Introduction

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi All,

My exgf of ~3 years just told me a week ago that she wanted to break up with me. She (and her son) were living at my house after she'd been kicked/out evicted. This was a recurring theme. Her son is currently with her parents and has been for a few weeks now. She told me that she was bipolar early on, but I only just now (after a massive shock) learned of her BPD and deeper issues.

Here's my story:
My ex came to me in a time when I was lonely and ready to be loved. She was so infatuated with me that it was intoxicating. Truthfully, I wasn't even interested in a relationship with her. She was just so into me that I could not walk away. This is basically how our relationship started and continued for the first year (we were long-distance for a while, and she would drive 6 hours to see me). We were dating and loyal (at least I know I was) but I knew that it wasn't right and anytime I gathered the strength to try to tell her this she pushed back so hard and with such love and desperation that I was not able to leave. Coincidentally, I was unhappy with career opportunities for my industry in my hometown and decided that I needed to leave. I knew this for a while but struggled to leave home until this moment. I weighed my options, very nearly moving to my first job offer somewhere far away where I'd have been alone. I couldn't pull the trigger. I decided I'd need to either stay in state or move to the state next door, so that I wouldn't be so far from my family and because the exgf sounded devestated that I was moving so far away.

I got my next offer - in the state next door, and in the city that she lived in. She was so elated, and that made me feel happy too. These moments where I granted her happiness that she, according to her recording of her own history, seemed to so unfairly deprived of. I couldn't stop trying to give her this, despite the fact that I did not want to be in this relationship.

So we live in the same city. I immediately begin to feel smothered and this simple feeling extended and spread over the relationship for the next year. There were some things that I, never having truly wanting to be in this relationship, couldn't give her. The worst of these were things that a partner in a normal relationship did deserve - like meeting my parents. Some of them were very distressing for me, like being forced to take photos of my surroundings when I was eating lunch at work to prove that I was not cheating. I tried to leave several times, and each time I was met with such devastation and utter infatuation that I jusy could not. When I tried standing firm, there were threats of suicide.

I felt more and more terrible for letting her down - especially not introducing to my parents (I've always been a bit weird about mentioning romantic partners to my parents - especially here where I was always 'about' to finally break free), so I grit my teeth and addressed it. I introduced them. I began to try imagining a life with her, instead of trying to think of ways to leave. I opened myself up to maybe just dealing with this, and trying to make it work. I thought maybe I didn't know what I had.

Her behaviour had begun on the downturn at the beginning of this second year, though. She was slowly becoming more financially dependent on me, making poor, impulsive decisions, and becoming combative. This time was very difficult, for both of us I'm sure. For a broad perspective, she'd been kicked out of three places in two years, she'd dropped out of school, mounted thousands of dollars worth of tickets, been to jail for a day for said tickets, lost childcare assistance for not working the mininum number of hours, etc... .

All the while, she seemed to be rude and combative with me more more and often (instead of the previous idealization and mirroring from early on). We grew to resent each other, and she was totally dependent on me.

BUT, in all this, I always felt like I had someone who deeply loved me and was infatuated with me - just maybe toned down the near "worshipping" aspect from the beginnig. We jabbed at eachother like an old married couple, I think - just with too many jabs. Anyway, she's living in my house and starting to get more hours at work. We are at eachother's throats a lot because is failing to do menial things like pick up after herself even though I'm paying for her tickets and such. But suddenly, she's just gone. She goes to her friend's house, and doesn't text me a bunch like usual, and then comes back and is still more distant than I could ever imagine she'd be with me. After a few days of this, Indecidento come home from work for my lunch break to try to talk to her and fix this. It felt so wrong. She told me that what she wanted was to break up, but she just couldn't because she needed me financially. She'd said these words before, but this time I knew she meant it.

I'll be honest, part of me was indifferent after all of this suffering. Part of me was very, very sad. She seemed to expect to stay in my house (free) after this, but I told her I couldn't handle that. She moved out in a week. She lied to me about where. It turns out she's moved in with a "friend" from that school she dropped out of. That's where she actually went when she "disappeared" a few days prior. She is now dating him.


I should feel relieved. I didn't really want to start this relationship, I didn't want to continue it, and I actively imagined that she would need to do it - and I wanted it. But to have someone who feels like such a constant, adoring, and loyal partner. To have her just ghost out and immediately become involved with someone who we had talked about before (her extreme jealousy rubbed off on me). It all ended so abruptly and unexpectedly, and I am shell-shocked. So here I am, totally alone (having been isolated by her in this new place) and just trying to make sense of it all.


Thank you for listening, and thank you for this place to share.

[ForwardReady]

Hi All,

My exgf of ~3 years just told me a week ago that she wanted to break up with me. She (and her son) were living at my house after she'd been kicked/out evicted. This was a recurring theme. Her son is currently with her parents and has been for a few weeks now. She told me that she was bipolar early on, but I only just now (after a massive shock) learned of her BPD and deeper issues.

