Introduction - And Advice?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone,

I am writing here hoping I can perhaps get some advice dealing with the emotional rollercoaster that I go through on a semi-regular basis since separating from my ex (who almost certainly has at least BPD and possibly a dissociative disorder) about 10 months ago. I admit that I still feel a lot of shame (whether or not this is warranted) for being so emotionally affected after such a long passage of time. I'm currently going through a relapse phase (after a rather okay 2 months) so I thought I should post here. I am also getting some therapy for what I suffered.

My story is somewhat similar to some that I have read here - with perhaps a few twists and differences. Same whirlwind romance where I thought I met the love of my life - in fact at one point I felt guilt in the early stages of the relationship where I felt I wasn't loving her as deeply as she loved me. She trusted me to a ridiculous degree - she told me of her perfect storm of a childhood 2 weeks in, but only in riddles. It took a lot of careful listening and joining the dots to piece together the rather tragic picture of her life which involved everything involving parental neglect to domestic abuse, sexual abuse and severe bullying/social rejection.

Our relationship was great on the surface - we never once had a real argument. I gave in every time she seemed to act up and she quite strangely seemed to have some self-awareness about how she behaved. She had this obsession with doing the 'rational' and 'reasonable' thing which really was one reason why I decided to stay throughout the pain of walking on eggshells - I thought she might one day finally realize the rational and reasonable thing would be to get counselling or therapy. She hated herself immensely though and it actually frightened me how much she hated herself. Regardless, I tried being as encouraging as I could (it really did consume most of my energy) and she seemed to appreciate it. Yet I would constantly be in a hell of my own as she would suddenly claim that she doesn't deserve me and I should leave her, then later cry and make me promise never to leave her. I was quite silly in hindsight - I promised her I wouldn't leave.

She never admitted she had a problem until towards the final months of our relationship - but that was when I thought she was ready to face it. After admitting she needed help, she would often cryptically tell me that I had to 'stop her from running' or that I had to 'force her to do what is good for her'. This would be juxtaposed by constant cries that I was 'controlling' or 'suffocating' her when I did something simple like offering to pick her up after work. Providing the 'space' she desired would lead to her lamenting that I wasn't encouraging or supporting her enough.

This all ended on the day I flew halfway around the world to join her on her last year of university study (I had just graduated from the same university), turning down job offers and opportunities because she could not stand to have me away from her even for a year. 'If you leave what is going to happen to me?' I felt a lot of emotional distancing but just two days before my flight, she reassured me and asked me to join her. She inexplicably blew up the day I landed and met her in a way I had never seen before. It was... .surreal - and my brain still cannot fully unpack it.

We had arranged to have a chat about her issues (at her request) and she kept telling me I needed to help her find out what was going on, and how to help her (because I was apparently the only one that could). So I did - and when that chat actually happened, my ex simply blew up and wanted to end the relationship. I dropped the 'trump card' of reason - she always did what was reasonable - only for her to loudly exclaim that she has never been reasonable in her life. She claimed her rhetoric of reason was only to disguise the fact that shes wildly emotional and does ridiculous things, 'justifying' them after the fact. She broke down and said her brain does ridiculous things, warning me that 'you will always be the bad guy because I am always right'. She then made me leave claiming that she still 'wanted to be friends'.

I guess this is where my misery begins (or continues). I will not lie that I at first felt like I was being released from my bonds - I promised I wouldn't leave and I didn't break it - she freed me from her hell. But then I started to miss her - and I recalled the strange self-awareness she had; the awareness that something was wrong. The image of her begging me to save her from herself in one of those brief moments of clarity is something I doubt I will ever forget. This led to guilt - how was I to help this girl I loved (and perhaps still love?).

Meanwhile, I felt like I was losing my mind because she was running a completely different story. She seems like a kind and naive girl to most people and she spent the ensuing months painting me as a villain. She played the public role of a loving daughter to her (abusive) parents, a perfect (but sometimes misunderstood) friend all while vilifying me implicitly or explicitly. Things that happened were pulled out of context - she conveniently deleted her confusing/gas-lighting behavior while recounting my reactions to our friends (and even my family!) For instance, I reacted to one of her random disappearances when we were meant to meet by calling her rather frantically - she started spreading that I was controlling because I called her multiple times when she was out! She claimed that I was sexually inappropriate towards her (an ostensibly chaste and innocent girl) when I had actually actively tried to stop her from initiating intimacy (knowing she gets triggered). She would claim to 'still want to be friends' but then when we met up (twice after the breakup) would privately tell me it was impossible but I had to be patient. She would claim in public that she was 'happy and healthy' then on those two private occasions confess she was insane and needed help. While she repeated her 'controlling' story over and over - she told me that I didn't control her enough!

