Ready to blow but keeping the lid on

[Lollypop]

 

Radical acceptance that we can't change others, only ourselves and how we react,

Its long drawn out saga that comes with each and every sad story. It's all part of the BPD territory. It's complex, devastating and full of grief. Ultimately, it comes down to improving our own skills, confidence, boundaries and living our own lives.

I could do with working on the tools but I don't want to. Im tired. Importantly, I may have wandered into indifference and that's not good. Radical acceptance is where I'm at.

My DS26 is an addict, he has no intention of even reducing, he doesn't appear to be committed to therapy. He bumbles around with money and only manages because he isn't paying tax or market rate rent.

We know we cannot continue to enable him and his choices. Hes got himself off Valium and sees himself as "I've done so well, I'm doing great". His stability is tenuous. He is functioning but only just. His life revolves around skunk and it's a costly habit. There's always a reason or an excuse why he can't do something. His feet firmly stuck in the ground, no being his favourite answer, avoidance, reluctance. It's infuriating.

Don't get me wrong, as a family we've come a very long way. We have a much better relationship because of the skills I've learnt here. We are happier, despite the problems. My DS has improved so much and I don't forget that. We love him and will be there to emotionally support him.

I need to enforce boundaries and limits. I'm avoiding it. Why? To be honest, I think I may have given up. My own twisty manipulative mind gives this as an answer but the truth is I don't have the guts or the backbone or the will. This will remain until my suffering gets too much or there's yet another crisis.

I'm taking my own advice and taking real care of myself. Enjoying my life as best I can. I'm avoiding a challenging conversation that has to happen. We are at stalemate and will remain so until I make a move.

I ready to blow up and just keeping the lid on. With his super sonic super power senses he knows there's something bubbling!

Take good care of yourselves everybody.

LP

Ps. Reminder to myself : google "how to grow a backbone"

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi LP 

I hear and feel your frustration, you are tired which is of no surprise to anyone here after all the hard work you've invested and great changes you have made these past couple of years. It's ok to have 'time out, rest bite', can you give yourself permission to do so while the therapist continues to tackle the King of Avoidance (DD's therapist told her she is the Queen of Avoidance). We have Kings and we have Queens.

Or ... .if you can muster the energy can you share with us the challenging conversation you are avoiding, what does it look like LP?

It's better out than in and this is a safe space to have that a blow out, if you feel up for it. I call it me getting unstuck.

WDx   

Edit: PS - our kids are so perceptive to our feelings, aren't they? PPS Thanks for the shout out, I found your backbone on google, she's on e-bay of all things  , she says she's on vacation, on the waters painting across the ocean in Florida! She'll be back and is waiting patiently for you to put your legendary big boots back on, bless her About to pull my socks up which is pretty impossible when it's summer and I'm not wearing them 

[beady]

I think we all hit a wall at some point. You can only deal with these issues while you have the will and energy. When you run out of both, and the 'glass' can only hold a certain amount, you need to step back and recoup... .rejuvenate, until you are ready to go at it again. No one can say that you haven't tried, done your absolute best, to help your son. Take time for yourself. Everyone else around, as well as yourself, will thank you.

[MomMae]

Hi Lollypop,

I am so sorry for how hard it is to deal with this illness.  You have gone above and beyond for your son.  I so understand that tired (exhausted!) feeling.  Physically, mentally, emotionally tired. 

Our biggest obligation in life should be to ourselves... .  I know it is hard, if not impossible, for us moms to do that.  I feel a hypocrite just saying it, as it is something I have yet to actualize myself even though I do believe it to be the truth.  I hope you can take time to put yourself first, Lollypop.

I wish you peace of mind.  You are the best mother your son could ask for. 

MomMae 

[Rockieplace]

Oh my dearest dear!  I hear your pain.  It feels so unfair that our hardest efforts and energy meet with such a weak response.  I have been there so often.  Everything about this mental illness is frustrating, counter-intuitive and a lot of other things (expletives deleted!).  Take time out, try to live your life outside of this horrible conundrum and then, when you are ready, get your fists up, ready to fight another day.  Your love for your son shines bright.  You are an inspiration.  Your son is so, so lucky to have you.  Maybe one day he will realize it.

