Struggling with codependency diagnosis

[LittleBlueTruck]

I recently started seeing a therapist. She said I have strong codependent characteristics. I don't disagree!

My issue is that she's very quick during our sessions to cut me off when I talk about interactions with my mom and reframe it into "she didn't DO anything to you, you ALLOWED her to." I totally see it and am working on boundaries and taking a more active role in protecting myself.

I can't tell though if I'm resistant to change or if therapy should be a little more validating or supportive? I am in an objectively terrible situation. I don't go to therapy for sympathy, I go to learn how to modify my behavior. But lately I leave feeling like it is another older woman in my life telling me that everything is my fault.

Should I check out another therapist? Or stick through the uncomfortable stuff? I want her to keep posing difficult things to me but I just wish she listened more and occasionally validated.

[AskingWhy]

Sometimes finding a therapist is hard because you need the right fit. Not all therapists will connect with you.

If you feel you are not having a good relationship, you might interview other therapists.  A good therapeutic fit makes you feel good about yourself and your choice to improve your life.  A good therapist should validate you, so you are correct.  A good therapist should not make you feel bad about yourself and your decisions.  Some discomfort in therapy is necessary as painful issues are uncovered and examined, but you should never be made to feel bad about your past decisions.
 
On the other hand, transference may be a factor here. 

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/transference

Good luck and best wishes.

[IsThisThingOn]

I think you may have answered your own question when you stated:

"... .I just wish she listened more and occasionally validated."

I went through a slew of therapists before finding "the one."  At one point I made a list of therapists I had found online and essentially set up interviews with each one. One day I had three appointments back to back.  It was on that day that I found the therapist I'm with now (going on 4 years together) ... .before this T I was really starting to give up on the idea of therapy. Dont give up. This one may not be the right fit for you but you will find "the one" too

Dont settle for feeling badly about yourself in what is intended to be a therapeutic setting.

[LittleBlueTruck]

Thank you both! I'm going to give it a few more sessions to make sure it isn't just me hearing things I don't want to hear.

I think I just in general want to talk more. It is a lot of me getting out one or two sentences and then she interrupts and talks for a long time and I think she would give different advice if she actually heard me out.

But, of course, I feel really guilty and don't want to hurt her feelings by not coming back!

[Harri]

Hi Little Blue.

What about telling your T directly that you feel like she is cutting your off?  It may sound scary but (!) it is great practice to speak up with a professional who is trained to listen when trying to learn news ways to communicate and think and work on co-dependency issues... .and if her response is to get defensive or angry, then yes, walk away and get another therapist!

Therapy is supposed to be a place where it is safe to talk, question, think out loud.  I am a bit concerned that she is cutting you off, but then I remember when I was with my last T (he was pretty new tho) and he would keep telling me I was talking about my mom rather than myself.  I finally told him I did not know how to talk about me without talking about her and he got it.  He then helped guide me rather than cut me off.  It could be that your T is controlling (in which case, leave) or she needs to be told that her style is just not working for you. 

Either way, speak up.  That is a big part of the reason you are going for therapy.

[LittleBlueTruck]

Hi Harri!

You bring up a good point. I've debated saying this. And it would probably be the healthier thing to do. Why is it so scary? I feel like if I tell her what I need or that she's being dismissive and not listening that she will dislike me. Eureka! I guess this is the effect of experiencing conditional love from a mother. Something that is very much present in my day to day life. For example, my mom  recently suggested moving a chair in my house. I didn't say no, I just didn't jump right on it. She has been icy and won't look at me in the face for days. I can see now the impact this has had on the rest of my interactions with people.

I am so exhausted. I want the magic healthy wand to be waved.

I love all your thoughts, Harri. Thanks for replying.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi LittleBlueTruck! 

I'm so glad you posed the question you did to us here, in a safe place.  You've gotten some great comments and very encouraging answers so far that I wholeheartedly agree with.

Eureka! I guess this is the effect of experiencing conditional love from a mother. Something that is very much present in my day to day life. ... .I can see now the impact this has had on the rest of my interactions with people.