I don't know how to feel. I utterly hate and despise her for what she has done (she gaslighted my family into thinking I'm insane and cost me a number of friends) yet I pity her. I tried to reach out to her to quite civilly ask her to come to her senses but she simply implies I am the one with mental disorders (frankly I probably do at this point!) I have managed to acquire some sort of temporary stability at times but I continue to relapse (as I have in the past two weeks) on a semi-regular basis.

The following thought processes seem to crop up in my head:

1. She trusted me - am I meant to push through and get her the help she needs? She always said I had to force her to her senses if she ever started getting self-destructive.
2. I am jealous - why does she get to live an (ostensibly) happy life with her family and friends while I face emotional ruin? Why do the people who hurt her get her best while I get treated like an absolute monster?
3. Resentment - I never hurt her and I was always patient with her. Even she appreciated this fact - why do I then deserve such treatment? I did not even get any closure! The last time we spoke face-to-face she told me she had issues (before claiming everything was okay to everyone else and insinuating I am insane)!
4. Anger. She hurt me and my family a lot with her behavior. She gaslighted my family members playing the rational good girl and claimed I was suicidal and mentally unsound. Sometimes I really want to inflict upon her what she inflicted on me! I am ashamed - but I do think about getting her back at times.
5. Confusion. Some things I don't even believe happened but I did keep a diary when the relationship started going south. In fact, even when it was fine I kept a diary since I liked telling her about the things she did that made me happy (to help her self-esteem). So some behaviors... .I genuinely... .I am at a loss. I have read a lot on BPD and other disorders and spoken to a number of therapists (initially on her behalf and at her request) - all have returned a preliminary diagnosis of BPD and possibly DID. Yet I am still confused - how does the mental process even work?
6. Pity. I know what happened to her. It hurts me to know what she went through. Sometimes I still have nightmares of a scared little girl going through what she did.
7. Envy. Close to jealousy - but of something I probably only dare admit anonymously online. I am sometimes envious of her disorders (especially if she does have DID). She has the ability to wreck havoc, destroy interpersonal relationships and feel no guilt or pain. She can live in the moment and be happy while leaving me in the smoking wreck of her own creation. It really shames me to admit this and I hate myself for even typing this out. But is it really so bad to be a human wrecking ball if you are impervious to pain, guilt or regret?
8. Injustice. I had a lot going for me before I met her. Now I am an emotionally damaged young man with serious trust issues. I don't know if I can ever enter another relationship again - I don't want my baggage to hurt the next girl I meet.
9. Sadness. I really do miss the good times (however few they were). I recall the look on her face and how proud I was of her when she finally told me she wanted to stand up to her past. I can't forget it - I still have nightmares. I feel like I have let her down by not successfully getting her help. She told me she couldn't face it alone... .

Any advice is appreciated. I apologize for the rather long post.

[distressdmonster]

Hi everyone,

I am writing here hoping I can perhaps get some advice dealing with the emotional rollercoaster that I go through on a semi-regular basis since separating from my ex (who almost certainly has at least BPD and possibly a dissociative disorder) about 10 months ago. I admit that I still feel a lot of shame (whether or not this is warranted) for being so emotionally affected after such a long passage of time. I'm currently going through a relapse phase (after a rather okay 2 months) so I thought I should post here. I am also getting some therapy for what I suffered.

My story is somewhat similar to some that I have read here - with perhaps a few twists and differences. Same whirlwind romance where I thought I met the love of my life - in fact at one point I felt guilt in the early stages of the relationship where I felt I wasn't loving her as deeply as she loved me. She trusted me to a ridiculous degree - she told me of her perfect storm of a childhood 2 weeks in, but only in riddles. It took a lot of careful listening and joining the dots to piece together the rather tragic picture of her life which involved everything involving parental neglect to domestic abuse, sexual abuse and severe bullying/social rejection.