   

[Rockieplace]

I meant to add that you are also dealing with a very strong addiction.  This makes it so much harder to deal with.  Maybe zero tolerance is the only answer!  But then, what do I know?   

[Huat]

Hello Lollypop!

In the time I have participated on this forum I have read your posts and have given my head a shake so many times.  You've been to hell and back... .like so many of us... .you are "weathered."  

Reading the responses you are getting from your recent post is heart-warming.  :)on't we all want/need to be validated... .and you are getting that here.  It is dicey to give anyone advice  because we really don't walk in their shoes... .but we can listen (read) and be sounding boards, letting that person work out what they feel is best for themselves.

I've used the term "roller coaster ride" a few times in my postings and living with a child (or other loved one) with BPD (or any other kind of mental illness) is indeed that.  First and foremost for us Moms is that they are our children... .our babies. You, Lollypop, DO have a backbone... .it is just that darned umbilical cord.  It is never really severed, is it?  

It is hard to draw that line in the sand if, in knowing when we do so, there is a chance we may lose them... .one way or another.  I guess that is the definition of "tough love"... .a love that is needed when dealing with our "special children."

After many, many years of escalating verbal abuse from our daughter, we have drawn that line-in-the-sand and it cannot/will not (!) be erased.   Our next meeting has to be in a counsellor's office.  She is adamant that will never happen (reality too much for her to handle?) so we may never have a relationship with her again.  I feel sad for us... .but I feel even sadder for her.  I admit, though, to being mad at her... .really mad!  That gives me strength to carry on with what I know has to be done.

I write at times with bravado but every now and then the ground beneath me shakes.  I have to keep reminding myself that, because of our advancing age and the frailness that comes with it, this has to be done... .now.  On with life... .and life is what you make it!

So, Lollypop, you talk-the-talk and you DO walk-the-walk.  "Radical acceptance that we can't change others, only ourselves and how we react."  A quote from you... .and ain't that the truth!  Any change that you make in your script leaves no choice but for the others in your life to change theirs.  Think of it... .that's power!

Whatever steps you might decide to take, Lollypop, I'm sure will be well-thought-out.  Look in the mirror and smile at that beautiful but battle-scarred person you see.  Give her a pep-talk.  She has been through a lot and she really is so much stronger because of it.  She needs a hug... .and here is one (--) from me.   ; ))

 

[Lollypop]

Thank you, each and everyone. I forgot the power of being fully validated. I do indeed feel better.

Big girly boots are at least now put in the front of the cupboard waiting.

Yesterday I fleetingly thought about WDs suggestion. What does my conversation with my DS look like. I immediately realised that there are two versions. One version that I want to say that is just an expletive rant.

The other takes effort and planning and timing. I just don't have the energy.

Rant. I'm doubting whether I can post this and feel I may get into trouble as it's just so very negative,

