Feeling alone today

[epicdaydream]

I have been handling no contact for 6 days. If you read my previous post I was in a violent relationship with my BPD girl. I am trying so hard to get my mind right. It's hard reading some threads bc sometimes I end up thinking of things I probably shouldn't.

Overall, I'm doing ok but I feel this big, empty void inside. And sometimes I think of her, during her meltdowns, hitting herself and her eyes closed hard as she is crying, i would embrace her even after I was the one hit and try to console her. I want this feeling yo go away, she has had no problem hurting me and not thinking or feeling anything. It's hard man.

Just needed to vent. I wish no one ever would have to experience this kind of relationship.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi epic

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time.  After such a traumatic r/s you will be flooded with memories and feelings.  I was physically abused too and it's like being haunted afterwards.  I know how confusing all the emotions can be when really you may well imagine you 'should' feel nothing but relief to be out of it and that is far from the case.  The strong emotions that kept you in that situation haven't disappeared and for others on the outside (especially if there were those who said "just leave" it's really hard for them to understand why we would be hurting.  Just know it's OK to love and grieve over the loss of someone who has mistreated you.   

Allow yourself the time and space to work through this at your own pace.  Come here to post and share if it helps.  Do you have any support network in place?  Local agency/service for domestic abuse sufferers?  Counselling?  Therapist?  Friends/family whom you can speak to?  It's all too easy to cut yourself off at a time like this, yet not great for healing in a healthy way.  Letting those thoughts and feelings out rather than pushing them down can be frightening and overwhelming, yet it's better all round to accept them as they will pass more readily.   

It's hard reading some threads bc sometimes I end up thinking of things I probably shouldn't.

You don't need to reply if this is something that feels uncomfortable to talk about, but I was curious what things you think of (or feel?) that you imagine you probably shouldn't?

On a side note, are you comfortable with your level of safety at present?  I took measures after going NC which gave me more confidence in my home environment.  Am hopeful you feel secure.  I'm dropping you a link below should you wish to read through it.  It's the site Safety First document around safeguarding.  I had put together a safety plan with a local support service during the r/s and it's something I'll always value because of it's usefulness.

You know the effort that you put into comforting your ex?  Now find things that you can do which put that same effort into comforting yourself.  You need that from you now.  Hang in there.  We're here for you.

Love and light x

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm

[epicdaydream]

Thank you so much for your response. Unjust check back like 10 times to see if anyone can say anything to make me feel even a little better. Yours helped.

I feel safe yes. When we were living together she threatened me all the time w cops or killing herself or whatever she knew would hurt me. I didn't feel safe much when her episodes would happen. I tried so God hard to make her love me. But the hits and the insults about me were daily and I never told anyone. Only one friend who is a great guy listens to me endlessly without judgement. Everyone couldn't understand why I stayed and I have asked myself for years now why I did.

I felt so sad for her and I miss hugging her bc in those moments I felt like a hero. She told me once I'm the best man she's ever met. It's hard to believe that then why would she do the things she did ... .even up to our last day she was hurting me.

I don't fear for my life Infact I know I am safe from the words or physical pain. I feel this pit, in my heart, why I couldn't save her from this pain and I know it sounds so foolish and stupid ... .I know I can't go back and most likely never speak to her again.

I read about infidelity and it bothers me bc I do not know of it ever happened. One time she told me she did and then told me it was a joke. I don't know but it made me feel sick.

I wish I had more friends but I isolated myself last few years. It's hard. I don't want to date anyone or be initimate with anyone for a long time. I don't even know what I loved about her anymore ... .I just took care of her and to me it made me feel important.

Thank you.

Hi epic

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time.  After such a traumatic r/s you will be flooded with memories and feelings.  I was physically abused too and it's like being haunted afterwards.  I know how confusing all the emotions can be when really you may well imagine you 'should' feel nothing but relief to be out of it and that is far from the case.  The strong emotions that kept you in that situation haven't disappeared and for others on the outside (especially if there were those who said "just leave" it's really hard for them to understand why we would be hurting.  Just know it's OK to love and grieve over the loss of someone who has mistreated you.   

Allow yourself the time and space to work through this at your own pace.  Come here to post and share if it helps.  Do you have any support network in place?  Local agency/service for domestic abuse sufferers?  Counselling?  Therapist?  Friends/family whom you can speak to?  It's all too easy to cut yourself off at a time like this, yet not great for healing in a healthy way.  Letting those thoughts and feelings out rather than pushing them down can be frightening and overwhelming, yet it's better all round to accept them as they will pass more readily.   