Great observation and understanding!  This shows how much you are growing and learning. Let me be honest and say that the blame game gets so old. I'm living in it myself, and I am so tired of it. If it wasn't from my uBPDm, then it was from someone else, hiding behind the bushes practically in my fear of everyone that they'd be mad at me for doing something or imagining I had done or not done something. Hang in there. You are learning to work through this and it takes time. Know that you are growing and learning and on the journey which takes time. I've finally found comfort in the process (most of the time!) and try to not hurry and work so hard. You'll get there over time.

I'd say to try and ask, as Harri has suggested, and if that doesn't work, interview a few other T as well. It's important to find a good fit, one in which you are validated because it will help you to grow all the more. It's a good combination to have challenge as well as validation. As a child of a BPD, we are all to familiar with correction and we know how to do things right. We had no choice. But one thing we don't know how to do well is to be validated. That becomes a horse of a different color, learning to receive kindness and care just because of who we are.

 
Wools

[LittleBlueTruck]

Thanks, Wools! I might be reading more into your post than you intended... .but maybe it is possible there IS validation happening and I'm unable  to see it or respond?

She suggested journaling. To get some of this out. And I think I will. I have this compulsive need after not telling anyone about this for years to get it out. To talk about it and list specific outrageous incidents. I don't think there is any happiness for me if I indulge in that endlessly. But I do feel I need some form of catharsis before I can start being all mature and growing.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again LittleBlueTruck,

From what you shared, no, I don't think validation is really taking place with your T, but what does your head and body say when she talks with you? Do you feel small and like the little child whom your mom got after? That is often a sign that you are flashing back to childhood feelings. Or do you feel empowered and pleased with how you are progressing?

Journaling is a great idea  and one which many members here have found quite helpful. Do you like to write? There is a time for grieving our losses that is absolutely appropriate so do allow yourself the time to do that. Pete Walker has mentioned how important it is to go through the grieving process.

There has been a lot of shaming, dangerous and inaccurate "guidance" put out about forgiveness in the last few years, in both the recovery community and in transpersonal circles. Many survivors of dysfunctional families have been injured by the simplistic, black and white advice that decrees that they must embrace a position of being totally and permanently forgiving in order to recover. Unfortunately, those who have taken the advice to forgive abuses that they have not fully grieved, abuses that are still occurring, and/or abuses so heinous they should and could never be forgiven, often find themselves getting nowhere in their recovery process. In fact, the possibility of attaining real feelings of forgiveness is usually lost when there is a premature, cognitive decision to forgive. This is because premature forgiving intentions mimic the defenses of denial and repression. They keep unprocessed feelings of anger and hurt about childhood unfairnesses out of awareness.

Does that help? It sounds like your T has many good points and has been helpful, but don't be afraid to reach out and check out another T if you need to.

 
Wools

[LittleBlueTruck]

Wools - my T talks about how I will need to grieve for the mother I don't have but it feels like, at least thus far, there hasn't been much space to do so. Going to sit with this for a couple sessions, speak honestly about my feelings, and see if it is my own handicaps preventing me from feeling this or the T.

Thanks for your input.

[Notwendy]

Hi LBT- I have been working on co-dependency for a while.

I agree with the other posters that if you really don't feel your T is helpful- then look for someone who is.

However, I will share my own experience as I felt invalidated and uncomfortable with a T at first when working on co-dependency. She was always calling me out on my stuff rather than validating me when it was my mother who was the one behaving badly.

At her recommendation, I started attending 12 step co-dependency groups. My sponsor did the same thing. Some other members too- called people out on their stuff when it was others treating them poorly.

Eventually I got it- my side of the situation. The people trying to help me knew that if they validated my point of view, it would not help me change- and that was the reason I was there- to stop being co-dependent. If they validated how I was mistreated, that would perpetuate my view as a victim of the mistreatment.

Even if it is true- that my BPD mother has hurtful behavior- if I took the perspective that this is what she does to me- rather than look at what I could do about it- I wouldn't know how to change. I can't look at her to decide how to change- I have to look at me!  Yes, she did something - that's what she can control.  What I allow or do about it is under my control.

Having gone through this- I can see how even if i felt invalidated and uncomfortable- looking at my part in the situation did lead to my making changes in myself for the better. To me - it is worth it. Again- you have the choice of a therapist, but you may also want to see where this one is going with this- as what she is doing is trying to get you to see the parts in this relationship that you can change.

[LittleBlueTruck]

Notwendy - a lot of this resonates and makes sense. Precisely what I was looking for, thank you