"Have you even noticed that your Dad cut the hedge yesterday? He stopped his work and cut it because he knew I was sick and tired waiting for you. It's been four months, xxxxing FOUR months and you knew I couldn't walk at the side of the house with out getting wet. Despite polite reminders and gentle nudges plus the very obvious 13ft hedge, what are you xxxxing blind? I even sent you that text five weeks ago and told you quite clearly, get your xxxx into xxxxing gear and get it done. You know that I can't afford to pay to get it done. I know you're unwell, I know you're feeling anxious AGAIN! But stuff still has to get done. Life has to go on. You're a tree surgeon for xxxxt's sake! I told you last year that I was never, ever going to cut that hedge again. I've two strong young and fit men in this house and I just can't physically do it. We've bent over backwards for you recently. You call me on your way to get your training assessment about your car breaking down and I give up a whole day driving you to Wiltshire so you could attend. We helped you try and get your car running. When you need xxxxing help you think you can just call up and we come running. Clearly, when it's me needing help you just don't give a xxxx. Dad gave up his Saturday for you to deal with the car collection while you worked. You know the police would charge you for removing it. He was doing you a favour.  You're so inconsiderate and selfish because you won't do anything at all for us. I can't quite believe your audacity to ask me for £2.50 because you went to buy some bread when we've done all this and also lent you £300 so that you could replace your car. We even took you over there so you sort it out. And you come to me a day late with your rent and then you deduct xxxxing £2.50 because you bought some bread? Unxxxxing believable. You've got a nerve and I've had it with you. It's time you left and tried to make it in your own. I want you to pay me what you owe and sort out your living arrangements. I've had enough of you and your behaviour. After all we've done and you treat us like xxxx. You're a selfish xxxxxxx and I want you to xxxx right off and leave me alone. I'm sick to death of you skulking around, you doing barely nothing in the house to help, whoever you go there's a trail of mess and dirt. Good luck to your old xxxx buddy in coping with you, maybe she can sort you out. I certainly can't. You've even lapsed on your therapy which I was XXXXing paying for. You simply don't want to get yourself well. You don't ever want to get off drugs, you just want to do the bare minimum. You constantly whinge and moan about your anxiety and don't listen - let me tell you again THAT XXXXING SKUNK IS CAUSING IT!  CAN YOU HEAR ME? It's really time you left.

There, it's out.

Polite reminder to oneself: we are all trying our very best, we can all try a little harder. That phrase makes me feel sick.

I've allowed myself to get to this point because I've left my DS to live his own life while he walked all over mine.

I'm done with it.

Thanks for reading. I apologise for the content.

Huat: I wish you were my mum ❤️

Have a great day everybody. I'm exploring collage.

LP

[Rockieplace]

Oh - thank goodness!  I was beginning to wonder if you were actually human and now I know you are.   Happy collaging!   

[MomMae]

oh, Lollypop, I am so glad you wrote out that rant that I am sure so many of us on here can totally relate to!  I feel your frustration as it totally echoes mine with my DD20.  All of us doing so very much for her, all of the time, and her giving nothing in return.  I don't understand it.  How can people surrounded by so much love, help and compassion not be at least a tiny bit grateful... . 

This is a terrible illness to deal with.  We have to be patient and understanding yes, but we are human too.  I have a quote on my fridge that says ":)on't take people for granted. No matter how much they love you, people get tired eventually."  Ain't that the truth? 

I hope you have a better day today.  MM 

[Huat]

The saying, "Laughter is the best medicine" holds true.  It is a release of tension... .a re-fuelling of the spirit.  Sadly, under difficult circumstances, that "medicine" is sometimes next to impossible to find.

With all that said, reading Lollypop's "rant" unearthed a smile for me... .then a chuckle.

Now... .on with life!  Go, Girl!  ; ))

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

Big hugs to you LP and guess what ... .You fully deserve to rant ! I want to shout and scream obscenities ,  name call and call my DD out for so many things, it actually drives me nuts to hold it all in , and it's actually not healthy . I think I mentioned this is in another thread but when i need to rant , I do it in the car while driving ! Yep ! I'm sitting behind the wheel and I literally have the whole conversation out there , shouting it ! Everything I REALLY want to say gets spewed out , and I'll have music blasting while I'm doing it too ! It's a right rammy going on in my car ! But I always feel better for just getting it out there . Even though I'm sure I must look absolutely bonkers to the other road users as I tend to rant with my hands too !

[SAAT]

Hi Lollipop,
Thank you for your RANT. I found it incredibly therapeutic to read. I although the details different I feel exactly the same about my daughter 26 DD however I never say it to her... .one positive of this illness is I have developed amazing self-control and patience. However maybe we should be more honest? Are we pampering our children too much? I am currently in Bali and I can feel my outlook changing. The young adults working in our hotel and as our drivers are charming, capable Support their families and work 10 hour days without complaint. I am aware not everything is always as it seems but my daughter CANNOT hold a job for more than a few months and is SO negative about it everything it wears me
Down. These young people have nothing yet get so much from their families etc. this anger and frustration I feel has made me determined not
To let my DD26 ruin this holiday for me as she normally does. Lollipop I liked your RANT idea and might try it tonight to get my frustrations out!

