but with even less love for her kids, it's her way or no way. She has 5 kids two of the she has no contact she left them when they were small. The rest of the kids speaks with her sometime but have a really hard time being with her more then a day or two. The kids try to pretend it’s a normal family but they are always the describing the bad things their mother did to them in their up bring.  

Me and my girlfriend (we are not married) have two kids with her and one from a previous marriage that lives with us every other week.
I have a hard time dealing with the provocations in her cycle, she pushes me a way hard, and I'm I find myself trying to get her close again and again until the cycle ends. This gives me doubts of the relationship but I also feel so looked in with the kids and all. And I do love her, but it's so hard to deal with the emotions outburst. On or off, small stuff will end up in provocations in texts and so on, and it's hard not to respond or get upset. I feel like the relationship is love less in periods and feel like I just want to give up. It feels like she uses emotional blackmail with me. We have a sex life and for me that's something I use to feel love and closeness. She is now angry as she is describing me to just after sex. How do I turn the mood around more easy, it’s okay if it’s a day and she had an outburst I’m starting to handle that, but when I feel like she is giving me the silent or cold treatment for days its starts to affect me and gets me pissed off and I’m starting to resent her.

I would describe our relationship in between stage two and three in for stages of breakup. We been together for around 4 years, sure it’s not easy with two smaller kids but this is leaving me really unhappy, and I feel I have no ware to charge my energy.

I’m open for every tip there is in handling and bettering the relationship.
How to I turn her around to be loving again. (I been open with her and told her she hurts me and makes me sad) Does not same to help I would say see then see it more as a weakness.

I need to shorten down the angry or disrespectful cycle a week or two is too long and I get to affected, makes me depressed and sad and won’t let me function optimally with work and social areas of life.

I also need help keeping my cool when she is provoking me. But it feels like she never stops until I get upset. I’m walking around with a feeling that this will never work and waiting for the next crises.

I’m no angel ether and when I get pissed off I say hurtful things as well and a lot of bad stuff is said in anger. I always apologize when this has happened but that need to stop too.  

This is my first post and I realize it’s not a very describing one but I need to start some ware. English is not my native tongue so please have transparency with my language.

[Swepal]

Hi

My first post on this forum.

I'm a father of 3 living with a woman that I suspect have BPD.
She did not have a good childhood with a mother I would describe as psychopath but I’m no Doctor. But her mother kicked her out, left her alone, called her names and treated here without love from very young years, she moved out alone when she was 15. Her mother to summarize shows a lot of traits that are BPD but with even less love for her kids, it's her way or no way. She has 5 kids two of the she has no contact she left them when they were small. The rest of the kids speaks with her sometime but have a really hard time being with her more then a day or two. The kids try to pretend it’s a normal family but they are always the describing the bad things their mother did to them in their up bring.  

Me and my girlfriend (we are not married) have two kids with her and one from a previous marriage that lives with us every other week.
I have a hard time dealing with the provocations in her cycle, she pushes me a way hard, and I'm I find myself trying to get her close again and again until the cycle ends. This gives me doubts of the relationship but I also feel so looked in with the kids and all. And I do love her, but it's so hard to deal with the emotions outburst. On or off, small stuff will end up in provocations in texts and so on, and it's hard not to respond or get upset. I feel like the relationship is love less in periods and feel like I just want to give up. It feels like she uses emotional blackmail with me. We have a sex life and for me that's something I use to feel love and closeness. She is now angry as she is describing me to just after sex. How do I turn the mood around more easy, it’s okay if it’s a day and she had an outburst I’m starting to handle that, but when I feel like she is giving me the silent or cold treatment for days its starts to affect me and gets me pissed off and I’m starting to resent her.

I would describe our relationship in between stage two and three in for stages of breakup. We been together for around 4 years, sure it’s not easy with two smaller kids but this is leaving me really unhappy, and I feel I have no ware to charge my energy.

I’m open for every tip there is in handling and bettering the relationship.
How to I turn her around to be loving again. (I been open with her and told her she hurts me and makes me sad) Does not same to help I would say see then see it more as a weakness.

I need to shorten down the angry or disrespectful cycle a week or two is too long and I get to affected, makes me depressed and sad and won’t let me function optimally with work and social areas of life.

I also need help keeping my cool when she is provoking me. But it feels like she never stops until I get upset. I’m walking around with a feeling that this will never work and waiting for the next crises.

I’m no angel ether and when I get pissed off I say hurtful things as well and a lot of bad stuff is said in anger. I always apologize when this has happened but that need to stop too.  

This is my first post and I realize it’s not a very describing one but I need to start some ware. English is not my native tongue so please have transparency with my language.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi,

I already answered you on another introduction post. How is it going?

[Santi83]

I also need help keeping my cool when she is provoking me. But it feels like she never stops until I get upset. I’m walking around with a feeling that this will never work and waiting for the next crises.

I just start dating this person 3 month ago and I'm so close to end all this.

 Like u said... .