Our relationship was great on the surface - we never once had a real argument. I gave in every time she seemed to act up and she quite strangely seemed to have some self-awareness about how she behaved. She had this obsession with doing the 'rational' and 'reasonable' thing which really was one reason why I decided to stay throughout the pain of walking on eggshells - I thought she might one day finally realize the rational and reasonable thing would be to get counselling or therapy. She hated herself immensely though and it actually frightened me how much she hated herself. Regardless, I tried being as encouraging as I could (it really did consume most of my energy) and she seemed to appreciate it. Yet I would constantly be in a hell of my own as she would suddenly claim that she doesn't deserve me and I should leave her, then later cry and make me promise never to leave her. I was quite silly in hindsight - I promised her I wouldn't leave.

She never admitted she had a problem until towards the final months of our relationship - but that was when I thought she was ready to face it. After admitting she needed help, she would often cryptically tell me that I had to 'stop her from running' or that I had to 'force her to do what is good for her'. This would be juxtaposed by constant cries that I was 'controlling' or 'suffocating' her when I did something simple like offering to pick her up after work. Providing the 'space' she desired would lead to her lamenting that I wasn't encouraging or supporting her enough.

This all ended on the day I flew halfway around the world to join her on her last year of university study (I had just graduated from the same university), turning down job offers and opportunities because she could not stand to have me away from her even for a year. 'If you leave what is going to happen to me?' I felt a lot of emotional distancing but just two days before my flight, she reassured me and asked me to join her. She inexplicably blew up the day I landed and met her in a way I had never seen before. It was... .surreal - and my brain still cannot fully unpack it.

We had arranged to have a chat about her issues (at her request) and she kept telling me I needed to help her find out what was going on, and how to help her (because I was apparently the only one that could). So I did - and when that chat actually happened, my ex simply blew up and wanted to end the relationship. I dropped the 'trump card' of reason - she always did what was reasonable - only for her to loudly exclaim that she has never been reasonable in her life. She claimed her rhetoric of reason was only to disguise the fact that shes wildly emotional and does ridiculous things, 'justifying' them after the fact. She broke down and said her brain does ridiculous things, warning me that 'you will always be the bad guy because I am always right'. She then made me leave claiming that she still 'wanted to be friends'.

I guess this is where my misery begins (or continues). I will not lie that I at first felt like I was being released from my bonds - I promised I wouldn't leave and I didn't break it - she freed me from her hell. But then I started to miss her - and I recalled the strange self-awareness she had; the awareness that something was wrong. The image of her begging me to save her from herself in one of those brief moments of clarity is something I doubt I will ever forget. This led to guilt - how was I to help this girl I loved (and perhaps still love?).

Meanwhile, I felt like I was losing my mind because she was running a completely different story. She seems like a kind and naive girl to most people and she spent the ensuing months painting me as a villain. She played the public role of a loving daughter to her (abusive) parents, a perfect (but sometimes misunderstood) friend all while vilifying me implicitly or explicitly. Things that happened were pulled out of context - she conveniently deleted her confusing/gas-lighting behavior while recounting my reactions to our friends (and even my family!) For instance, I reacted to one of her random disappearances when we were meant to meet by calling her rather frantically - she started spreading that I was controlling because I called her multiple times when she was out! She claimed that I was sexually inappropriate towards her (an ostensibly chaste and innocent girl) when I had actually actively tried to stop her from initiating intimacy (knowing she gets triggered). She would claim to 'still want to be friends' but then when we met up (twice after the breakup) would privately tell me it was impossible but I had to be patient. She would claim in public that she was 'happy and healthy' then on those two private occasions confess she was insane and needed help. While she repeated her 'controlling' story over and over - she told me that I didn't control her enough!

I don't know how to feel. I utterly hate and despise her for what she has done (she gaslighted my family into thinking I'm insane and cost me a number of friends) yet I pity her. I tried to reach out to her to quite civilly ask her to come to her senses but she simply implies I am the one with mental disorders (frankly I probably do at this point!) I have managed to acquire some sort of temporary stability at times but I continue to relapse (as I have in the past two weeks) on a semi-regular basis.

