Checking In: NC for nearly two weeks.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This post may very well be my last on this particular section of BPD, as my marriage, in any meaningful way, is over.

I have not seen or heard from my H for nearly two weeks. His P sends out "happy" updates weekly on H to the T, my FIL, my coach, and myself. This week I informed the P that getting info about H through an intermediary was simply too painful for me and please stop. P agreed to do so.

Yesterday, I found a horrifying video that H had shot of 2 teenage girls (one the daughter of a friend the other the friend of the daughter) in the pool, title of which is too foul to write here.

What was even more horrifying for me was the voiceover, which was of H and I talking, the way husbands and wives do. Just chit chat about my kids, grandkids. Everything pleasant. You can hear my laugh, be reassuring. All of it. He recorded me without my knowledge, which was bad enough, but after I left, all pleasantness left his voice, and he said as viciously as possible: "F*** you, (my name), you f****** c***, I'll get you."

The language was vulgar, nothing unusual. What was unusual and what was incredibly eye-opening is that I never had an inkling that he was anything but happy. I thought we were having a good day. The fact that I couldn't trust my perception has completely shaken me.

I will attempt to work with FIL, if I can ever reach him, to see if there's a way to get a second opinion, maybe intensify treatment, but I don't want H anywhere near me.

I believe he's seeing a divorce attorney on Monday; he will need to get with FIL first.

Talk later,
TMD

[toomanydogs]

This post may very well be my last on this particular section of BPD, as my marriage, in any meaningful way, is over.

I have not seen or heard from my H for nearly two weeks. His P sends out "happy" updates weekly on H to the T, my FIL, my coach, and myself. This week I informed the P that getting info about H through an intermediary was simply too painful for me and please stop. P agreed to do so.

Yesterday, I found a horrifying video that H had shot of 2 teenage girls (one the daughter of a friend the other the friend of the daughter) in the pool, title of which is too foul to write here.

What was even more horrifying for me was the voiceover, which was of H and I talking, the way husbands and wives do. Just chit chat about my kids, grandkids. Everything pleasant. You can hear my laugh, be reassuring. All of it. He recorded me without my knowledge, which was bad enough, but after I left, all pleasantness left his voice, and he said as viciously as possible: "F*** you, (my name), you f****** c***, I'll get you."

The language was vulgar, nothing unusual. What was unusual and what was incredibly eye-opening is that I never had an inkling that he was anything but happy. I thought we were having a good day. The fact that I couldn't trust my perception has completely shaken me.

I will attempt to work with FIL, if I can ever reach him, to see if there's a way to get a second opinion, maybe intensify treatment, but I don't want H anywhere near me.

I believe he's seeing a divorce attorney on Monday; he will need to get with FIL first.

Talk later,
TMD

[babyducks]

Hi there TMD,

I am sorry you are going through this.   I know it's not what you wanted or the outcome you hoped for.

I'm a little curious,  where did you find the video?    And what do you speculate was his reason for making it?

I will attempt to work with FIL, if I can ever reach him, to see if there's a way to get a second opinion, maybe intensify treatment, but I don't want H anywhere near me.

I understand you want to offer him all possible avenues of support but I can't help but wonder about this.     Why?   Why attempt to work with FIL? Why get a second opinion?  What's in it for you?

My thought is if you continue on this path, he will continue to resist.   I am also thinking if you continue to struggle with maintaining or establishing a mental health team for your H, it will create more pain for you.

my two cents for what they are worth,... .even though his mental stability or lack of it is the big elephant in the room,   this is no longer about the elephant.     It's about taking care of you first.   It's protecting yourself financially and emotionally.   

Can you imagine a situation in which things would change so dramatically that you would continue to have contact with him?    What specifically would need to change?    If you wrote a list of 'what would need to happen before you would let him near you',  what would be on top of the list?

At some point we become the triggers that set our loved ones off.   I did.  I became the trigger that set my partner into panic and fear.   Mind you,  I wasn't doing anything to become a trigger.   I was just doing me stuff.    I had bronchitis,... .I got down in the dumps,  I was in the room being physically in her space (well it was my space too but that wasn't how she saw it.)

I would be shaken too if I found a video like that.   It would take me a while to process the emotions around it.   But it would also serve as a wake up call. 

if you could take a giant step back,... .and look at this situation as dispassionately as possible,... if you were advising me what to do in a similar situation,... what would you suggest I do?


'ducks

[formflier]

  but I don't want H anywhere near me.
 

Do you think you should formalize this with any kind of order?  Protection order?

I'm still a bit new to your story.  My impression is that the "oddness" of the past couple months is really outside of "normal" for him.  I realize "normal" for him is a relative thing.

Do I have this right?

So... .what do you think happened?  (stay big picture)

I'm also very interested in how you heard the video... .depending on answer I may think more about my advice for protective orders.

FF

[toomanydogs]

Hi there TMD,

I am sorry you are going through this.   I know it's not what you wanted or the outcome you hoped for.

Thanks, ducks. You're right it's not what I wanted, but definitely it's what I needed in order to pull completely back from this man. I can't go back to the concern I had for him. I can have compassion for him the way I do for people I don't know, and I can recognize the tragedy he has created for himself by eliminating every single person in his life who's tried to help him.

I'm a little curious,  where did you find the video?    And what do you speculate was his reason for making it?

He had thrown away 3 computers--typical for him--about six weeks ago. I pulled them out of the trash, figuring I'd donate them. This one I opened, and it opened to his profile on the cloud and I found the video. Why he made it,, I'm not sure. If I had to guess, I'd guess that it's because of his desire to document everything in his life.
Two issues: 1) Is he some sort of pedophile? Is that why he videotaped teen aged girls? 2) The fact that I can't trust my perception of him (I had no idea there was anything wrong at all) means he scares me, and I want no part of him.
Someone asked if I could stay married to him if he didn't live on the property, so he'd have legal family where we live. Family of origin is miles away. I'm not sure if I could stay married. If he were to be institutionalized, I'm fairly certain that it would be a long long long time before I'd ever consider visiting him.

