My wife and stepson I believe have BPD

[Double-dosebpd]

Hi

I'm new to this site and to the knowledge of BPD. I am newly married to a woman that knocked me off my feet. We dated 5 months and got married it was amazing and passionate and the best time I had ever had. This is my second marriage and I'm her 3. We both professionals and successful at work. Neither of us ever found a reason to slow down at work until we found each other. Her and I both played the field hard in before dating each other and had cheated in prior relationships but it all stopped when the day we met each other. For the first time in my life I knew I loved someone more than my selfish self. I have 2 kids one who just graduated college and another that's on his 3 year of college. She has 2 kids as well an 8yr old and 13 yr old. I get along with her kids fine at least I did until recently. 

when we got married she got disappointed in me for falling behind on my mortgage payment from my house and though it is cauggt up now she has never treated me the same since. She is very critical of me and when she's mad at me she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. But she gets mad over petty thinks I didn't understand. For a couple or weeks she was really depressed and even talked about killing herself and would drive lakes and rivers and think about jumping in while I was at work then tell me about it later. When I would try to encourage her she would just tell me I don't understand when I gave her some space she oils tell me I didn't care when I asked to see someone she would tell me she hates doctors.i called her best friend and asked her what was going on and what I should do to help her and she told me my wife had said it was me that was causing her to go into a depression. I was hurt and angry I had spent an entire yr solely trying to make her happy and I was who she was telling her friend was to blame for her unhappiness. I was frustrated and was sad and feeling helpless and for a couple of days we didn't talk much which seem to cause her to open up. She told me it wasn't my fault and that in the past she had been diagnosed with BPD which I had no idea what that was but we hugged and I went to work and looked it up on YouTube. Ofcourse it was a documentary of a woman who slept around with different men because of BPD (not what I wanted to see)she already keeps contact with old boyfriends and travel to their area for work. So I stopped looking.

I told her that we needed marriage counseling so she would see a councelor she reluctantly agreed and we went . The counselor asked if we loved each other and I emphatically said yes and when she ask my wife she said she doesn't know if she loves me. It broke my heart it seemed I could do nothing right for the woman I love. I was feeling hopeless but I love her so what am I to do. The counselor kiddo grilled her on treating me better and she did for a bit and we stopped seeing the counselor and things slowly slipped back into her being very negative towards me and just picking fights for no reason I had gotten good at just walking away from it and ignoring her but one time she followed me into our room. So we got into it only this time instead of backing down I broke down her negative comments about me and how they weren't true and why but instead of apologizing she moved on to something else and I broke those down One by one as well until she just didn't care and just stuck with what she was mad about and wanted me to apologize. She hit me and hit me and I grabbed her hand Squeezed it hard in complete frustration but i had physically hurt her for he first time. She told me if I ever hurt her again she would leave me and she went to another room and cried.

That's not me, I'm not violet I'm not the bad guy she says I am I used to be a very confident happy go lucky person. We started counseling again and this is now 2 months later and we're also 2 months pregnant. im scared to bring a baby into this world with someone that doesn't know if they love me from one hour to the next. I scared to ask if it's mine even though I wonder because she thinks so irrationally about things and the timeline suggest she was out of town when it happened. I'm scared because her 13 year old son is displaying the same characteristics of his mother and she going through tre same issues with him hat I am with her.

I didn't come from such instability and I try my best to help provide that for my wife and stepchild but I get belittled and disregarded. I've fixed the issues with allowing her to define me. I just don't know how to bring stability to the house .  I love her but she's doesn't I know I can't make her happy and her kids come first but there is no order here now because the 13 yr old runs the house.

I'm ranting I guess but honestly this is the first time I've gotten these things out. I do feel lonely I am afraid, I don't do my job well anymore because I'm worried about her getting made that I worked late or I'm working at home at night. I don't talk to my kids as much because she's irritable after I get off he phone with them. I don't socialize like I used to because she just thinks I'm cheating and I'm afraid she's go cheat on me because she thought I was.

She is beautiful smart kind and can be soo loving I just don't know when and why she is these things only rarely to me theses days.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Radcliff]

Hello Double-doseBPD,

Welcome to the boards.  Many aspects of your story sound familiar.  I hope you find the support you are looking for here.  Though with a job and a large family you have many demands on your time, I would encourage you to invest some time learning about BPD.  Nothing will make this easy, but there are lessons and strategies that can make a difference if you invest the time in learning and practicing them.  I would recommend you read the classic book on the topic, "Walking on Eggshells."  In addition, normally on the right of the page there are learning links.  They appear to have disappeared (perhaps a maintenance issue?) but hopefully will return soon.  Finally, dedicate some time to reading the posts on this board.  I have learned much from reading others' posts, and you will start to see how the board can be a source of support and learning.  Become a regular visitor -- you will find it is worth it.

It sounds like you recognized the seriousness and importance of the incident where your wife hit you, and you hurt her wrist.  This is yet another reason to learn about BPD.  Violence is an example of a boundary violation, and learning about BPD can help you set and maintain boundaries.  Female on male violence places the man in a very difficult situation.  If she hits you, and you hit her, it becomes a two-way fight, and both of you could get in trouble, though as the man you may be considerably more exposed, as the legal system is heavily biased towards protecting women (and though it makes the situation of male victims more difficult, the risk of serious injury to female victims is worse, so the bias is understandable).  Do not retaliate, and withdraw whenever possible.  If she ridicules you for withdrawing, or you feel ashamed to be hit without fighting back, remember, the honor is in keeping every member of your household safe.  And then work hard on prevention tactics using your BPD education, as absorbing a blow to keep everyone else safe is a short term solution, and an awful one at that.

It may not seem too helpful for me to say generally, "go read a ton of stuff and it will be helpful."  You should go do this  but if you can tell us one or two specific situations or issues that you'd like help with, we can point you to the most relevant reading and lessons so you can see some benefit for your investment of time more quickly.