Repelled by actions of BP

[Sheila3636]

My BP is on NC and I don't know whether to try again or not. The sex was incredible. I've been looking at myself and am wondering if I'm a sex addict. I don't know if either of my parents had a PD, I don't think so, but my mother was chronically depressed and she didn't show up a lot emotionally so there's probably neglect.

But despite that part of us working, he's really not a healthy person and at times I find him repulsive, not physically but personally.

We've been on NC before and I've wanted to stay in touch but this time I'm thinking I should let him go, if I can be strong enough.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Shiela3636, I'm sorry that you find yourself in this quandary.  How long have you been together?  How did you discover that he has BPD?  If you try again, what makes you think the outcome might be different?  It seems like a big part of your r/s was your sex life, yet I wonder if good sex can sustain a r/s that is otherwise problematic.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Sheila3636]

Hey Jim, it's been about a year. Like a lot of people here there was a normal, fun period lasted a few months then the mood swings started. I'm not sure he's BP - not diagnosed, doesn't think he has a problem. It's all me of course. It's not exactly abuse but he's really obnoxious, always right about everything and he criticizes me. At first he thought I was all he ever wanted. Familiar huh.

I don't think it would be different, but also not sure I could say no to him if he wanted back in.

Is there such a thing as borderline narcissist? At times he seems to hate himself and others he thinks he's perfect and no one else on planet earth is his equal. He's utterly the center of the univeres.

[Sheila3636]

I've been reading Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift of Fear." It's really good. A lot of it is about violent people, which doesn't apply to my man anyways but he has really good advice about getting rid of someone. The chapter I'm on is about dating people breaking up and then being stalked. He says if someone calls you and leaves messages 30 times and you ignore him 30 times then he calls a 31st and you return that call, it's a way of reinforcing and telling the guy (girl) that persistence is the key. I get stuff now I didn't get before.

[Lucky Jim]

Nice work, Sheila.  Sure, I think a lot of those w/BPD are self-centered with little regard for the feelings of others, which one could view as narcissistic.  Be careful about that "not exactly abuse," which suggests to me that you may need to clarify your Boundaries, which you can read more about under the Tools button above.

LJ

[Sheila3636]

Nice work, Sheila.  Sure, I think a lot of those w/BPD are self-centered with little regard for the feelings of others, which one could view as narcissistic.  Be careful about that "not exactly abuse," which suggests to me that you may need to clarify your Boundaries, which you can read more about under the Tools button above.

LJ

I hear ya. He criticises which we all do sometimes, but his can be nasty. He'll compare me with his ex which I don't do to him. She was very athletic so when I come back from the gym he won't mention her, he'll just say you only did this or that time or machine? And make a face. He expresses contempt a lot, sometimes in words but mostly in his attitude. That's why I say, not abuse but disrespect.

I try to keep mention of ex's rare, and then I don't say awful things about them but neither do I talk in glowing terms. It's common sense if you care about your SO's feelings, which he not only does not care, but he likes to dig in and see if he can hurt me. Like it's a sport for him.

I'm finding it easier to have NC every day that goes by. This whole thing, I'm burned out. And there's lots of sex to be had if that's what I want. I'm going out with a friend at work who's been, we've been flirting for months and I felt guilty but given my bf's vaporising (third time). It's just happy hour and maybe it'll lead to something else.

Thanks for listening, although I think about him a lot still this is a good time to move on. Maybe bf's found someone else and I dodged a bullet. 

[Tattered Heart]

Is there such a thing as borderline narcissist? At times he seems to hate himself and others he thinks he's perfect and no one else on planet earth is his equal. He's utterly the center of the univeres.

I heard this term for the first time on a podcast a couple weeks ago. The way it was described a borderline narcissist will switch between the two, depending on the situation. I've looked for more info on this and have not been able to find anything else about this combination.

[Sheila3636]

I heard this term for the first time on a podcast a couple weeks ago. The way it was described a borderline narcissist will switch between the two, depending on the situation. I've looked for more info on this and have not been able to find anything else about this combination.

Hi Tattered, I just found some articles on BP/NP combined. I didn't think we're allowed to post links but if you look you'll find them.

The NP is more cold in the way they cut ties and move on to "fresh supply".

I think I've just figured out my bf. He's got both, but probably even more NP than BP. He was afraid and ruled by fear of being rejected, but he also has shown a sadistic streak. There's a coldness to him that literally makes my skin crawl, I couldn't put my finger on it but I think I get it now. When he needed something he was all warm, but when I needed something, cold cold.

There wasn't a whole list of obvious things he did, but it was more my sense of him. Times when I looked him and thought geez he reminds me of a reptile.

Wow, much more resolve never to have contact with him again. Ick. But that's good.

Did you have an experience like this Tattered? Sorry I didn't read your story, will look for your other posts... .

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks for listening, although I think about him a lot still this is a good time to move on. Maybe bf's found someone else and I dodged a bullet.  cool

You're welcome.  It's normal to think a lot about one's BPD Ex, yet I agree that this is a good time for you to move on.  Yup, you dodged a bullet.   

LJ