Finally making sense

[AskingWhy]

This is my first post. 

Partner is almost certainly in the BPD/NPD spectrum.  He is very high functioning and holds a good job.  To the outside world he is a very pleasant person willing to help neighbors put up fences, clean driveways, etc.  I see a different side of him.

I have been married for almost twenty years.  Partners first marriage broke up when his ex had an affair with a married man.  This broke up two marriages.  Partner was willing to stay married (he was deeply in love with her) but the ex left anyway and married her lover.  His ex got sole custody of the children.

We married several years after his divorce (I did not know his wife), and his children were in preschool.  The children are now young adults.

I began thinking something was seriously wrong with partner about ten years ago.  He would not parent his children and he took an enormous amount of emotional abuse from them during their visits.  He did everything to appease them with gifts and money.  On the other hand I started to be the target of regular threats of divorce when partner was angry with me.  Partner also has anger issues.  He has broken objects and damaged property but has not raised a hand to me.  He says he will not do so because he is "not that stupid" inferring he knows he will be taken into police custody as I will press charges.  He puts his childrens needs and wants before mine and loves them more than me.  The children moved in after high school and are now on their own.  Without the children at home to take his attention he bullies me about anything from house work to the way I wear my clothes.

I researched and understood he was splitting on a regular basis.  It was hurtful and confusing but it made sense.  It would happen within minutes and the silent treatment would last for hours or days.   The divorce threats escalate.  I see now that my in laws have a very dysfunctional marriage and his father is most likely NPD.  His only sibling is an alcoholic who works at an unskilled job and is married to a drug addict.

Partner has no sense of self and defines himself by his relationships to his much older friends from work. His is their chameleon.  He is very enmeshed with his children and is more of their friend than a parent. 

His friends are now retired and moving out of the area.  My partner now wants to follow them when he retires in spite of my different opinions on where to live.  He has told me that I can move with him or stay in our town.  (This infers he will divorce me.)

I have tried many means to deal with him from laughing at him to reflecting his anger back to him.  Now that I see his family origins clearly, this might not be the best thing to do.  He says he is unhappy and does not want to stay with me, and is considering divorce.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi AskingWhy! 

Welcome! I'm really glad that you have shared your story with us. Sounds like you are in a place that is uncertain, unstable, and hurtful. I am sorry for the pain you must be feeling. 

You've been married a long time, and a lot has gone on during that time. I can tell by the things you've mentioned that you've been seeking to understand what is going on with him. I'm glad you are researching! It can really help to know that there are reasons behind the behavior, but it still hurts and wounds our souls. Have you ever thought of T for yourself to help you navigate through these rough places?

How serious do you feel his threats of divorce are right now? Have they escalated to where you feel they may actually be more than threats?

BPDs often project what is going on inside of them, regardless of how they make others feel.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection
BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment

I think both of these links will be an encouragement to you. What do you think of them?

Take care of yourself AskingWhy. It is important to be kind to you, and to find rest for your soul in the enriching things you may have set aside in order to please your partner. You are so important. What kind thing will you do for you today?

 
Wools

[AskingWhy]

Thank you, Woolspinner, for the links.

I first started thinking something was seriously wrong some years ago and started research.

uBPD H really starts the divorce threats when he is under stress or pressure from his work or family.  He angrily leaves our bedroom to sleep on the living room couch.

By the next day, like a child, it's like nothing happened the previous night, and he's back in our bed.

He really had a bad childhood and only now is beginning to see this, but he's hardly willing to admit the impact it made on his behavior and outlook on life.

Thank you for the links.  And I know well the silent treatment.  It goes along with the withholding of affection and taking off to another room.

[pearlsw]

Hi AskingWhy,

Sorry to hear what you have been going through. I never used to understand my husbands hundreds of break up threats and I fell for every one of them. It made me wreck. I never in my life thought I'd even find other people who had been/are going through the same stuff. Glad you are here!

One thing I know for sure is that throwing back at them what they throw it you won't work. In mild doses that might work with another non, "give them a taste of their own medicine" so to speak, but that definitely won't work in the situations we are living in. And anyway, either way, it is non-productive. It is really important to study the skills here and adjust your thinking. Small adjustments can help improve the dynamic and bring you some peace if you are lucky. The more you understand how they operate in the world the easier it becomes to put better communication strategies into practice! Despite the difficulties this brings try to open your heart with compassion towards his shortcomings. I'm still working on it every day, better communication, and I notice my partner has been picking up on it bit too just from what he sees me doing. It's been a nice surprise. I try to enjoy the learning part as a means of my own self-improvement. If he ultimately breaks up with me or I leave him at least I will have become better at communicating. Take care!

[AskingWhy]

pearlsw, thank you belatedly for the kind reply.

My tactic was to rage back twice as hard.  Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, but it certainly got him to think about how he interacts with me.

I am trying a more compassionate approach and not responding to his threats.  If H is angry with me, for instance, he will threaten to call off a dinner party.  I don't get angry or beg him not to cancel the party.  I just say in a matter-of-fact tone, "Well, do what you need to do."  In 100% of the cases, he will back off of his threat.

[snowglobe]

Dear @AskingWhy, your post struck a familiar cord with me. I can relate to the dysfunctional family of origin dynamics, his relatives defining his behaviour, attitudes and personality all the while he is with them or has some form of contact. My uBPDh also had dysfunctional upbringing, yet refuses to admit to the fact and considers it "normal". He also deals very similarly with high demand and stress coping- by insulting me, threatening the divorce and sleeping on the couch avoiding even as much as looking at me. After reading " I hate you don't leave me" I'm trying to imagine this grown man as he were as a little boy. By looking at his childhood photos it's easy to imagine a 6 year old boy (my guess is that's when the pattern of abuse and neglect affected him the most) and to apply his current behaviour to that age. Totally makes sense, if a 6 yo would be behaving this way, it would be attention seeking, reassurance and constant desire to please. He is so desperately trying to be a good boy, so people would start liking him, that especially applies to his family of origin. When he is acting up I started to apply the same tools as I normally do with my children, I start from physically holding him, even through he is trying to push me away, I then start baby talking to him, instinctively filling in the gaps left by his parents. He slacks back and becomes a potato sack finally relaxed and satiated. It's iverwhelming to have your family's decisions made and defined by other people, like his family of origin. More often then not your views of what's good for him are competing from what they think or need from him. Watching your uBPDh exploited and taken advantage of is no walk in the park. That's when I get triggered. To conclude, I chose a "mommy role" when it comes to our relationship at the times of crisis. Doesn't matter how bad or ugly it gets, I send a message that he is loved and dear to me. It's not a magic bullet and doesn't solve our issues, however delaying and stalling quietly all while agreeing to whatever he wants me to does the trick. In time he comes to realize how crazy the idea was and backs away.