[Lollypop]

Saat:
My DS told me after he went to Thailand and seeing life there that when he was little and fell over I should have just told him to get up, not pander to him. His words not mine.

My DS has limitations and daily challenges. I don't regret one single day of the last 20 months. Focussing on our relationship and slowly getting him to learn how to manage his finances has worked for us. I do not give him any money. As he's now working regularly (because he has to) I know that he's capable of repaying small loans (this is part of me teaching, him learning to manage his money). This has brought confidence to all of us. Of course, if he needed money he should get a loan - I maybe should have stepped back and said "your problem". What parent doesn't give a hand up (as long as it's not a hand out)?

My Mantra has been "everything he should do himself, he should do himself". This is truth but I've needed to be flexible at times depending on what's going on. I honestly don't believe we'd be where we are without me trying to balance support/patience.

I've stood back and let him live, providing emotional support. I manipulated/manoeuvred him into therapy in the hope with an external influence he'd see the light about his drug use. It hasn't worked, unsurprisingly. The fact is the only thing that sticks is if he decides on something. He needed me to stop giving him money.

He needs me to get him to live independently. He doesn't want it. There's always a good reason not to (this time it's because it'll take him 5 weeks to clear the debt and he then wants to buy a new saw and that will take him another month at least. At that point, practically, he'll have achieved his own goals. I can predict though that by that time he'll have another challenge that's thrown him into a depressive or anxious period. There's never a right time. By delaying, I'm just keeping him in this state of dependency.

It's time I stood firm and took action. There's my h to deal with though as he's full of internal conflict.

Thanks everybody for your kindness and wisdom.

I look forward to reading the rants. Yep's idea is great though! I didn't have fun writing mine, it came with tears!

Onwards we go. Take very good care of yourselves, that should be our main priority always. I forgot that.

Hugs

LP

[Lollypop]

WD

ideas

"You're doing so great and I feel it's time to talk about a plan for you to find yourself your own place to live. I understand that this may cause you anxieties but we can work through it together. You won't regret this step once it's been made and, at nearly 27, it's time for you to try your next step. Think about what I've said over the next few days and we'll talk again next week. Always remember we love you and are here for you for guidance and emotional support whenever you need it".

Comments please.

LP

[Huat]

Hello again, Lollypop:

Only you know your situation, but to me that sure sounds like a good conversation to have with your... .27-year-old son. You are displaying no anger.  You are validating the work he has done to help himself and you are showing confidence in his ability to continue that work.  You are not abandoning him.

Think about it.  You and your husband are not going to be around forever.  One way or another, at some point in time, your son is going to be on his own.  Fact!  Right now life has you in the position where you are young enough and have the energy to help him with this transition.

My husband and I are soon to celebrate our 55th Wedding Anniversary and sometimes I wonder how we made it this far because many, many times we just were not on the same page when it came to dealing with our children.  They would sense that and often would try to work that to their advantage (GRRRRRR!).  Not healthy family dynamics for sure!

I wish you well, Lollypop!  For some parents it seems to be an effortless job to get their "fledglings" out of the nest and flying on their own.  Not so with us other parents, huh?  (Sigh!)

[wendydarling]

Hey there LP

I'm on catch up ... .been a bit distracted myself (in a non BPD way).

WD

ideas

"You're doing so great and I feel it's time to talk about a plan for you to find yourself your own place to live. I understand that this may cause you anxieties but we can work through it together. You won't regret this step once it's been made and, at nearly 27, it's time for you to try your next step. Think about what I've said over the next few days and we'll talk again next week. Always remember we love you and are here for you for guidance and emotional support whenever you need it".

