Checking in/Update

[LilMe]

I am 1 1/2 years out of a 10 year relationship.  In many ways life is better - no one yelling and constantly judging and gaslighting me, I get to spend as much time with my grown children as I want, etc.  Some days I feel pretty happy, but I am still dragged down by xuBPD.  I still sometimes miss him terribly and wish I could just hate him!

He kept almost all my belongings.  He threw some of my business equipment on his lawn and demanded I immediately pick it up or he would burn it.  He gave me a few things that were 'in his way' and kept everything else. The most important thing he kept (and can't even use because he is blind!) is my homeschool library of around 2000 books.  I have homeschooled all my children and it has taken over 20 years to accumulate all I need.  He is constantly trying to prove that I am not properly teaching them and withholding my library sure doesn't help.

He is suing me for our jointly owned car.  He is blind so doesn't drive, has his own car anyway, and I am responsible for transporting the children for visitation.  My lawyer says that according to the law, the car will be auctioned off for virtually nothing and I will have to pay all court and lawyer fees as well as $1000 for the auction fee.  It is obvious he is only doing it to try to hurt me.  Oh, the joy of our ridiculous 'justice' system!  My only hope is that the judge will have mercy and rule in my favor.  And I have not had a good judicial experience yet. 

On top of that my landlord passed away so my rental is being sold and I will have to move.  I am approved for a great home loan, but there are no suitable places available.  We live in a very rural area and I can't move out of the school district (and I am fortunate to have a job here).  So we face being homeless and carless.  In which case I could lose custody of our children.

Of course, there is hope that everything will somehow work out fine, but it is soo stressful.  And then my crazy mind misses him and remembers the good.  It seems like the bad is blocked out of my mind.   He goes around town talking bad about me to anyone who will listen.  Then tells me he can't even get near me or he starts missing me too.  It all makes me feel bad for the pain he must be feeling.  What a mess we are!  At least I am strong and will not go back.  It is too damaging to our children.

I see 'faces' here come and go and wish the best for every one of you!  I hate that any of us are suffering for caring and loving.

[JaxDK]

Unfortunately for some of us, our expwBPD will always be part of our lives for better and worse. It's always nice to see an update from people further down the road, just to get a glimpse of what's on the other side.

Thank you for your update. It seems life is a bit difficult for you right now. It will pass. Remember all the uphill battles you have faced in your life and you are still standing strong. You will get through this stressful time as well. You seem like a strong person, you will be alright