The following thought processes seem to crop up in my head:

1. She trusted me - am I meant to push through and get her the help she needs? She always said I had to force her to her senses if she ever started getting self-destructive.
2. I am jealous - why does she get to live an (ostensibly) happy life with her family and friends while I face emotional ruin? Why do the people who hurt her get her best while I get treated like an absolute monster?
3. Resentment - I never hurt her and I was always patient with her. Even she appreciated this fact - why do I then deserve such treatment? I did not even get any closure! The last time we spoke face-to-face she told me she had issues (before claiming everything was okay to everyone else and insinuating I am insane)!
4. Anger. She hurt me and my family a lot with her behavior. She gaslighted my family members playing the rational good girl and claimed I was suicidal and mentally unsound. Sometimes I really want to inflict upon her what she inflicted on me! I am ashamed - but I do think about getting her back at times.
5. Confusion. Some things I don't even believe happened but I did keep a diary when the relationship started going south. In fact, even when it was fine I kept a diary since I liked telling her about the things she did that made me happy (to help her self-esteem). So some behaviors... .I genuinely... .I am at a loss. I have read a lot on BPD and other disorders and spoken to a number of therapists (initially on her behalf and at her request) - all have returned a preliminary diagnosis of BPD and possibly DID. Yet I am still confused - how does the mental process even work?
6. Pity. I know what happened to her. It hurts me to know what she went through. Sometimes I still have nightmares of a scared little girl going through what she did.
7. Envy. Close to jealousy - but of something I probably only dare admit anonymously online. I am sometimes envious of her disorders (especially if she does have DID). She has the ability to wreck havoc, destroy interpersonal relationships and feel no guilt or pain. She can live in the moment and be happy while leaving me in the smoking wreck of her own creation. It really shames me to admit this and I hate myself for even typing this out. But is it really so bad to be a human wrecking ball if you are impervious to pain, guilt or regret?
8. Injustice. I had a lot going for me before I met her. Now I am an emotionally damaged young man with serious trust issues. I don't know if I can ever enter another relationship again - I don't want my baggage to hurt the next girl I meet.
9. Sadness. I really do miss the good times (however few they were). I recall the look on her face and how proud I was of her when she finally told me she wanted to stand up to her past. I can't forget it - I still have nightmares. I feel like I have let her down by not successfully getting her help. She told me she couldn't face it alone... .

Any advice is appreciated. I apologize for the rather long post.

[once removed]

hi distressedmonster and

such a volatile and turbulent relationship can have a deep and long lasting impact. i dont think theres any shame in that. i was in a similar place around ten months out, with anger, and feelings of injustice. if you look back, would you say progress has been made? i think getting some therapy is a great idea, and comes highly recommended around here.

After admitting she needed help, she would often cryptically tell me that I had to 'stop her from running' or that I had to 'force her to do what is good for her'. This would be juxtaposed by constant cries that I was 'controlling' or 'suffocating' her when I did something simple like offering to pick her up after work. Providing the 'space' she desired would lead to her lamenting that I wasn't encouraging or supporting her enough.

one of the most surreal things in the aftermath of these relationships is the picture that our exes, during the relationship, were on a very different page, with struggles resurfacing that had been there for years before we entered the picture, and not only did they struggle to communicate it to us, but struggled to make sense of it let alone have control over it themselves. this often manifests in push/pull behavior, pleas for saving, things generally being in a state of "not good enough" or "too good". it tends to be very disorienting for those of us on the receiving end.

She claimed her rhetoric of reason was only to disguise the fact that shes wildly emotional and does ridiculous things, 'justifying' them after the fact. She broke down and said her brain does ridiculous things, warning me that 'you will always be the bad guy because I am always right'. She then made me leave claiming that she still 'wanted to be friends'.

it sounds like she had a level of self awareness, yet still struggled mightily to facilitate a change. i can understand why that moment would leave a profound impression on you.

when you say you relapsed in the past two weeks, what do you mean?

[JaxDK]

I have managed to acquire some sort of temporary stability at times but I continue to relapse (as I have in the past two weeks) on a semi-regular basis.

The following thought processes seem to crop up in my head:

