Hi there TMD,
I am sorry you are going through this. I know it's not what you wanted or the outcome you hoped for.
Thanks, ducks. You're right it's not what I wanted, but definitely it's what I needed in order to pull completely back from this man. I can't go back to the concern I had for him. I can have compassion for him the way I do for people I don't know, and I can recognize the tragedy he has created for himself by eliminating every single person in his life who's tried to help him.
I'm a little curious, where did you find the video? And what do you speculate was his reason for making it?
He had thrown away 3 computers--typical for him--about six weeks ago. I pulled them out of the trash, figuring I'd donate them. This one I opened, and it opened to his profile on the cloud and I found the video. Why he made it,, I'm not sure. If I had to guess, I'd guess that it's because of his desire to document everything in his life.
Two issues: 1) Is he some sort of pedophile? Is that why he videotaped teen aged girls? 2) The fact that I can't trust my perception of him (I had no idea there was anything wrong at all) means he scares me, and I want no part of him.
Someone asked if I could stay married to him if he didn't live on the property, so he'd have legal family where we live. Family of origin is miles away. I'm not sure if I could stay married. If he were to be institutionalized, I'm fairly certain that it would be a long long long time before I'd ever consider visiting him.
I understand you want to offer him all possible avenues of support but I can't help but wonder about this. Why? Why attempt to work with FIL? Why get a second opinion? What's in it for you?
A couple things. One, I'm closer in age to my FIL than my H, and I think my H has had a psychotic break and needs residential treatment. This time, unlike I've offered in the past, I wouldn't go with him, I wouldn't help set it up. Nothing.
What's in it for me is maintaining contact with FIL, who I feel for, and who can help push through a hopefully amicable divorce if that's where this is headed.
Getting a second opinion is something FIL & I have discussed in the past. I would assist my FIL if he wanted. Again for the above reasons.
So I am clear, my focus has been changing for the past six weeks or so, and finding the video pushed my focus to researching security and legal options.
My safety is my top concern. I will work with FIL if he wants help.
My thought is if you continue on this path, he will continue to resist. I am also thinking if you continue to struggle with maintaining or establishing a mental health team for your H, it will create more pain for you.
Sorry, I was unclear. I will not maintain or establish a mental health team for H. Been there, done that. I am truly through. I am offering help to FIL only if he asks.
my two cents for what they are worth,... .even though his mental stability or lack of it is the big elephant in the room, this is no longer about the elephant. It's about taking care of you first. It's protecting yourself financially and emotionally.
Absolutely. I'm retirement age. I have farm animals, pets, and a life where I am. I want to stay right where I am and maintain the life I've had for 10 years.
After that video, I reached out to just about everyone I've known throughout the years to help me feel safe and loved. I've asked people to come over, watch TV with me, go out to lunch. Having people around me helps me not to feel quite so foolish. I have a friend who told me I got fooled because I see the best in people. She was able to spin what's happened, so I could feel better about the realization that I hadn't had a clue what my H was.
Can you imagine a situation in which things would change so dramatically that you would continue to have contact with him? What specifically would need to change? If you wrote a list of 'what would need to happen before you would let him near you', what would be on top of the list?
I've thought of this. Hard to imagine a situation in which I'd want contact with him. What would need to change is his insistence on blaming everyone for everything that has ever happened to him. I'd need to hear him say, "I can't believe that I have spent the past 30 years never taking responsibility for what I do, never thinking of anyone else's needs but my own. I am sorry. I am really sorry. I don't expect that you would take me back or even accept my apology, but I am still sorry. I am sorry I focused only on myself and never saw or appreciated you for who you are."
Pretty unlikely he'd say that.
if you could take a giant step back,... .and look at this situation as dispassionately as possible,... if you were advising me what to do in a similar situation,... what would you suggest I do?
'ducks
Taking a giant step back, I'd advise you to trust your gut: If you don't feel safe, there is probably a pretty good reason not to feel safe.
I'd say, be certain you are taken care of financially. Lean on your friends and family, and I'd remind you to remember to what your sister said when you told her you didn't want to die alone: You are alone. You've been alone this entire time.
Not particularly cheerful but accurate, and that is frequently what I need.
Thanks, ducks!
TMD