School Transportation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ok, I need some ideas please.

My SD12 just started school this week (middle school). On the first day of school uBPDbm went from "I'm unemployed" to "I changed my shift at work to 7:45am to 3:45pm". She's demanding that she be allowed to drop SD off at our house at 6:45am two days a week so SD can ride the bus from our house, which doesn't even arrive until 8:30am. SD would have to wake up at 6am for this. School doesn't start until 9.

Our main concern is that SD will be exhausted. She doesn't go to bed until 10pm and is already complaining that her sister (they share a room) keeps her up at night because she's on her phone.

Our second concern is with exchanges at personal residences... .we have had a lot of trouble at exchanges and uBPDbm has filed several restraining orders against DH (all denied). Our temp CO says all exchanges are to occur at a police station.

We offered a solution... .exchange the night before at the police station. That way SD can sleep in and go about her normal morning routine. Well this apparently triggered uBPDbm. She felt threatened that her "overnights" would be taken away. She went to the court and filed a "motion to compel the father to cooperate with transportation". It was denied.

uBPDbm has decided that her only other options are for SD12 to take a rideshare (Uber) or to change her schools so she can ride the bus from mom's house. Mind you, uBPDbm moved OUT of the school district. We moved into it to maintain consistency for SD.

Anyway... .

This morning DH didn't want SD riding in an uber (don't get into cars with strangers!) so he picked her up and took her to school. uBPDbm complained that if he showed up at her apartment she would have him arrested. We offered that I could pick SD up and drop her off at school. uBPDbm said I'm not allowed to because I "disrespected" her. Then she said DH could do it (but she just said she would have him arrested... .ugh).

We suggested she look into a nanny to watch SD and do the transportation. She said she doesn't need a nanny, she needs a cooperative DH. ::eyeroll::

I'm at a loss. We asked uBPDbm if she had any friends willing to do the driving but no response.

I feel like we've given her plenty of options but she keeps complaining that we're not "cooperating" because we won't agree to the drop off at 6:45am. Are we being unreasonable to not agree to that, given her threats and the history of our situation?

Are there any other options I'm not thinking of?

[Thunderstruck]

Ok, I need some ideas please.

My SD12 just started school this week (middle school). On the first day of school uBPDbm went from "I'm unemployed" to "I changed my shift at work to 7:45am to 3:45pm". She's demanding that she be allowed to drop SD off at our house at 6:45am two days a week so SD can ride the bus from our house, which doesn't even arrive until 8:30am. SD would have to wake up at 6am for this. School doesn't start until 9.

Our main concern is that SD will be exhausted. She doesn't go to bed until 10pm and is already complaining that her sister (they share a room) keeps her up at night because she's on her phone.

Our second concern is with exchanges at personal residences... .we have had a lot of trouble at exchanges and uBPDbm has filed several restraining orders against DH (all denied). Our temp CO says all exchanges are to occur at a police station.

We offered a solution... .exchange the night before at the police station. That way SD can sleep in and go about her normal morning routine. Well this apparently triggered uBPDbm. She felt threatened that her "overnights" would be taken away. She went to the court and filed a "motion to compel the father to cooperate with transportation". It was denied.

uBPDbm has decided that her only other options are for SD12 to take a rideshare (Uber) or to change her schools so she can ride the bus from mom's house. Mind you, uBPDbm moved OUT of the school district. We moved into it to maintain consistency for SD.

Anyway... .

This morning DH didn't want SD riding in an uber (don't get into cars with strangers!) so he picked her up and took her to school. uBPDbm complained that if he showed up at her apartment she would have him arrested. We offered that I could pick SD up and drop her off at school. uBPDbm said I'm not allowed to because I "disrespected" her. Then she said DH could do it (but she just said she would have him arrested... .ugh).

We suggested she look into a nanny to watch SD and do the transportation. She said she doesn't need a nanny, she needs a cooperative DH. ::eyeroll::

I'm at a loss. We asked uBPDbm if she had any friends willing to do the driving but no response.

I feel like we've given her plenty of options but she keeps complaining that we're not "cooperating" because we won't agree to the drop off at 6:45am. Are we being unreasonable to not agree to that, given her threats and the history of our situation?

Are there any other options I'm not thinking of?

[david]

I would focus on one solution, drop SD12 off the night before. The court denied compelling you to do what ex wanted. Your solution is simple and easy for SD12. Overnights in my county are the major determining factor in child support. If you can document ex saying that is her real reason the courts would not look kindly towards her and may actually order SD12 dropped off the night before. My ex always fought about overnights. Eventually I figured out the reason why. MY ex actually stated to our custody evaluator that if I got 50/50 the children would not be allowed to attend the school they are going to. I could not contain myself and unfortunately laughed out loud. I then had to explain if all schools acted that way then they would not be allowed to attend any school if you had 50/50 and that simply made no sense. Ex still insisted I was wrong. The evaluator realized what he was dealing with and was no longer annoyed by my laughing. He shook his head in disbelief after he explained it to ex since she insisted he was wrong too.

[david]

Another solution, although it would take a few weeks, is to let ex figure it out by herself. Sometimes when I do that with my ex she figures it out and yes the solution is what I proposed. However, given the time she morphs it into her idea and I simply agree. I have done that at least 5 times and it worked every time.
Also, my ex sends me emails asking why our son was marked late for homeroom whenever I drop him off a little late. He never missed a class. That happened, last year, about 4 times. On the flip side he has been marked late and actually missed part of his first period and several times his second period when he was at his moms. I let it go and save the school calendar showing the lates.