Comments please.

LP

This is great LP, it's reassuring, loving and honest - it's centred and places the responsibility with your  DS.

You mention earlier DS and therapy - what's happening there LP?

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

Thanks for the feedback. I've been away so haven't yet spoken to DS, I will though.

The therapist went away on holiday for 1 session, DS had a course then the following week car trouble. Fourth week there was an email interchange and DS didn't like her tone as she questioned his commitment. She said she couldn't hold his weekly session time any longer and when (if) he was was ready to contact her and rearrange.

So last week was missed  and he is working all this week.  He's did 5, missed 5.

Thevtherapy isn't talking therapy so he doesn't work on issues. Somatic experiencing is about the body, nervous system and the way the body deals with anxiety. I don't know more than that because he kept the content of the sessions to himself apart from his 2nd appointment and we talked briefly.

LP

[wendydarling]

WD

ideas

"You're doing so great and I feel it's time to talk about a plan for you to find yourself your own place to live. I understand that this may cause you anxieties but we can work through it together. You won't regret this step once it's been made and, at nearly 27, it's time for you to try your next step. Think about what I've said over the next few days and we'll talk again next week. Always remember we love you and are here for you for guidance and emotional support whenever you need it".

Comments please.

LP

Forgot to say  this is SET statement, supportive, empathic and your truth, it takes a lot of effort to work this through (first version a blooming good vent LP).

Therapy, routine is key, of course T's take hols like everyone, sounds like the T is reaching out for your DS to commit to a certain time that falls outside his work commitments (excuses) and making him responsible, as they do.

I'm wondering what your forward plan is today, what's your priority at this point.  You've worked so hard to get you DS into therapy he's yet to commit weekly - find the time that works outside his work time and take responsibility.

If you take your eye off therapy to moving out to his own place, he may jump out of therapy, very willingly - how would that sit with you?

Interested to hear from parents here, please chime in. 

WDx

[Feeling Better]

Hi Lollypop

I loved reading your rant and I could definitely relate to it myself, and I'm sure most other parents on here could too.

You are so caring and in tune to your son's needs, he is so lucky to have you there for him

I personally think that WD has a very good point here regarding your priorities, difficult as it will be for you. At least while your DS is in the family home you will still have some sort of control in his life but once he's left, who knows?

I wish you all the best, trust in your instincts and go with your guts x

[Lollypop]

Hi

He is putting his financial obligations above therapy. I don't believe he's given up on therapy but I believe it's now one of the long list of things he wants to do but never will,

This situation has been caused by me by the rent increase, loan of £300 so he could get a replacement car so he could continue working and a £200 car insurance payment due today. I see his struggle but will not offer a suggestion to resolve his problem. I delayed the rent increase and asked for a weekly repayment of £50 (plus his rent). This is a lesson that needs to be learnt through better problem solving and alternative proposals by him.

His stress is further exacerbated due to relationships with two women. Not my business. His problem.

I'm holding tight. This will pass. He will look back on this 6 weeks and feel good about his financial skill.  The relationship situation will eventually end but I predict at least months of high stress. Therapy would be beneficial!

As a wider view, I know that we are hindering his personal growth by him remaining at home indefinitely.

There's only so much we can do.

I'm getting more confident thanks to this forum.

Thank you all.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

At least while your DS is in the family home you will still have some sort of control in his life but once he's left, who knows?

There's no control - he's 27 and a man, the only thing I can do is have better boundaries and limits for myself, not him.

There may be influence and this comes with having a good relationship with my DS. It's my belief that focussing on the relationship (and not resolving his problems) is the only way forwards. 

I've tried nudging and guiding. This is in between considerable periods of anxieties. I'd manoeuvred him to therapy. He can still go to therapy and we will pay but this is his decision.

I'm finally accepting that I can't change him, only he can. There has to be a motivation to change and this current situation we are in hasn't worked. When an approach isn't working then change it, that's what I need to do.

