Can the r/s not just last but actually be a fulfilling place

[spacecadet]

I posted this elsewhere but it seems to have gotten lost so... .trying here.

If a person with BPD is somewhere on the road to recovery... .has insights, makes an effort to regulate themselves, keep structure in their life etc. And possesses qualities (BP and other attributes) that work with a non's own attributes and issues, can the r/s not just last but actually be a fulfilling place? Yes/no questions but please elaborate.

Understood that dips and bad patches will happen. But for those who make the effort, is it overall a place where the drama does not overshadow the good but the good predominates, over time with practice and effort from both? If yes then how is it so, given the depth of the feeling of brokenness within the BP. I've been reading threads written by people wBP and it sounds like they live a day-to-day nightmare.

How can they feel love, give love, when their needs and their pain are so overwhelming?

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[Tattered Heart]

I would think that if they are on the road to working towards recovery then it is possible that a healthy relationship could continue. Just like cancer can go into remission, BPD can too. There may be times of occasional "flare ups" but if the pwBPD is committed to changing behavior, thinking patterns, and working through their own wounds, a type of healing can occur. It may not be a permanent decrease in behavior, but enough that both people can find happiness.

My H and I went through a period of 1 year where things were wonderful. We had hardly any fights or blow ups. It was oddly peacefuly and I remember being very happy during that period of our lives.

[pearlsw]

Hi sed2011,

In my case I think it takes a lot of effort some days, but I think a certain level of peace and fulfillment can be attained. I've had to adjust my expectations and assumptions about relationships entirely. I do not have as much daily anger and rage directed at me as many though, but I think letting go of lots of assumptions about relationships has helped. Some of this is very subtle personal work. Sure, I gave him a lot and I thought I was giving without expectation, but I wasn't always. I had expectations of his behavior and I had to make sense of those. Which were fair and which weren't? Which took his health issues into account and which didn't? When could I take pressure off of him? When I do have to put some kind of pressure on him how can I do that in a managed way that is always goal oriented and not more painful for him? Talking to him in a healing way helps heal him and make his and our life easier.

My h was just praising me yesterday, it was such a nice out of the blue compliment, for all I do to make our daily lives enjoyable. It's mostly just me making an effort to be pleasant and funny. We do a lot of joking and laughing. He also likes to be doted on a bit. Feeling very cared for makes him feel secure. I am a little more independent, but I adjust to what his expressed needs are. At times I get worn out, that's for sure, and I wish I had more time to myself to recharge, but... .I am hopeful we can stretch out the more peaceful phases. It is hard knowing that the dysregulation is going to come sooner or later. I still wish I had a better approach to that, but I think there is no one size fits all approach to that. I really see something come over him, his mind becomes very foggy, and he is simply not himself. And the truth is I have no back up help in this country and my family are many time zones away. I'm brave though. I don't like the shock and terror of that, but I'm surviving that piece too.

Anyway, he is getting better at responding when I speak with comforting words as well towards me. He is at least willing to learn and try, but I think that came about because of how much I recreated the whole vibe. I'm not saying love conquers all, it doesn't, but it can be a very healing force. It takes a lot of discipline on my part, a real effort to watch the way I behave in every detail, but I'm fine with that. Overall it makes me feel happier and more in control of my life to know that just focusing on myself can make a visible difference in his ability to stay more balanced.

[isilme]

I've had to adjust my expectations and assumptions about relationships entirely

Yes.  Yes it can be fulfilling, but we need to assess the relationship, our limitations, and our SOs' limitations.  Many times I liken BPD to another condition or disability that is more easily seen - like if H had no legs, I'd have to immediately accept his physical limitations as part of the package.  Mountain climbing may still be possible, but it's a heck of a lot more difficult and takes a lot more care and planning.

BPD is an emotional disability.  I have one too - I am co-dependent.  I have to fight against MY need to have everyone else happy so I can be happy, and to allow H to have his emotions and not feel I need to fix them or accept them as mine.  I have had to work on ME as a person, to be myself instead of an enmeshed part of H.

We have been together 21 years come May.  About 10 of those years I had no clue what was happening, and it took me getting ready to leave to find this site, give the tools a go, and I am so glad I did.  H has managed in baby steps to improve.  I can tell he is trying within his capacity to try.  Yes, it is always going to be on me to do more day to day - he is just wired poorly to handle stress and responsibility, but he has stepped up his game amazingly over the years.  He went from a forever college guy who dropped out of school and had trouble holding on to a job to working full time amidst some chronic pain and health issues, and even workplace abuse. 

as I worked on me, and my own responses, some of the triggers that would lead to rage backed down.  As I stop (still working on it) JADEing as much, arguments last less time, or don't really start.  We enjoy our quiet time together, and I finally feel like someone important to him, even if he will always have days when BPD takes control and he flies off the handle.

I feel fulfilled - it's not a Hallmark Movie, but for real life, I think we've conquered some pretty high mountains.

[Chosen]

Being with a uBPDh who doesn't realise he has any issues and telling myself that my relationship can be fulfilling, I guess I'd better say that if the person has insights and self-realisation, then the relationship can definitely be fulfilling and somewhat healthy!

Because relationships are not binary- they are not just "normal" or "abnormal", "functional" or "dysfunctional".  I think we all learn how to adapt to one another, disorders or not.  It is arguably harder being in a relationship with a pwBPD, and we do have to work hard at it- I would argue that in most times we as "nons" try much harder than the pwBPDs, even if they are seeking treatment (some people may not understand and just tell us to leave the pwBPDs because relationships shouldn't be so hard, but we stay for our own reasons).  So we can't really compare our relationships with other "normal" relationships.

How can they feel love, give love, when their needs and their pain are so overwhelming?

Again, I think we have to let go of certain expectations when in a relationship with a pwBPD.  NOT in the sense that "if I stay in this relationship, I will never be happy, I will just survive it and cannot expect anything more", since if you're really just hoping to "survive" the relationship then you're starting off wrong anyway (in my opinion), and will have less motivation for trying to make it fulfilling and happy.  However, you will have to radically accept that certain things will not be as you expected, for example, they may lash out on you and say really hurtful stuff, but they "don't actually mean it" (i.e. they mean it at that time but it's not their entire impression of you).  You will also HAVE to be the emotionally stable one, be the one who accepts the past and moves on, the one who forgives readily... .etc.

I guess some people will see this type of imbalanced relationship as emotionally unfulfilling, and I don't judge.  But I think in order to stay in a relationship with a pwBPD and have a satisfactory outcome, we must let go of our own expectations, know what we really want in a relationship (and assess whether we can still get it to some degree with a pwBPD), and not compare our relationship with other people's.