"she never stops until i get upset"

I have this problem at least 4 times a week. Actually I don't know if this person loves me or not. Like the other day I get on her phone (don't judge plz) and I saw a message to her friend saying... .
"I will get drunk to hurt his feelings"
 and the friend told her... .
" why u two don't come to my house watch some movies and spend the night here but not doing "stuffs" on the bed "
 and my girlfriend answer her... .
"don't worry we barely do it, I feel sorry for him "

I don't know what to think. I don't have kids with her I just started dating her. I can't help u but I feel that you feeling right know.

[Swepal]

I just start dating this person 3 month ago and I'm so close to end all this.

 Like u said... .

"she never stops until i get upset"

I have this problem at least 4 times a week. Actually I don't know if this person loves me or not. Like the other day I get on her phone (don't judge plz) and I saw a message to her friend saying... .
"I will get drunk to hurt his feelings"
 and the friend told her... .
" why u two don't come to my house watch some movies and spend the night here but not doing "stuffs" on the bed "
 and my girlfriend answer her... .
"don't worry we barely do it, I feel sorry for him "

I don't know what to think. I don't have kids with her I just started dating her. I can't help u but I feel that you feeling right know.



Yeah, I feel you, I believe they are very affried of trusting someone.
What helped me abit the last weeks is actually "giving up" I don't care if she gets upset, I try to keep my cool, and tell here in a friendly manager. If this makes you upset and you want to fight about it, it up to you. If this ruins you're day or whatever you want to say. Know that I'm here and will be doing so and so. The thing is don't give in to provokeing you. It's so hard, but there more you think about it the better it becomes. Keep you guys posted.

[Swepal]

Hi,

I already answered you on another introduction post. How is it going?

Hi

Haven’t been posting here in a couple of days.

Well how is it going?
I'm not sure to be honest.

I have tried to take a step back and not be so affected by her reactions. In any case, trying not to show it so much or respond to it. I would say it's different, she has distanced herself, clearly shown that she does not want me close. Nothing intimate, and attempts from my side has been clearly marked by her side almost with resent. I feel unloved in the relationship and we walk around almost trying to avoid another, I'm also a bit ego hurt from the resentment she gives me when I’m trying to be closer or intimate. I have stopped trying and will give her time, this can be normal. But as you understand it's hard not giveing her a reaction, but i feels like what ever I do it's wrong. If I try to be close and loving i'm clingy, I if give her space it feels very unloving and like resentment.

Tried to talking to her and ask her if she is angry with something or something else. She has replied that there is nothing. She feels very absent and I experience it as she tries to make me jealous or make me a little unstable. I'm trying not to react, she has been accusing me for cheating and maybe that’s something she is worried about. I don't know... .

So, there is a cycle again, but now she is responding with more silence then anger I would say. We have been there before.
Resentment is hanging there in the background it feels like. I'm going to try to be positive and loving and see how she responds.

[pearlsw]

Hi Swepal,

Sorry you are having troubles in your relationship. I notice you are posting here on the "Improving" board. Have you had a chance to read our try out any of the lessons? I am working little by little, but I find overall I am seeing good results. He sometimes even picks up on positive things I am doing and is trying to be more mindful sometimes. It is not easy, but it can make a difference. In any case, you will improve your communication skills all around and that can never hurt!

Take care!

[Swepal]

Hi Swepal,

Sorry you are having troubles in your relationship. I notice you are posting here on the "Improving" board. Have you had a chance to read our try out any of the lessons? I am working little by little, but I find overall I am seeing good results. He sometimes even picks up on positive things I am doing and is trying to be more mindful sometimes. It is not easy, but it can make a difference. In any case, you will improve your communication skills all around and that can never hurt!

Take care!

Hello

I try to use tools, the fights have improved (less angry fights) but it feels like she gives me the silent treatment instead, and it's so tiring.

I ask her today in a calm tone, what she likes about the relationship. Her answer was (but I have not fought with you now or what?) Explained that it was not what I meant, I asked if she was satisfied with the relationship and how i felt like? Asked her why she did not answer texts, explained that I sent fun and loving texts to get her in a better mood. She answers that she has answered me or she might have been busy with work.  Explained that one might be at work, etc. but I still thought she understood what I meant and explained that it felt like I was getting the silent treatment, not answering questions etc. She did not deny it.
Asked her if she wanted to go apart. She said she thought we should go and talk to someone and she wants to move to another city but accused me of not letting the kids move. I admit if we separate I wants the kids 50% but to be honest it doesn’t feel like that ever going to happen. If I leave I might have to give up the kids more, maybe even get used to seeing them every other weekend. The big girl lives 50 % with me and I would hate myself refusing her and her siblings a good and close upbringing. But I have to think about it, it fels like I have no other way out of this kinda. Told her that to, told her I only want to love her but it feels like she is not letting me, and it feels like I must give up.

A bad day.

Well that was more to write some stuff off.
What have worked for you? What techniques do you work with?
Tell me more about your relationship and how it’s going. 
Thanks for the support, and right back at you.
Say strong.

[pearlsw]

Hi again Swepal,

Have you seen this? www.https://bpdfamily.org/2008/07/silent-treatment-when-your-partner-acts.html

The silent treatment can be used by anyone in a relationship, BPD or not. It can be scary when a relationship reaches this point, but it does not necessarily have to mean the end. Before I knew my husband had BPD traits this kind of thing would happen. He would be so awful at points I (a non) would start to withdraw and sometimes hope that not talking to him would get him to see how terrible he had treated me and incentivize him against behaving that way. It didn't.

