i feel like his mom would see i'm not trying to take him from her but she's gaining another person to love and care about her but since no other girl in his life has been like that i think he's skeptical of it and i think his mom would be also... .
its not uncommon for a female romantic partner and the mother of a male romantic partner not to get along in this fashion. in some ways, this sounds like a tug of war; youre not trying to take her son away from her, but you are trying to win the tug of war. you want your partner to not be as enmeshed with his parents, grow up so to speak, and commit to you in a stronger sense.
i think its a losing game of tug of war for you to play and will come back to bite you. in the mean time, it will
disappoint you, and stress you out.
I thought clarifying that he still meant this days after the initial emotion was gone was the right thing to do. He went as far as to ask me to help keep him on track with it when i did clarify it. so to me that is giving his word and then breaking it?
think of a person who goes on a diet and looks to a friend for an accountability partner. friend agrees. friend sees person on diet breaking their diet. friend reminds them of diet. person on diet gets pissy. friend becomes the bad guy.
it happens all the time, because such a request is usually on a whim or an impulse. i dont think its in anyones interest, yours especially, for you to be his accountability partner in this regard. you will become the bad guy.
your best card to play here is to be a desirable and attractive partner, to bear fruit in your own life, that will entice your partner to follow your lead to the point that his home life is simply not what he wants for himself.
I think? EX: i'm never going to go back to that gym again i swear then 2 weeks later he goes back... .to me it's 1 in the same you broke your word... .yes i over reacted to an extent but with the history we have had of him and his word not being stuck too it's like any thing that he goes back on or breaks is like jab in the heart to me the fact that this was involving his family just makes the situation that much more cimplicated but to me if you want me to take your word then you have to keep it on everything... .is that wrong of me?
you have the incite to know that this is a trigger for you, and that will help. thats when we need Wisemind the most.
piggybacking on what
Jessica84 said, if i tell someone im not going to that gym again, i am not making a promise to them; at most im making a promise to myself, if one at all, but there is no personal obligation to the person im telling it to. if the person i told it to took it that way, i would find that an odd interpretation.
you will need to separate these things; you have a valid gripe about him not keeping his word in the past, but you are also expecting him to keep his word in cases it doesnt appear he gave it. people use "i swear" or "i promise", sometimes, as figurative language, like for example, when they are venting about the gym they arent going back to. if i vent to you as a friend and tell you "man that guy is the worst i swear im never speaking to him again", i am not making a promise to you. im venting. i may or may not follow through.
if on the other hand, i make plans with you, and then i tell you i have plans with someone else (breaking those plans) , i am breaking a personal obligation to you.
remove yourself from his plans or lackthereof to separate from his parents. draw boundaries where his parents interfere in your relationship, like his mother interrupting your time together.
He's actually gone as far as saying on multiple occassions that he feels guilty doing anything that brings him joy like being with me because he isn't where he needs to be in life... .that makes me angry but it's like what can i even say to that?
"that must be really hard. does it make you feel trapped?"
i wanted to so badly say there are things you can do now to make the transition less drastic like setting small personal boundaries such as not responding if she calls every hour or not responding to a text unless it's very important... .
those are supportive things to offer him
if he asks for your advice. if he says thats good advice and he will do that, dont take it as a promise to you. he may or may not follow through.
but he doesn't want to see that she does it on purpose,
it may be an obnoxious habit, but is she doing it to sabotage your relationship? hard to say. my mother has a habit where shes talking to you, and youre showing every bit of body language that says youre exiting the conversation, to the point of physically walking out of the room, and just when you hit the edge of the room, without fail, she will keep it going. is she aware shes doing it? probably not. but it reasonably seems that way to the other person when it happens all the time.
it's so easy to tell me no why can't it be with them? ya know? i know fair isn't a word for some with BPD from what i've seen and it really stinks :/
family is different, and i think you are putting yourself in a competition with them that you wont win, trying to establish fairness in terms of how he treats them vs how he treats you. keep the focus on how he treats you, period. my value has always been that if im forced to choose, my friends and family will come before my girlfriend. why? boyfriends and girlfriends generally arent permanent, and they are not family. if you breakup, then all you have is your friends and family, and if you sold them out, you may not have them. when i make a forever commitment of marriage, however, my wife comes before all.
note: that is not to say that if i make plans with a girlfriend, and my friends or family ask to do something with me, that i will break my plans with my girlfriend. im talking generally about where my loyalty lies.
i dont know if your boyfriend has that same value. i do know you dont want to put him in a position of being forced to choose.
I kinda put my foot down last week and asked him if he would be ok with this and please let her know that sundays are the only day we get to spend all day together and you will eat when you get home or you'll have it the next day and you'll be home when you feel it's time for you to do so or let him know ahead of time that she will be cooking so we can plan our day accordingly (or something along those lines). He said he would.
this sounds okay. i wouldnt necessarily tell him what to tell her. when we are in a relationship with someone with BPD especially (this is true in any relationship really) you dont want to fall in the role of, and trigger, the Punitive Parent. communicate your needs and desires and expectations without necessarily telling him how to deal with his parents.
He's 33 it's time.
respectfully, this is not your decision; you cant force someone to grow up at the rate that you expect, and this is a conclusion one has to reach for themselves. it is also especially complicated, they are an enmeshed family. if you were to say something along those lines to him, it would be very shaming. pwBPD feel tremendous shame at not failing to separate/individuate from their FOO. it would only make him feel smaller and less capable, not encourage him. furthermore, seeing it this way can make it easy to see yourself in a one up position.
bottom line? reread the karpman drama triangle article. from what i surmise, from your perspective you are the victim in the triangle; your actions are mostly fixing (rescuing) and this sometimes puts you, from his perspective, in the role of persecutor.
Move to the center. Stop participating as a victim, rescuer or persecutor. Instead, find and hold a center position. The center of the drama triangle contains elements of each corner - it is a combination of sensitivity, compassion, and responsibility - with a solutions focus, even if the solution is retreat.
in order to remove yourself from this dynamic, feel less stress, and cause less stress, focus on the winning/caring triangle, with more of this:
Assert rather than persecute. Instead of the actions of the persecutor, who blames and punishes - give up trying to force or manipulate others to do what you want. Take on the new behaviors of "doing " and "asserting ". Ask for what you want. Say no for what you don't want. Give constructive feedback. Initiate negotiations. Take positive action.
Be caring, but don't overstep. We do not want to let our fears, obligation and guilt to control us or allow us to be manipulated into taking care of another person when it really isn't healthy to do so. Instead of being the rescuer and doing the thinking, taking the lead, doing more than our share, doing more than is asked of us - simply be a supportive, empathetic listener and provide reflection, coaching, and assistance if the person asks and is taking the lead themselves. It is important to recognize the other person as an equal (not one-down) and give the other person the respect of letting them take care of themselves, solve their own problems, and deal with their feelings as they choose. Remember, the rescuer has the most pivotal position on the drama triangle - you are in the strongest position, at least initially, to redirect the dynamic into healthy territory.