1. She trusted me - am I meant to push through and get her the help she needs? She always said I had to force her to her senses if she ever started getting self-destructive.
2. I am jealous - why does she get to live an (ostensibly) happy life with her family and friends while I face emotional ruin? Why do the people who hurt her get her best while I get treated like an absolute monster?
3. Resentment - I never hurt her and I was always patient with her. Even she appreciated this fact - why do I then deserve such treatment? I did not even get any closure! The last time we spoke face-to-face she told me she had issues (before claiming everything was okay to everyone else and insinuating I am insane)!
4. Anger. She hurt me and my family a lot with her behavior. She gaslighted my family members playing the rational good girl and claimed I was suicidal and mentally unsound. Sometimes I really want to inflict upon her what she inflicted on me! I am ashamed - but I do think about getting her back at times.
5. Confusion. Some things I don't even believe happened but I did keep a diary when the relationship started going south. In fact, even when it was fine I kept a diary since I liked telling her about the things she did that made me happy (to help her self-esteem). So some behaviors... .I genuinely... .I am at a loss. I have read a lot on BPD and other disorders and spoken to a number of therapists (initially on her behalf and at her request) - all have returned a preliminary diagnosis of BPD and possibly DID. Yet I am still confused - how does the mental process even work?
6. Pity. I know what happened to her. It hurts me to know what she went through. Sometimes I still have nightmares of a scared little girl going through what she did.
7. Envy. Close to jealousy - but of something I probably only dare admit anonymously online. I am sometimes envious of her disorders (especially if she does have DID). She has the ability to wreck havoc, destroy interpersonal relationships and feel no guilt or pain. She can live in the moment and be happy while leaving me in the smoking wreck of her own creation. It really shames me to admit this and I hate myself for even typing this out. But is it really so bad to be a human wrecking ball if you are impervious to pain, guilt or regret?
8. Injustice. I had a lot going for me before I met her. Now I am an emotionally damaged young man with serious trust issues. I don't know if I can ever enter another relationship again - I don't want my baggage to hurt the next girl I meet.
9. Sadness. I really do miss the good times (however few they were). I recall the look on her face and how proud I was of her when she finally told me she wanted to stand up to her past. I can't forget it - I still have nightmares. I feel like I have let her down by not successfully getting her help. She told me she couldn't face it alone... .

Any advice is appreciated. I apologize for the rather long post.

1. No, it isn't your responsibility to fix or help her. You can't force somebody to get help or use force to help them. I understand the guilt but you have to let go of letting her down. It is too much responsibility for you to carry.
2. It's the nature of the disorder. Splitting people to protect themselves as a defense mechanism. Something beyond their control and yours. You may be split white again in the future and her family black again. It can easily flip flop.
3. Resent the disorder. It can be hard to differentiate the person from BPD but everything you have gone through is deeply rooted in her disorder. The push/pull, go away don't leave me, the sabotaging and abuse all comes from core trauma of fear of abandonment, intimacy and fear of being alone.
4. Anger can be a tool to let go of her or to protect you from a possible recycle down the road but at some point you have to let go of it. She is a damaged person and acting out towards your family is also a defense mechanism to prevent you from doing it first (in her mind). You are a threat to her with your intimate knowledge of her dysfunction. By accusing you of being dysfunctional she projects herself, in order to do damage control.
5. pwBPD acts out of fear, shame and low self esteem. They fear intimacy which is where the push/pull comes into play. They fear abandonment so they sabotage and break up or makes you break up with them. Their thinking process doesn't work like ours and they have triggers you don't know about until you trigger them. Their automatic defense mechanisms distorts their sense of reality. What they feel becomes fact.
6. We should feel sorry for them. Their core trauma (C-PTSD) is not unlike what people who endured torture has gone through. They are really broken people. Their emotional development is stuck at an infantile stage. This is something they have to struggle with all their lives even if they get help.
7. There's nothing to envy. Hurting people that loves us is not something we should wish for ever. Sure it would be nice not to feel anything after a breakup but we have a chance to grow from it, learn, better ourselves. That's what life is about. They are stuck and unable to grow the same way.
8. You should consider therapy. It's not uncommon to catch something, being with a person with PD. PTSD, Unhealthy Narcissism, BPD fleas, depression, physical ailments etc. have been reported in non's being in abusive relationships.
9. Sadness is a natural state of the grieving process. It will follow all the way to the acceptance stage. Realize the good parts of her was mostly her mirroring you. It was not the real her. She doesn't have a core self. She uses partners to form her own identity and reflects in them. Her true self is the chaos she has inside.

I'm 3 months out of my relationship and I'm still not over her completely. My ex lies between mild and medium perfectly able to have a functioning relationship with the right guy. I wasn't that guy. I was too balanced to put up with her.


My advice is to try and stop focusing on her and start focusing on you. Show compassion for yourself. You sound like a great guy you really shouldn't punish yourself like this. Try and work on healing and loving yourself again. This site offers a lot of advice on how to move on and to get some perspective. You should read as much as you can.