LP

[Lollypop]

Can't believe I'm writing this.  DS has announced his intention to move out as soon as he gets enough money together. Should take him 6-8 weeks.

I didn't have to have the conversation, he announced "I've some exciting news".

Fingers crossed, legs crossed, arms crossed,   

[Feeling Better]

Hi Lollypop

What good news, I'm really pleased for you and sincerely hope all goes well.

Regarding my previous post I would just like to ask that you excuse my use of the word 'control', it was a very bad choice of word on my part. I most definitely do not advocate the practice of one person having control over another. I should have taken more time and thought a little harder about the correct word to use. I can see I still have a long way to go with my communication skills, it will be a long and bumpy road but I am determined to get there in the end. I wish you all the best x

[Lollypop]

Hi feeling better

Gosh, no apologies needed!  You posted and shared your thoughts; you cared enough and that's what's amazing.

Here we are, most probably on the other side of the world from each other reaching out. It really is the most wondrous thing.

My DS will leave home and he's going to falter, he may go no contact, he may do something very stupid, All this is in the future and all we have is today, I refuse to live my life in fear (well, today any way!).

Lets not beat ourselves up, let's do the opposite by being better friends to ourselves. We deserve it.

Thank you for being here.

LP

[wendydarling]

Wowww  LP I had to read that twice, what brilliant news, breakthrough  , DS announcing his exciting news he moving out ... .you are on the same waive length even if it was not obvious.

He's motivated!

Pleased as punch for you LP, doing a little jig.

Onwards we go 

WDx

[incadove]

Good for you Lollypop!  You are winning the long game!

Thinking good thoughts for his and your success :-) 

[Huat]

Hello Lollypop:

Stay strong, Girl!  You've done well by your son.  No guilt!  One way or another, at some point in time he is going to be out on his own... .best it happens now... .and how wonderful it is HIM who has set the wheels in motion.  Now you just have to keep those wheels moving in that direction.

Hugs to you!  ; )) 

[Lollypop]

Hi

Very timely Incadove and Huat.  Thanks everybody for your thoughtfulness and support. I'm angry.

So, he still plans on going. Yippee.

Latest announcement made today by DS. When he's in his new place he's going to be different, he won't have to smoke as much weed living in a different environment, an environment that isn't full of animosity about his choice to smoke weed. Didn't I know that he only smokes as much as he does because of how I reacted 15 years ago that has set that pattern of behaviour up in his brain?

Yes, of course! ITS ALL MY FAULT!

Yes, you calculated right. I was such a bad parent that apparently I objected to my 11 year old smoking weed. My DS's memory fails him yet again, I didn't know until he was 15.

I'm hopping mad, I didn't have a great conversation with him. He was high so there was no point. I've forgotten to use SET, validation etc.

I OFFICIALLY GIVE UP TODAY.

It's like I've been living in a different reality these last 20 months.

I'm done. I'm on count down.

LP

[incadove]

You go, girl!

Moving out is probably the best thing for him, as well as you, so its great that he's still planning on it.  When my dd's where about to move out there was a lot of sort of rejection and distancing, my friend who is a teacher said it happens a lot with her kids from difficult homes, that when they are about to end the school year they act out a lot more.  Like they have to reject first, so they aren't hurt by the separation. 

Not that that helps when you are getting grief after providing 27  years of support!  With my dd's moving out helped them get some perspective, one is now very principled, kind and thoughtful and just lets me know when she's feeling overwhelmed and anxious and doesn't feel up to getting together.  The other still only calls or seems to get texts when she wants something, and over time that is damaging her relationship with both my husband and myself.  I'm trying to hold her to account gently by being direct but offering support, maybe I need to read up on the tools.

But anyway once he's out for about 3-4 months and dealing with the reality of life, just maybe he will start to appreciate! 

And if not (or even if so), there are a lot of other kids out there in foster homes, group homes, schools that need support.  I do a lot of volunteering when I can find the time.  It helps me a lot, and the kids seem to appreciate it.

Let the count down continue! :-)