You don't need to reply if this is something that feels uncomfortable to talk about, but I was curious what things you think of (or feel?) that you imagine you probably shouldn't?

On a side note, are you comfortable with your level of safety at present?  I took measures after going NC which gave me more confidence in my home environment.  Am hopeful you feel secure.  I'm dropping you a link below should you wish to read through it.  It's the site Safety First document around safeguarding.  I had put together a safety plan with a local support service during the r/s and it's something I'll always value because of it's usefulness.

You know the effort that you put into comforting your ex?  Now find things that you can do which put that same effort into comforting yourself.  You need that from you now.  Hang in there.  We're here for you.

Love and light x

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm

[Harley Quinn]

I think we all here are fallen heroes so you're far from alone in that feeling.  Just know that the love and compassion you gave away to her is yours to own.  It can fill that void.  Give it now to yourself.  It's hard, - trust me I know! - but when you turn your attention to this over the course of time it is empowering and slowly but surely you will gain new strength from it.  

First you must grieve your loss and that's never fun.  It is so very painful and I feel for you right now because I've, like so many here, been where you are.  The good news is day by day you will begin to come out of this.  It's not a race, it's a marathon so settle in and pace yourself.  Be kind to yourself and eat whatever you want, do whatever pleases you and find ways to inject even the smallest amount of joy into your life.  A quiet moment without interruption.  Control of the remote.  Not having to explain yourself.  Getting no bruises today.  A damn good cream meringue    

Kindness is important.  If you struggle to be kind to yourself initially, then acknowledge when you show kindness to others and allow yourself a moment to enjoy the good feeling that brings.  Having awareness of this is positive for your emotional system.  It's the little things that add up and bring about resilience and healing.  

I isolated myself too and took joy in reconnecting with others whom I'd pushed away, including all of my family.  I also found ways to put myself out there to meet new people and form new friendships.  This included a 12 week recovery course (CBT based) held by the same domestic abuse support service I mentioned.  It was an eye opener and an amazingly supportive environment.  To talk about my experience with others who can relate to the dreamlike quality of my existence was such a relief!  I met inspiring people and some of us are remaining in contact.  If you look around, you may be surprised to find what is available in your area that you could get involved in.  See this as a new beginning for you.

You're right in that we can't fix our ex partners.  Only they can fix themselves through a great deal of acceptance and commitment to serious long term therapy.  Just as only we can fix our codependent traits and begin to value ourselves not for what we can do for others but for simply who we are.  We are enough.  You are enough.  Time to let go of the responsibility of trying to do the impossible.  Let yourself off the hook.  She has choices she can make to help herself if she decides to.  

Love and light x

[epicdaydream]

Thank you for your words I had to reread this a few times it actually it's making me feel much better and I will continue to read everything that everyone has posted for me and giving me their time and thoughts. Thank you so much

I think we all here are fallen heroes so you're far from alone in that feeling.  Just know that the love and compassion you gave away to her is yours to own.  It can fill that void.  Give it now to yourself.  It's hard, - trust me I know! - but when you turn your attention to this over the course of time it is empowering and slowly but surely you will gain new strength from it.  

First you must grieve your loss and that's never fun.  It is so very painful and I feel for you right now because I've, like so many here, been where you are.  The good news is day by day you will begin to come out of this.  It's not a race, it's a marathon so settle in and pace yourself.  Be kind to yourself and eat whatever you want, do whatever pleases you and find ways to inject even the smallest amount of joy into your life.  A quiet moment without interruption.  Control of the remote.  Not having to explain yourself.  Getting no bruises today.  A damn good cream meringue    

Kindness is important.  If you struggle to be kind to yourself initially, then acknowledge when you show kindness to others and allow yourself a moment to enjoy the good feeling that brings.  Having awareness of this is positive for your emotional system.  It's the little things that add up and bring about resilience and healing.  

I isolated myself too and took joy in reconnecting with others whom I'd pushed away, including all of my family.  I also found ways to put myself out there to meet new people and form new friendships.  This included a 12 week recovery course (CBT based) held by the same domestic abuse support service I mentioned.  It was an eye opener and an amazingly supportive environment.  To talk about my experience with others who can relate to the dreamlike quality of my existence was such a relief!  I met inspiring people and some of us are remaining in contact.  If you look around, you may be surprised to find what is available in your area that you could get involved in.  See this as a new beginning for you.