I understand you want to offer him all possible avenues of support but I can't help but wonder about this.     Why?   Why attempt to work with FIL? Why get a second opinion?  What's in it for you?

A couple things. One, I'm closer in age to my FIL than my H, and I think my H has had a psychotic break and needs residential treatment. This time, unlike I've offered in the past, I wouldn't go with him, I wouldn't help set it up. Nothing.
What's in it for me is maintaining contact with FIL, who I feel for, and who can help push through a hopefully amicable divorce if that's where this is headed.
Getting a second opinion is something FIL & I have discussed in the past. I would assist my FIL if he wanted. Again for the above reasons.
So I am clear, my focus has been changing for the past six weeks or so, and finding the video pushed my focus to researching security and legal options.
My safety is my top concern. I will work with FIL if he wants help.

My thought is if you continue on this path, he will continue to resist.   I am also thinking if you continue to struggle with maintaining or establishing a mental health team for your H, it will create more pain for you.

Sorry, I was unclear. I will not maintain or establish a mental health team for H. Been there, done that. I am truly through. I am offering help to FIL only if he asks.

my two cents for what they are worth,... .even though his mental stability or lack of it is the big elephant in the room,   this is no longer about the elephant.     It's about taking care of you first.   It's protecting yourself financially and emotionally. 

Absolutely. I'm retirement age. I have farm animals, pets, and a life where I am. I want to stay right where I am and maintain the life I've had for 10 years.
After that video, I reached out to just about everyone I've known throughout the years to help me feel safe and loved. I've asked people to come over, watch TV with me, go out to lunch. Having people around me helps me not to feel quite so foolish. I have a friend who told me I got fooled because I see the best in people. She was able to spin what's happened, so I could feel better about the realization that I hadn't had a clue what my H was. 

Can you imagine a situation in which things would change so dramatically that you would continue to have contact with him?    What specifically would need to change?    If you wrote a list of 'what would need to happen before you would let him near you',  what would be on top of the list?

I've thought of this. Hard to imagine a situation in which I'd want contact with him. What would need to change is his insistence on blaming everyone for everything that has ever happened to him. I'd need to hear him say, "I can't believe that I have spent the past 30 years never taking responsibility for what I do, never thinking of anyone else's needs but my own. I am sorry. I am really sorry. I don't expect that you would take me back or even accept my apology, but I am still sorry. I am sorry I focused only on myself and never saw or appreciated you for who you are."
Pretty unlikely he'd say that.

if you could take a giant step back,... .and look at this situation as dispassionately as possible,... if you were advising me what to do in a similar situation,... what would you suggest I do?


'ducks

Taking a giant step back, I'd advise you to trust your gut: If you don't feel safe, there is probably a pretty good reason not to feel safe.
I'd say, be certain you are taken care of financially. Lean on your friends and family, and I'd remind you to remember to what your sister said when you told her you didn't want to die alone: You are alone. You've been alone this entire time.
Not particularly cheerful but accurate, and that is frequently what I need.

Thanks, ducks!
TMD

[toomanydogs]

Do you think you should formalize this with any kind of order?  Protection order?

Hi FF!
I have been in touch with a long time friend who is in security, body guarding kind of things, and who has contacts in law enforcement. He has advised me not to go to the police until I see the lawyer he's referred me to. Concern of the friend wasn't regarding the video but something else I found, which could have been privileged correspondence to his P.

I'm still a bit new to your story.  My impression is that the "oddness" of the past couple months is really outside of "normal" for him.  I realize "normal" for him is a relative thing.

Do I have this right?

The length and intensity if outside the normal. I haven't seen this behavior sustained for so long in the 10 years I've known him.

So... .what do you think happened?  (stay big picture)

Big picture: I think he has had a psychotic break, brought on or exacerbated by his perceiving as having lost: 1) his caregiver; 2) his wife; 3) his sobriety; 4) his therapist.

All this is exacerbated by his unwillingness or inability to grapple with how he might have contributed to what has occurred.

I'm also very interested in how you heard the video... .depending on answer I may think more about my advice for protective orders.

FF

The video, in addition to some other stuff, was on a computer he'd thrown away a few months ago. When I opened it, it connected to his profile.

Right now, I'm working with that friend who's been in security for years and has the law enforcement contacts.

Thanks, FF!

TMD

[babyducks]

Two issues: 1) Is he some sort of pedophile? Is that why he videotaped teen aged girls?

Unfortunately no way to know for 100% certain.   He does seem to exhibit a pattern of focusing on the weakest, most vulnerable person/thing in his immediate vicinity.   The older dog... .the younger girls.

2) The fact that I can't trust my perception of him (I had no idea there was anything wrong at all) means he scares me, and I want no part of him.

Makes sense to me.     I think we all cross a line in the sand, beyond which we can not go.

So I am clear, my focus has been changing for the past six weeks or so, and finding the video pushed my focus to researching security and legal options.

How's that going?    

Absolutely. I'm retirement age. I have farm animals, pets, and a life where I am. I want to stay right where I am and maintain the life I've had for 10 years.

I would too.    

Taking a giant step back, I'd advise you to trust your gut:

I actually smiled when I read that.      If only I had trusted my gut.   Actually I would say it wasn't my gut I wasn't listening too.   It was that still small voice inside that I didn't cultivate for years and years.    You know, the one that was supposed to express my needs and wants.  

I am truly sorry this turned out this way.  

'ducks