New to BPD romantic relationship

[k0103605]

I (non-BP) have been in a relationship with a man since the end of February 2017.  Things were wonderful in the beginning and I started to think that maybe I had found my forever person.  After the first month of dating, I recognized that his behaviors and actions were unlike anyone I'd ever met before.  After the second month, I started seeing some red flags but felt very strongly that I wanted to stay in the relationship.  After the third month, the consistent turmoil of the relationship sparked me to do some research about what I was encountering with my partner.  This is when I discovered that he most likely has undiagnosed BPD.  I am currently in individual therapy and have been reading a great deal of BPD-related literature.  I am keeping a journal and doing exercises to help me communicate better with my partner.  I feel I have begun to understand and empathize with his behaviors and actions.  I still have a great deal of information to absorb in order to become comfortable communicating with my partner so that we can create a positive and productive dialogue.  Currently, one of my most prominent communication deficits is my ability to be genuinely validating of my partner's feelings.  I think he perceives that I am being patronizing when I try to confirm, empathize and validate his feelings during an argument.  I wanted to inquire of others on this site to see if this is a common roadblock for non-BPs when communicating with their BP significant others.  I'm not the warmest person in the world and often have a difficult time seeing things from another's perspective.  I didn't receive much emotional validation as a child, so I don't really have a good blueprint for how to empathize genuinely.  I know I don't have to feel the same way as my partner - I just have to validate that he feels a certain way.  When I try to do this, he accuses me of being condescending or patronizing.  Does anyone have any tips or suggestions for exercises to help me become a better communication partner?  This seems to be our biggest obstacle right now.  My partner gets very upset when I don't "see things his way."  How do I communicate that I understand that he has certain feelings about things but I don't always feel the same way? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wanttobehappy]

I (non-BP) have been in a relationship with a man since the end of February 2017.  Things were wonderful in the beginning and I started to think that maybe I had found my forever person.  After the first month of dating, I recognized that his behaviors and actions were unlike anyone I'd ever met before.  After the second month, I started seeing some red flags but felt very strongly that I wanted to stay in the relationship.  After the third month, the consistent turmoil of the relationship sparked me to do some research about what I was encountering with my partner.  This is when I discovered that he most likely has undiagnosed BPD.  I am currently in individual therapy and have been reading a great deal of BPD-related literature.  I am keeping a journal and doing exercises to help me communicate better with my partner.  I feel I have begun to understand and empathize with his behaviors and actions.  I still have a great deal of information to absorb in order to become comfortable communicating with my partner so that we can create a positive and productive dialogue.  Currently, one of my most prominent communication deficits is my ability to be genuinely validating of my partner's feelings.  I think he perceives that I am being patronizing when I try to confirm, empathize and validate his feelings during an argument.  I wanted to inquire of others on this site to see if this is a common roadblock for non-BPs when communicating with their BP significant others.  I'm not the warmest person in the world and often have a difficult time seeing things from another's perspective.  I didn't receive much emotional validation as a child, so I don't really have a good blueprint for how to empathize genuinely.  I know I don't have to feel the same way as my partner - I just have to validate that he feels a certain way.  When I try to do this, he accuses me of being condescending or patronizing.  Does anyone have any tips or suggestions for exercises to help me become a better communication partner?  This seems to be our biggest obstacle right now.  My partner gets very upset when I don't "see things his way."  How do I communicate that I understand that he has certain feelings about things but I don't always feel the same way? 

Hello, welcome to the forums. I am glad you joined us here. I too have a similar story to you, only after a couple months of dating was I able to see my bf's BPD side, it was confusing and hurtful. Five years later we are still together with many ups and downs, I have to say since you are new to this; it's a long journey and there will be cons and pros to the relationship. In terms of validation, I too am horrible at it and still trying to learn. There is a lot of sources on this website on validating others feelings and reading a few books on BPD may give you an extra insight. In my personal experience validation doesn't mean you are agreeing with what they are saying but it's a way to let them know what they are feeling is real from their prospective. When I didn't know about BPD, I would always say my prospective and I realised it only made the blow ups worse. However, validating isn't something that comes to me so easily as well, it will be a learning curve. You will fail somedays and win somedays, the more you practice the better you will get.

Since you are new to the relationship I would also ask you to have a plan to take care of yourself, these times of relationships can be really draining on your mental and physical health. The more you read on these forums and have a look at the lessons on this website, it could further help you understand the disorder. Their reality is very real to them and we cannot change that sadly.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi k01,

Welcome

Sounds like you are making some great insights into yourself and your reaction/response to your pwBPD. I think validating genuinely is something that I also struggle with. I am also am not a very "warm" person in that I don't wear my emotions so others can see them easily. For a pwBPD this disposition can cause them to feel that we don't care about them.

When I am struggling with understanding my H's emotions, in order to validate in those moments I ask questions. The simple act of asking questions shows him that I am listening and want to hear what he is saying. Asking things like, "How does that make you feel?" "So what you're saying is... ." or "It's important that I understand what you are saying. Could you please explain it again?" Validation is a skill that takes time and practice. As you get more experience with you, you will see what type of validation works well with him and what doesn't.

Could you give us an example of a time that you feel like you didn't validate well?

Here's a link to one of our articles on Empathetic Listening.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

[k0103605]

Thank you wanttobehappy and Tattered Heart.  It was such a relief to feel a sense of community and support after my first post on this site.  I have made some progress since the last time I posted, both individually and in my relationship with my BP partner.  My therapist said similar things to the advice you both gave in your replies - that validating my partner will take lots of practice in order for it to not feel awkward, and that I need to continue to take care of myself throughout all of this.  I am finishing up the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and have found it to be extremely helpful.  Next, I plan to read, I Hate You Don't Leave Me.  I also purchased a book about Dialectical Behavior Therapy which includes some exercises I can do with my partner to help us communicate more clearly.  I am currently working on setting clear boundaries with my partner.  I've actually had some success with a couple of these which is encouraging.  My goal this week is to focus a little more on myself and doing the things I like to do so that I don't lose that connection with my individuality.  I have found that when I focus on the relationship too much, I am more tense, more unhappy and more irritable than if I were maintaining a healthy balance of focus on both myself and the relationship.  Sometimes, I feel so helpless because the balance is what I struggle with the most.  I have my own mental health deficits (anxiety, depression, panic disorder), so keeping a healthy balance in my individual life has always been a struggle for me.  Now, I have to maintain balance in myself and the relationship and it often feels hopeless.  I find myself frequently doubting my decision to be in this tumultuous relationship because it feels like a major setback to what I have accomplished in my individual life over the past several years.  I love my partner and I want him to be my person, but I do not want his deficits to drag me back or hold me back from accomplishing my goals.  Does anyone else face these conflicts on a regular basis? 

[Tattered Heart]

It will be really good for you to maintain that balance between your own interests and taking care of your pwBPD. You are still early in your relationship so many of the boundaries have not yet been broken (although as you mentioned some have). I gave up a lot of things because my H didn't want me to do things outside of our relationship and I suffered a lot of isolation, depression, and loneliness because of it. If I had access to the tools, communication skills, and a better understanding of boundaries from the beginning our relationship would be a lot different. Now, I'm trying to break years of poor boundaries.

Keep focusing on working on yourself. That's how you flourish in a relationship with someone with BPD. Find a good support system too (not just this site, but people you know) that can help you in those moments when things are not going well.