Hi there
It is a good question you propose. We tend to reinforce some bad behavior without wanting to. Then we feel manipulated. I think you have a great insight of your situation, and as you just only learned about BPD, you'll find ways to improve in no time.
Does she think she has something? It would be great if she knew where that need of reasurance and her response with some kind of hostility comes from. You are going to work to improve it, but she could do, once she learn that she's not really mad at you, even if it feels that way.
OK, my GF does that silent treatment, but whan she really wants is to smack me, throw and break things. So I know the silence is her trying to control her emotions. And it is best to leave her alone (but not go far). She ends it, and I don't apologize (used to do it non stop).
Your case is different, I think. If this has been going on for years, it has become a pattern. She gets something out of her behaviour. You were willing to do what she demanded, at the beginning, but you are seeing that it doesn't work in the long run. Worse, she might need more and more to get the same effect.
As you guess, this is not helping you, not her, not the relationship. And to break that pattern is not going to be easy. But it will pay off in the end.
1st, you need to ask yourself what are you willing to do and what you are not. Set a limit. For instance: I can give you time and space to deal with what you are feeling, but I'm not going to beg or to say it's my fault if that's not what I think.
The more sure you are about this limit, and the calmer you are when you sit down to think about it. The better you can comunicate it to your wife with compasion and validation of her feelings. This is something that is going to be good for both of you. It is not something that you do against her. She is not going to like it, though. And the first times you put in in practice, she's going to rebel, and it will look worse than before. You have to be sure and be the constant one.
Have some sentences that you can repeat to her when she complains. "I love you the same, I really don't like when we don't talk, and you'll make me very happy when you decide to resume the comunication between us. I'll be right here."
You can say "I'm sorry you are upset, or -you don't feel comfortable talking right now, or -you are hurt... ." But don't take the blame if you did nothing. Better if you can repeat her own words: Don't say "angry" if she says she's "upset".
Be sure to know she is suffering. Don't blame her or shame her. Don't justify or give excuses. Talk about facts and repeat validation (she has the right to feel unhappy) and what's happening (You two are not talking, and you don't like it, because you love her). Take a deep breath before answering her, and think if what you are going to say is a judgement of her or of yourself. No judgements, just facts.
Tell us how it goes, with a concrete example maybe people here can give you more options.
Best of luck!