Here's my story:
My ex came to me in a time when I was lonely and ready to be loved. She was so infatuated with me that it was intoxicating. Truthfully, I wasn't even interested in a relationship with her. She was just so into me that I could not walk away. This is basically how our relationship started and continued for the first year (we were long-distance for a while, and she would drive 6 hours to see me). We were dating and loyal (at least I know I was) but I knew that it wasn't right and anytime I gathered the strength to try to tell her this she pushed back so hard and with such love and desperation that I was not able to leave. Coincidentally, I was unhappy with career opportunities for my industry in my hometown and decided that I needed to leave. I knew this for a while but struggled to leave home until this moment. I weighed my options, very nearly moving to my first job offer somewhere far away where I'd have been alone. I couldn't pull the trigger. I decided I'd need to either stay in state or move to the state next door, so that I wouldn't be so far from my family and because the exgf sounded devestated that I was moving so far away.

I got my next offer - in the state next door, and in the city that she lived in. She was so elated, and that made me feel happy too. These moments where I granted her happiness that she, according to her recording of her own history, seemed to so unfairly deprived of. I couldn't stop trying to give her this, despite the fact that I did not want to be in this relationship.

So we live in the same city. I immediately begin to feel smothered and this simple feeling extended and spread over the relationship for the next year. There were some things that I, never having truly wanting to be in this relationship, couldn't give her. The worst of these were things that a partner in a normal relationship did deserve - like meeting my parents. Some of them were very distressing for me, like being forced to take photos of my surroundings when I was eating lunch at work to prove that I was not cheating. I tried to leave several times, and each time I was met with such devastation and utter infatuation that I jusy could not. When I tried standing firm, there were threats of suicide.

I felt more and more terrible for letting her down - especially not introducing to my parents (I've always been a bit weird about mentioning romantic partners to my parents - especially here where I was always 'about' to finally break free), so I grit my teeth and addressed it. I introduced them. I began to try imagining a life with her, instead of trying to think of ways to leave. I opened myself up to maybe just dealing with this, and trying to make it work. I thought maybe I didn't know what I had.

Her behaviour had begun on the downturn at the beginning of this second year, though. She was slowly becoming more financially dependent on me, making poor, impulsive decisions, and becoming combative. This time was very difficult, for both of us I'm sure. For a broad perspective, she'd been kicked out of three places in two years, she'd dropped out of school, mounted thousands of dollars worth of tickets, been to jail for a day for said tickets, lost childcare assistance for not working the mininum number of hours, etc... .

All the while, she seemed to be rude and combative with me more more and often (instead of the previous idealization and mirroring from early on). We grew to resent each other, and she was totally dependent on me.

BUT, in all this, I always felt like I had someone who deeply loved me and was infatuated with me - just maybe toned down the near "worshipping" aspect from the beginnig. We jabbed at eachother like an old married couple, I think - just with too many jabs. Anyway, she's living in my house and starting to get more hours at work. We are at eachother's throats a lot because is failing to do menial things like pick up after herself even though I'm paying for her tickets and such. But suddenly, she's just gone. She goes to her friend's house, and doesn't text me a bunch like usual, and then comes back and is still more distant than I could ever imagine she'd be with me. After a few days of this, Indecidento come home from work for my lunch break to try to talk to her and fix this. It felt so wrong. She told me that what she wanted was to break up, but she just couldn't because she needed me financially. She'd said these words before, but this time I knew she meant it.

I'll be honest, part of me was indifferent after all of this suffering. Part of me was very, very sad. She seemed to expect to stay in my house (free) after this, but I told her I couldn't handle that. She moved out in a week. She lied to me about where. It turns out she's moved in with a "friend" from that school she dropped out of. That's where she actually went when she "disappeared" a few days prior. She is now dating him.


I should feel relieved. I didn't really want to start this relationship, I didn't want to continue it, and I actively imagined that she would need to do it - and I wanted it. But to have someone who feels like such a constant, adoring, and loyal partner. To have her just ghost out and immediately become involved with someone who we had talked about before (her extreme jealousy rubbed off on me). It all ended so abruptly and unexpectedly, and I am shell-shocked. So here I am, totally alone (having been isolated by her in this new place) and just trying to make sense of it all.


Thank you for listening, and thank you for this place to share.

[once removed]

hi ForwardReady and

to have a partner that places you on a pedestal youre not sure you want to be on, and then seemingly turns on a dime, it does feel shell shocking and something like a tornado, huh?

youve come to the right place. we can relate, we can help, and we know that there is hope of getting through this even stronger than ever before. i encourage you to start with the lessons directly to the right of the board. they address many of the common questions so many of us struggle with during and in the aftermath of the relationship, and explains how the bond can become so loaded, and why this hurts in ways we couldnt fathom, as well as tools to address these things, in order for us to emerge stronger and healthier. 

there are elements of your story that i find very much in common with my own. it was a relationship that my heart wasnt completely in either, yet i found myself in the darkest place of despair, my confidence and self esteem crashing, that id ever been in. we jabbed at each other like an old married couple too  .

i also fully grieved my relationship and embraced the recovery process, and i encourage you to do the same.  youve found good company to help you do this.

what led you in the direction of learning about BPD?