My birthday is next week and I'm anxious

[Letloverule]

I never thought the days leading up to my own birthday would be anxiety provoking... .
I'm trying to unpack these emotions and I'm feeling stuck.
1- the most obvious reason is that my SO wBPD had her birthday a couple of months ago and it was infused with rage, fighting and sadness. I apparently did not do enough and according to her caused the worst birthday.
I'm afraid that this experience will come up during mine in a resentful way.
2- I'm reminded of a more volatile time in our relationship where my SO took me for a birthday weekend retreat at a beach resort. At dinner, she was very rude to the server (the food and service was not good). I got uncomfortable with her behavior and it came out in my body language. She caught it and accused me of being ungrateful... that I had no right to respond like that because this was her gift and her money. That evening was so rageful that I spent at least an hour in the bathroom crying and wanting the night to end. We left the resort at 2am and she threw out all the shopping we had done from the car.
The years since then have been somewhat calm and pleasant.
However with how precarious things have been lately and With that memory, I honestly don't want her to do anything for me on my birthday.
I'm afraid to tell her that... .the easy thing to do would just be to ride it out.
What I think I really want is to just spend some time by myself.
I'm just low on energy and I don't feel like I have it in me to say anything... .

When did my birthday get so stressful?
 

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[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry that you're worried about your birthday. I don't know what it is about special days and BPD. We no longer make a big deal out of birthdays because I"ve had my ruined so many times that it's now just another day. He might tell me Happy Birthday, but I no longer want or expect anything.

Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells? If so, what can you do to reduce your own anxiety about your birthday? You can't control her reaction, but you can control your own.

Do you have expectations of your pwBPD for your birthday? If those expectations aren't met, how will you respond?

[Letloverule]

hi- thanks for your response. It's about 20 minutes till my birthday and my SO wBPD has made absolutely no mention about it at all.
It's interesting because my mothers bday was a day ago and I told my SO I would call her. She asked if everything was okay and I said oh it's my moms birthday.
She knows my birthday is two days before mine.
She has either entirely forgotten- which I'm quite okay with.
Or the other side is that she knows it's my birthday and she is purposefully not doing anything to make sure I know what it feels like to be "treated unimportant".
Mind you I did not forget her bday two months ago. I was just so anxious and I made dumb mistakes and got raged at the entire time.
Tomorrow, my bday, is a national holiday- so I will be off work. She however has to work. I will have most of the day to myself- which is what I've actually wanted.
I'm not sure if I should bring it up. Partly because I'm afraid she will say: oh I've known it's your bday- I just want you to know how it feels to be forgotten.
It's terrible that I'm ascribing this on her. I would prefer that she just forgot.

[pearlsw]

Hi, I can relate. I am sorry for you pain. I kinda prefer to forget birthdays too for many reasons. They are actually one of the worse/unreal days of the year for me personally and I have no idea why we celebrate them. Years ago to take the pressure off of that single day (pressure which I can't stand) I took to celebrating the whole month in small ways. If I want to eat out, or have a slice of cake, or buy myself something small that month (more or less) I do. I don't disappoint me and I am happy to celebrate me. Letting go of expectations of others around these things helped me a lot. I have one relative I wish would stop making such a point of sending a card or gift. If not for this I could skip that day and forget entirely it I like. It's weird, after saying that, but I also have another friend I share the birthday month with and we sort of take turns (in the years we remember) with wishing each other a happy birthday on each other's day and that is quite enough. I don't mind if this person sends me birthday wishes. We jokingly say "you're the best" and have a laugh and go on. That is enough for me!

Lastly, may I say with all sincerity, Happy Birthday! You are special and bring your own special light into the world.