Is she looking for a reaction and what should my reaction be

[Kelbel]

My partner (who has not been diagnosed with BPD but who I now realise has many traits) moved out of our bedroom 7 weeks ago and has not had a real conversation, and has barely made eye contact, with me since. Last night I noticed she had ‘de-friended’ me on Facebook. I wondered whether she was looking for a reaction (usually after something like that I would address it with her) and I decided not to react. This morning, crying, she told me ‘I’m just giving you the heads up that I’m thinking of moving to Australia’ (we live in the British Isles, so it’s about as far away as she can get; though she has, in calmer times, talked about wanting to move there before). I knew I shouldn’t react but did and asked her ‘does that mean we have split up then?’ (in the midst of an argument a few weeks ago, when I was trying to push her to speak to me, she had said it was over), and she confirmed it did. I replied, again, that she had said that many times before and not meant it and that, though she believes this time is different, it isn’t. I then immediately left for work. While there is a part of me that wonders if she means it, I think this is more likely to be something else. She may be looking for an emotional reaction from me (which is what she would usually get). She may be looking for a way out of our current situation (her not speaking to me) and needs me to deal with it by becoming emotional and upset, as I usually would. I asked her last week if there was any part of her that wanted this situation to stop and if she simply didn’t know how to do it, and she denied that this was the case, but I don’t think that just because she says it that it’s necessarily true.

I’m determined that our unhealthy patterns will change, and that when this episode is over we will address our issues (my partner’s difficulty managing her emotions and my reactions to that) together. I’m not sure what, if anything, to do now.

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi Kelbel,

we can only change ourselves, mate, so forgive me for talking about what you do.

It seems to me you are reacting to judgements, and not facts. The antidote to judge is to describe and stop there:

- Fact: she's not talking to you. Judgement: She's not talking to you because she expects a reaction from you.

I'm not saying your judgement is wrong, but it is not what you should react to. She's not talking to you, what do you want? You want her to talk to you. This will lead you to something.

"I think she wants a reaction and it's not what I'm gonna give her" This won't lead you anywhere good.

7 weeks give space to a lot of judgement, I'm not blaming you, it's only human. We can't stop the judgements, but we can think and decide, if this is a judgement, I'm not gonna react on that, I'm going back to the facts. Not easy at all, but we can hope to learn.

When you say ":)oes that mean that we have split up then?" She understands, probably: "I'm giving him the chance to say that he cares, and instead he speaks about splitting up, so he must want that". I think you are safer if you don't try to guess what she means, and least of all say it to her.

It is good that you say to yourself "she doesn't mean it" when she says you are done. So you can keep your cool. But, she does mean it in the moment. And it is very invalidating if you go and say "you don't mean it". And then you go and invalidate more "even if you believe it, it isn't". You know you are talking about just a thing she said, but she feels it as her whole person. She hears "you are not valid".

You might be right, but you need to wait for her to regulate herself before she can believe you. When you invalidate her while she is disregulated, it only leads to more pain and disregulation.

It is great that you can work on controling your emotions and not get emotional and upset. She needs a month of practice to achieve the level of control that you can learn in a day. Remember you want both of you to get to the goal line at the same time, you can't go running while she goes dragging herself. That would only discourage her. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

You can say "I'm trying my best not to react emotionaly, but I really would like it if we talked, I miss you, I don't like when we are apart", and let those words sink, maybe she answers 2 days later. Maybe before answering sincerely, she says something unkind, because emotion makes her extremelly uncomfortable.

It is true that we have to break unhealthy cycles, but we have to substitute them for new skills and purposeful tools, not for improvising.

I'm sorry for being harsh (One day they're gonna kick me out for being grumpy), we all do our best, and it's just human and logic, and we usually don't have people on our own boat rowing in opposite direction (as it often feels with a pwBPD). If we are to achieve something good, we need to learn some new ways that seem counter-intuitive at the beginning, and we often need people from outside the picture to tell us how they see the whole picture. I might be deadly wrong, I'm no expert on anything. But that is the picture I saw when I read your post. And I've needed other people to tell on me so I could stop making it worse myself.

Hope things get better for you two.

[Kelbel]

Hi JoeBPD81

Thank you very much for your reply. Having had 24 hours to think about how I reacted yesterday,  I had realised my reaction was invalidating but I couldn't think clearly through how, and wasn't sure what I should have done differently. I haven't completely digested your response yet, but wanted to thank you for being honest about your views on the potential impact of my response on my partner. I have such a lot to learn and really appreciate your well thought out advice and the time you took in putting it together. It really helps getting specific advice on what I did and what it would have been better to do. 

I really hope this gets better too, and will do my best to at least stop making things worse.

Kelbel

[Skip]

Good post, Joe. Observe. Don't judge. The judging is what creates drama.

One day they're gonna kick me out for being grumpy

Pssst... .Joe, you're an ambassador. Technically, you are the kicker-outer.