He wants me to call/ text him

[Lakebreeze]

My uBPD husband works 3 nights a week. I'm a stay at home mom to our 4 kids. Here is the question. On the night he works he feels that I don't call and text him enough. And he gets really angry because he feels that I am glued to my phone and have no excuse.
I'm a little confused. I've seen examples of how to set limits with BPDs who are calling but my not sure how this works the other way around.
Last time he worked an overnight I went to bed at 10:30 and missed his 12midnight text. When he came home in the morning he was angry. Any suggestions? He works the next 3 nights and I'm relieved to have 3 nights off from him but nervous about not handling this well
 Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

I always start by asking: what is his real fear, anxiety, or emotion? Then try to come up with a solution to that answer. Him getting mad at you not texting us just the way he is expressing his real emotion. Does he get lonely on break? Is he worried that you aren't thinking about him?

How do you think it would go if you sent a text to him right before you go to bed that says something like: I love you. Going to sleep. Hope you have a great night. I miss you being here. Can't wait to see you in the morning. (Kissy face).

Or

I'm going to sleep now. Text me on your break that way I'll have something from you to look forward to in the morning when I get up.

He gets to see you initiating the text (which proves you thought about him). He sees that you seeing him in the morning is important and that you miss him. You also get to share with him that you are going to sleep and won't be awake for the midnight text.

[Lakebreeze]

Thank you tattered heart! I think you hit the nail on the head. He is always worried that I'm not thinking of him AND chronically lonely. Its probably the same reason  he accuses me of having boyfriend s over and throwing parties while he is at work too The simple proactive texts you described will probable do wonders. I can't believe I didn't come up with that myself. But I think I fall into the trap of not doing what he want on the principle of the thing because some days he feels so controlling. Thanks for your thoughtful response!
 

[Tattered Heart]

I've been there. I have random appointments set up on my calendar to remind me to send my H a supportive text. I'm horrible about texting him during the day or when things are bad I don't want to say nice things to him so these reminders help me.

[Turkish]

This is a great idea.  I was into the mutual texting during courtship,  but let it go once I felt secure... .or things were stable.  For a pwBPD,  things aren't necessarily more stable. The constant texts started to bother me,  really.  Taking control (not on a bad way) by leading and validating seems to make sense.  Let us know how it goes. 

[Radcliff]

Hi Lakebreeze, it's been a while since you posted on this thread, so I was curious how things were going.  Any luck with the proactive texting?

Wentworth

[Lakebreeze]

Thanks Wentworth for checking in! Proactive texts have worked really well. I just make a point of texting as soon as I have all the kids in bed and then right before I go to bed. He still gets anxious, lonely etc. but the improvement i have noticed most is that he has not been accusing me of ignoring him or forgetting about him while he is at work.

[Radcliff]

Lakebreeze, that's great!  I'm glad you and he are having some success with that.  I'd think it'd be lonely to work a night shift and miss the kids' bedtime as well as your wife's, so a couple of texts seem like a loving way to take the edge off.  Thanks for sharing the good news!

Wentworth