Help: deceipher the ultimatum

[ANewPlace30]

Anyone else feel like they need to play their relationship like a game of chess? Bloody exhausting to try and stay moves ahead of upwBD

Anyway, current state of play:

+ Lots of arguments over one issue, I believe caused by her anxiety & insecurity
+ Im not doing what she wants, enough  , to make her feel 'secure'
+ This is turning into a bit of a cycle, she's suggesting couples counselling.
+ I refused therepy as a couple (been there, got the scars)
+ The ultimatum that if I don't do what she wants, more often, then well go to couples therapy.

I want her to seek independent therepy for her abandonment/anxiety based issues, but I've long since given up hope/asking.

If I do what she wants she will be temporarily satisfied and move onto the next thing to worry about and blame me for. If I don't do what she wants, we continue arguing about it and end up in therepy. Check mate to her.

Discuss... .

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[LuvAlways]

I think you are only playing chess if you want to.  By the looks of it, It sounds like you are making a decision about your next play based on the play she makes.  Have you given thought to playing solitaire?  What is the next best play for you?  Playing it like chess is very difficult for me living with a pwBPD.  Because her slanted reality may deliver a move I never expected.  They won't play rationally every time.  But If I play solitaire then I am making the moves that are best for me based on how the situation is laid out.  And remember... .Some of the cards are hidden, so I don't have the whole story in front of me.  There is always risk.

That said.  I here ya, brother!  I wouldn't go directly to the ultimatum tester, and say, "fine, I am doing what I am OK with and I'm not going to counseling either.  (Unless you are interested in seeing what an atom bomb does up close... .)  I am saying that you might try finding the middle ground.  individual therapy to start.  prioritizing her wants in your own mind and sharing the things you are capable of doing for her.  Some things can be done but in a different order, or at a time which will fit your schedule.  My BPDw packs her bags to "leave" as often as two or three times a week.  When things are going better, it my be once a week or once every other.  But in 8 months she has packed up to leave me, forty  or fifty times.  So far she has never left.  I don't try to second guess why she doesn't leave, and I ask her, "where are you headed" each time.  I am met with the usual, "It's none of your business!" answer.  While everyone is different, I have learned that chances are, she won't make the chess move she is telling me she is going to make.  What she is really saying is that she is hurting, and wants help.  And probably feels like she needs more help than I can give, partly because I am her nemesis.  I am her target for all her problems right now.

You sound like you truly love your partner.  And you truly want the best.  We are learning new skills to effectivily live with the ones we love.  Good luck!

[LuvAlways]

BTW... .I recognize the controlling behavior she is displaying as well.  (Do more of what I want or off the therapy we go.)

If you can be empathetic and let her know, "these are the things I can do for you/help you with.  And these are the things I am going to working on for me."  Then maybe it's not check mate yet.

Again, Good luck!

[Hmcbart]

I too have been playing chess with my wife.  I'm always trying to think of the consequences of my next move and the next 6 after that.  It is very tiring trying to constantly think like this.  I have never thought of it the way Luvakways put it. Why play chess at all and play solitaire instead.  While I like the idea of changing the game, I have 22 years of playing chess with her.  I don't know how to start a different game.  I'm currently in therapy for myself and I have been trying to figure out ways to focus on self care but continue to fall back into the same cycle.  We are also in MC but I'm not sure how much longer it will last.  She is now starting to devalue our therapist along with several veiled accusations and jealous type statements.  She hasn't come out and accused me of it but I think she thinks I'm having a personal relationship with our therapist that she selected.  It took 6 months but the therapist has started to finally see her behaviors as I do and she's being called out for it in our sessions.  She doesn't like it when she can't place all the blame on me.

But I digress, how do you switch games after years of doing it the same way?  Even though I know it hasn't worked, it's still difficult to change when you're so enmeshed. 

[LuvAlways]

I'm still new at this, but after learning some traits about BPD, like the Black and white concept where the pwBPD sees everything b/w with no grey, and the behavior of projection, I have realized that the reality my wife sees is not always the same reality for many us that are coping.  She often remembers things differently than they happened (at least based on my recollection).

So after playing chess with her for years, attempting to plan out my interaction with her (playing chess), I started making time for the things I want to do.  (playing solitaire)  I am finding time to spend with friends once in a while,  I am learning to empathize and validate, without validating the invalid, and being respectful in my delivery.  These are things, This site and BPD Central have many articles on and have shown me clear methods of dealing with my BPDw.

It felt like I was banging my head on a brick wall expecting a new outcome each time.  Now I try to give loving statements and short answers.  I do what I can, and I stopped kicking myself for those things that are just too much for me to handle.  But Solitaire is about me taking care of me.  Chess is about fighting an opponent that I can't predict. 

I hope this helps.  I am no where near a "good place" in my life.  But it feels like I've startede a journey.  And no, it hasn't been what I envisioned,  But each new hand of Solitaire reveals a new set of cards.  good luck to us all, as we search.  Hang in there!