Do they hate it when their adult child is taking control of their life?

[bunnyrabit]

Is it possible they hate it when their adult child is taking control of their life?

My father, who I suspect to be NPD, is now not speaking to me anymore. The last time I saw him at a family gathering he largely ignored me and when I tried to talk to him he told me to get lost. I hear from my mother that he wants to disown me and all this for the reason that I'm not grateful enough, whatever that may mean.

He never liked me but I was always ok with that because I thought of myself as a failure too. But now things have changed dramatically for the better. I have a real job with real career opportunities, a company car and the best paycheck I ever had in my life. I am completely sober, I have my own place to live, my finances under control and no toxic relationships. And all of this not by accident but by putting years of hard work in myself and my studies.

But when I try to tell him about this he doesn't even listen and he seems more disgusted with me then ever. I mean, it's not even not liking me anymore, it's pure hate.

So my question is, is this common for a BPD/NPD parent to hate it when their adult child is recovering and growing strong or... .am I in the wrong here and is he just a normal parent who has the right to be angry with me since I was I f**k up for so many years? I really don't know no more and I have no one to talk to about this so any input would be greatly appreciated.

[Turkish]

Hey,  first of all,  congratulations on taking control of your life and making things better. 

It's it possible that who he really hates is himself? A narcissistic at their core feels inadequate,  and the narcissistic veneer is just that,  a facade,  though a very strong facade.

My mother doesn't have a narcissistic bone in her body,  but she was unable to appreciate that I've done ok  (I think she wanted me to follow her into the nursing field, among other things). On occasion,  she'd pay me compliments, unlike your dad.  A few years ago,  however,  she came up to me on my home while visiting. As if she weren't in a home I'd bought in one of the most expensive areas in the USA, and as if I didn't have two babies to take care of,  me being the main provider,  she suggested I go back to school,  nursing. The tone was as if I was going nowhere.  I pulled up a spreadsheet, showed her my retirement account balance,  and said,  "I think I'm doing OK." Her jaw dropped open and she didn't say more (I have a similar story with my ex,  but that's for another board).

It killed me that into my 40s I still felt like I had to justify myself to her.  I'd never tell my mother to shut up,  but that was my way of doing it all the same. 

I think it came down to the fact that I never took her guidance when I graduated high school.  Thankfully, others stepped in to fill that lack.  Though it's natural for a parent to want the best for a child, and mentor them as well,  I took my mom's attitude as being more about her then me.  I think I started to feel this way at 17 (when I graduated hs), and events over the years only led me to fully develop this sense. 

So if you're dad's reactions are more about him than you,  and you don't have to believe me as I'm theorizing,  what do you do with that?

[Highlander]

Hi Bunnyrabit,

My MIL has uBPD & NPD and my FIL has uNPD.  My DH didn't survive his upbringing without contracting BPD.

So since he met me, DH was diagnosed and recovered from BPD, has stayed off the hard drugs (was a user for 11 years - up until a few months before I met him) and he has his own home.

He is now the healthiest he has ever been in his life but mostly the happiest. 

Except one Uncle, all of his FOO have stopped talking to him centered on his parents lies and scapegoating. It's like they used to thrive on DH relying on them at times.  When he did, there were always conditions attached, now he doesn't need to fall back on them, they can't manipulate him thus the relationship dynamics changed and they didn't like that. 

[Notwendy]

Congratulations and keep up the good work.

I agree with Turkish- the inner sense of self is what they project on to others.

It may also be that he in some ways envies your success.

It may also be the change in family roles. If you have been the scapegoat of the family, then your success changes the family dynamics. Dysfunctional parents may focus on the "problem child" instead of their own issues, but feel uncomfortable when the focus changes.

It could be that by getting control of your life, being sober, you have better boundaries and that makes them uncomfortable.

I've been "disowned" and also have family members on my BPD mother's side who have decided not to speak to me, for reasons I don't fully understand- I haven't done anything to be mean to them.  I have reasons to believe she painted me black to them and told them not to speak to me. My mother goes back and forth from me being the worst adult child to telling me I'm wonderful. These are the two extremes of thinking. I'm probably somewhere in the middle

Thankfully, I didn't do a whole lot to be my parents' "problem child" but I was the black child in the family and it didn't take much for them to be angry at me. It's when I decided to work on my own co-dependency through 12 steps and ACA groups that they didn't like the changes.

But the changes are for good- and so keep up the good work.

[Basenji]

So my question is, is this common for a BPD/NPD parent to hate it when their adult child is recovering and growing strong

It sounds like you have done an amazing job putting a productive and happy life together! Most excellent!

I had a BPD mother and a subclinical sociopathic father.

IMHO the answer to your question is different depending on whether your parent is BPD or NPD / subclinical sociopathic.

The borderline is focused on self, on martyrdom, a fear of abandonment, so whatever you may or may not do, the borderline will internalise as a byproduct of their intense emotional dysfunction.

The narcissist or sociopath is the complete opposite - their reality is predicated on the absence of emotion / empathy and a sense of superiority since others (non narcissistic or sociopathic) are shackled to their perceived deadweight of irrelevant emotional responses, which they regards an incipient weakness.

In my personal experience, recovery from a BPD parent has meant detachment (non contact). No doubt this has caused intense negative emotion on the part of my mother (who abused me as a child).

On the other hand, finding my "adult voice" might have been very begrudgingly respected by my sociopathic father (who divorced my mother when was about 7 years old old), but resulted in a beyond the grave punishment of a substantial disinheritance to the tune of about $1 million.

I have no regrets - I would pursue my goal of recovery regardless of either a BPD or NPD response.

My path to recovery has impacted my relationship with both a borderline parent and a sociopathic one.

I'm not claiming my experiences applies in your case - that said, you may have to accept some change in your relationships is inevitable as you find your path to recovery and strength.

Whether you make the changes you need to heal yourself regardless of these impacts on your borderline or NPD or seek to lessen any negative impact is a matter of personal choice.