[flourdust]

Another solution, although it would take a few weeks, is to let ex figure it out by herself.

Bingo.

The BPDm has a problem. She's trying to make it your problem. It's not your problem. Let her solve it herself.

[Thunderstruck]

Yes, I agree it is uBPDbm's problem. But Ugh, in the court's response for the emergency motion they reprimanded (presumably DH) for not co-parenting and getting along. They said "the court notes that the father requested his address be used for school purposes" and that if they didn't get along that would be revisited.      Well anyway, now uBPDbm is feeling entitled to contest that decision and keeps saying she will be filing a motion to change SD's school JUST so that SD can ride the bus from her house. That is not happening (meaning we will fight tooth in nail so it doesn't). SD loves her school and is doing really well there.

Yes, she is 100% using the FOG right now.

uBPDbm does this all the time, she plays "chicken" against us using SD. We always cave, too. This morning I drove SD to school. I'm sure I'll be doing it for the foreseeable future. I actually don't mind it. It only adds about 15 minutes to my commute but I get to see SD for some extra time.

[flourdust]

Yeah, you are in the FOG. I think you've documented that you offered options, and she rejected them. You've done all you need to. It's her responsibility to adjust her work schedule or make other arrangements to get the kid to school. She refuses to do so.

You can seem reasonable and cooperative by pointing out that you offered options to try to help, and they were all rejected. That's all you need to say. You don't need to illustrate that it's the bm's problem or that she's been uncooperative -- her actions speak for themselves.

[david]

Another thing to look at. How do the two schools compare ? If the school she is currently going to is ranked better then why would you switch schools. Just for BPDmom's convenience ? I don't think the judge would think that is reasonable.
The solution of dropping SD12 off at your residence the night before makes the most sense. I believe BPDmom is looking at child support only. A compromise would be to have Sd12 dropped off the night before and BPDmom can have another day during the week as a dinner night. This way mom gets to see SD12 when she is awake. I don't know if that is a good idea or not but it is an option to present in court as a solution. I would save that option for court.
Also, I have been yelled at several times in court by the judge and still got exactly what I was seeking. The first time it happened I was a little perplexed. I think it is the judges way of making it appear both parties "win". My ex has actually brought up the fact that a judge yelled at me in court. It was her perceived victory and she used it in an email. I said nothing about it in a reply. Pointing out the obvious will only trigger her more.

[david]

Another thing, bm(bowel movement)  went from unemployed to working overnight. Kind of makes me think this is all about child support in bm's head.

[Thunderstruck]

Another thing, bm(bowel movement)  went from unemployed to working overnight. Kind of makes me think this is all about child support in bm's head.

Of course it is! She raged about losing her "overnights" and us taking her rights away. We were like... .ok... .How about SD spends the night with the understanding that we still have 50/50 and shared parental rights? Still a no go.

She's been hiding her income for at least a year, telling us she only makes $5/hour at a strip club. Ohhhhkaaayyyyy. Then she lost that job and has been hiding this new job from us for months, insisting she was unemployed. Then where are you going every night for 10 hours, leaving SD and her sister alone? ::eyeroll::

The funny part is, she doesn't even get that much in child support. Only ~$115/month. ::shrug::

This option is honestly the easiest. We pick SD up directly and leave uBPDbm out of the equation altogether. Less stress for all involved.

[david]

If you ever get the CE report, that may help you get what you think is best for SD12.

[HopefulDad]

I think your offer of taking her the night before is very good.  Stick to it and let her figure out how to solve the problem.  As for her two threats in response to that offer... .

1. She'll have SD12 take an Uber.  Bullfeces.  Simply tell her you have safety concerns about that and should she follow through, you will take it up with both the family court and CPS.

2. She'll have SD12 switch schools.  Be ready to go in front of a judge on this one.  Inform the judge that you did offer a viable solution, but she rejected it and her response is to completely disrupt everyone's lives.  Judges do not like to disrupt the lives of children.  In that vein, I think the judge will decide as follows:

  Most likely: SD12 comes to you the night before, allowing her to sleep in normally the next day
 
  Next:  Mom drops SD12 off at your place at 6:45am so mom keeps her overnights the same
 
  Distantly least likely: SD12 switches schools.  Cannot really see this happening since this is over 2 days/week while she's already with you the other 3

[bravhart1]

I know this may sound a little out there, but what if you just allowed her to drop SD off at the requested time? Then if SD is tired or complains, etc, then logical consequences might take BPDm down a more reasonable path.
I know SD is going to have some rough mornings but maybe all involved might benefit from letting BPDMs plans fall on their faces. It may make her become reasonable ( just kidding) or at least not reject your suggestions next time for fear of her ideas looking stupid again. I Might just be tempted to let her live out her dumb plan and let her see how dumb it is.
 

[ForeverDad]

When picking up SD12 just be sure not one foot (or tire) is placed on ex's property.  And never go up to the door, that's BM's home turf.  Don't stop in front of the house either, just a little up or down the street.  And of course save that recording, text or email that states she's okay with the pickups.  Her moods are erratic and you can be sure she'll get triggered sooner or later and she'll once again try to get dad arrested or reported.

By now you know the laws, that you can't follow her to wherever she works, that could expose you to stalking or harassment claims, but a PI (bonded & trained professional) can do what you can't do.