I would recommend that if/when the current silent treatment stops you talk over the issue when she is calm and find out about the feelings involved. Lots of people aren't good at communicating. Sometimes all they actually want is more time and attention from us. It is that simple. But you have to find out the issues.

It's funny. My husband often could "get me back" by just being funny or nice. I could not hold myself when I saw him as just a person who wanted to reconnect. If he was not mad at all and it was just me it would also be easy to let my wall down. I am a non though. I may be an easier egg to break.  I could also get my husband after these moments, when he went quiet, by just apologizing or doing something nice for him or waiting. He does not like to be alone so he can't hold it for so long, but sometimes he will purposefully call his kids or his brother so he can connect to someone and not need me.

In the long run though I have just decided not to use such a tool. I think the sooner you can get things back on track the better so don't let it go on too long. It is not a battle. She does not win and neither do you. You have to find a way to talk. Silence should not go on for too long. Good luck!:)

[Swepal]

Hi

Will read more as soon I get the time.

I agree I often try to distance myself if she is giving me the silent treatment, feels like we both can be on our best behavior or walking on eggshells:)  
I just don't want to be around her then cus it makes me uncomfortable but I hate it and can let it go on for 2-3 days tops. After that it feels like everything sucks and I get thoughts about leaving.

I will try to explain abit more... .

Basically what happened the day before was that I told here  I'm tired of not getting anywhere and it always feels like we have an issue that puts our relationship in chaos. And I told her I'm so tired I don't know what to do anymore.
Almost like we need to go separate parts, but did not mention those worlds. She left early the day day after this before anyone woke up.

When I got home later that day, She was very cheerful and nice to me when I got home. I love this girl and she is the mother to my kids and I kissed here and forgave her and we had a nice dinner together. Im struggling with setting borders somewhat? But like you say Its not about getting her back by me continueing.

It was some tension still ofcource but I thought it was a good time to talk thing over. The conversation started out good and I was listening with empathy and understanding and did't say no to anything. But made my points what I thought about the matter. We did't agree but I made it clear that I understand her point of view and that I could also think like her if I was her. However when this point was made, she started to accuse me of being selfish and became irreteted.
I made it very clear in a most understanding and nice tone that I think it's better to stop this conversation as we both know we're this was heading. She did't stop. I asked again and satt down with her and asked if we could agree that she and I was started to get irritated and this would not be a helpful conversation. She somewhat agreed but didn't stop. Said I'm not going to continue having this conversation but we could pick it up when we were calm. She did't stop and went more accusing and blamed me of all sort of things.

I left for the bedroom and asked to be alone. She continued and I got irritated too, said that's she needs help and I can't do this anymore but not in a angry tone but it wasn't with a peaceful mind neither. She takes some furniture out of the bedroom went a bit "crazy" in my view, she had been drinking some wine and this does it's part in her mood off curse. (Alcohol can make her very nasty if with just hurtful comments)

We did't talk much next morning but I was polite and so was she.
She texted me later and said she was sorry if she was abit hard yesterday and suggested the we should go and talk to family consoling. I answered that we can do that.

In my understanding it was about how help our relationship or help with splitting up and handle the breakup and decide what would be best for the kids. But I thought it was good. The thing is this is not the first time and when things get better it's not on the table. It feels like a pull move, but I can't be sure I honestly don't know if she has BPD or tendencies like it. I don't want put a diagnosis on her from what I read about it. But she is showing a lot and I mean a lot of signs against it from what I read and understand.

To day when I got home she was overly happy and was pretending to laugh and have good time with the kids. After we put the kids to sleep I asked her if she wanted to talk. She said about what? I explained that the fight we had yesterday effects me and makes me sad and hurt. And I asked her how she feels about it? I asked if she gets affected by it and asked if she if protecting herself by trying not to show emotions. Told her that it's okey if she does't get affected by it but I just want her to try to be open with me. She said well it doesn't make her happy but what should I do about it.
She then started the conversation we had yesterday again irritated. I told her that was not what I was asking just to clear things out. She did calm down, I asked her about the texts she sent. And told her how I was interpreting it. That I know how hard it can be for her to  apologize and I interpreted it as her way of saying sorry and if so I appreciate it. Then asked what she wanted to get out of seeing family therapist? She showed me the email she sent for the appointment. That we need help in our relationship or help separating. I felt that I should't push her about the subject and left it there. We had small talk about ordinary things and watched tv together having a respectful time.

Questions

Is it correct of me to try to make her open up?

Can I expect her to have feelings that I would say would be normal, like getting affected by a fight or post breakup?

I told her clearly that I get very hurt and sad from what was said yesterday and the situation in our relationship. Is this something that triggers her that "she got to me thoughts" I don't want to hide my feelings and don't think I'm able to do anyways.

Any other thoughts?

I did try in my best ways to describe exactly what happened, I know it's long. Please provide feedback if I should write in another way.

How have you all been doing to day?