You're right in that we can't fix our ex partners.  Only they can fix themselves through a great deal of acceptance and commitment to serious long term therapy.  Just as only we can fix our codependent traits and begin to value ourselves not for what we can do for others but for simply who we are.  We are enough.  You are enough.  Time to let go of the responsibility of trying to do the impossible.  Let yourself off the hook.  She has choices she can make to help herself if she decides to.  

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Glad to hear it.  It's a bumpy road but the journey is so worth it.  I found the articles and lessons here so helpful in my detaching.  Take a look at the self help material here  and see what resonates with you.  There are a couple of my most read articles in there, which made a world of difference to me by giving me perspective on things.  I hope you'll also find this.

When you're ready, I'd encourage you to begin reading these lessons, so that you can see that what you're experiencing is part of a process that unfolds.  It helped me to gauge where I was at and make sense of my emotions.  They are also on the right, or here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.msg347360#msg347360

I'm glad you have a good supportive friend to turn to.  Many members find counselling or other therapy very helpful in their recovery too.  You can also vent as much as you want here whenever you feel the need to.  We're listening.

Love and light x

[Joe77]

I feel for you those first days and weeks are really hard. It is hard to grasp that you were involved with someone that does not look at love the same way you do. It is hard to understand that not everyone is good and trust worthy in this world. It just hurts. Now for the good news you have released yourself from someone that was going to continue to emotionally abuse you. Do you know they say if you avoid going to a friend or family members house to avoid a fight with your partner you are being emotionally abuse. That is just the tip of the ice berg you just endured.

We all have felt like gods here on this site if involved with someone with BPD or another personality disorder. That is how they control us and get us to fall head over heals and set the hook. The tears can be turned off and on as they learn what we respond to and use what works on us. They study us and others and use tactics to keep us emotionally involved. They accuse us of the very things they are doing. They "gas light"use to make us feel crazy. They cheat on us because they can, almost throwing in your face but you did't see it. They manipulate us and others cause its fun and they are bored.

The truth is you have the gift that she does not. Your able to love. That is a gift that no one can take away from you. You don't have to be hurt anymore by her and you are free from the drama and heartache. You are free from her deciding how you are going to emotionally feel that day. You are free from the abuse and threats of suicide and her telling you she was gonna leave. You are free from hiding her behavior. You are free from being lied to, manipulated, cheated on, and emotionally used... .You are free to love yourself finally because you deserve so much better because you are and have the gift of love. Stay strong believe in yourself.

[epicdaydream]

You made me cry. I am so thankful for this board. It's so hard to look back and see all that I did was for nothing. I use to fall asleep after her bc she would ask me to caress her belly or touch her hair. I did that every night for 3 years practically. I never got 1 caress from her. I don't remember being loved. She used to pinch me , bite me or pill my ear and tell me that was "love".

I don't blame anyone but myself... .I volunteered over and over. I could have stopped this but I still don't know why I kept going back. Over and over again. I could storm out and drive 45 mins away but then shed call me and if turn back for her.

Goodnight everyone and thank you.

I feel for you those first days and weeks are really hard. It is hard to grasp that you were involved with someone that does not look at love the same way you do. It is hard to understand that not everyone is good and trust worthy in this world. It just hurts. Now for the good news you have released yourself from someone that was going to continue to emotionally abuse you. Do you know they say if you avoid going to a friend or family members house to avoid a fight with your partner you are being emotionally abuse. That is just the tip of the ice berg you just endured.

We all have felt like gods here on this site if involved with someone with BPD or another personality disorder. That is how they control us and get us to fall head over heals and set the hook. The tears can be turned off and on as they learn what we respond to and use what works on us. They study us and others and use tactics to keep us emotionally involved. They accuse us of the very things they are doing. They "gas light"use to make us feel crazy. They cheat on us because they can, almost throwing in your face but you did't see it. They manipulate us and others cause its fun and they are bored.

The truth is you have the gift that she does not. Your able to love. That is a gift that no one can take away from you. You don't have to be hurt anymore by her and you are free from the drama and heartache. You are free from her deciding how you are going to emotionally feel that day. You are free from the abuse and threats of suicide and her telling you she was gonna leave. You are free from hiding her behavior. You are free from being lied to, manipulated, cheated on, and emotionally used... .You are free to love yourself finally because you deserve so much better because you are and have the gift of love. Stay strong believe in yourself.