I am hopelessly in love with a woman with BPD. Maybe I am the crazy one after all.
eleven days to recover from a turbulent seven year relationship is like a grain of sand. at that point, i hadnt learned about BPD, my anxiety was off the charts and constant, i was ruminating non stop, and i was imagining some fantastical reasons for why wed even broken up. it was a dark time. i dont mean to scare you, and everyone recovers at their own rate, but i know that it helped me to accept that this would be difficult - maybe one of the most difficult things id ever face, there would be extreme ups and downs, and that it matter of factly would get better, but it was going to take some time and effort.
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”. The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned. Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this. We also need to question our own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type of “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer? More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival. If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.
it is not crazy to want to help her; many of us go through that feeling, for many reasons, not the least of which is that we loved our partners. it is, however, a form of attachment that can keep us stuck. it is the bargaining stage of grieving, in which we try to control the outcome. grieving hurts - i went into a deep, and different kind of depression when i decided that the relationship was over for good, but i healed, and i emerged with a sense of inner peace about everything that went down. if i could boil down to one bit of advice for every member here, it would be to fully grieve the relationship.
and i understand that doesnt happen until one is ready. in the mean time, i encourage you to work the lessons here, to the side of the board, and practice healthy grieving, supplemented by good knowledge (knowledge is power, after all).
hang in there. expect that recovery will not be eternity, but neither will it be linear.
