Ksablr
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: August 28, 2017, 08:54:09 AM » |
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I'm going to try to summarize... .
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 3 years and I suspect he may have BPD. Our relationship started out intense and moved very quickly. I had known him as an acquaintance first through friends so I felt safe with him. Once in the relationship I started to notice things... .some drinking issues (which have improved), trouble with finances, unstable relationships with family and friends, and job loss throughout the years. I knew he had been diagnosed with ADD in college and attributed a lot of these issues to untreated ADD, but am now wondering if it is BPD.
My BPD bf in the past has mentioned how intense he feels emotions and how when he needs processing time when dealing with our arguments which I admit I haven't always been go at giving him. I know that he wants to be loved, happy, successful, but it's like he sabotages it. I know there are times when he feels guilt and shame.
When our relationship is great, it's really great. But we get into these cycles of arguments and can't get out. There is never rsolution because he denies, deflects, blames, lies (usually I think to cover up), gets angry whenever I am upset. In the past, I admit I haven't handled any of this well. I have been reading a lot and trying hard to change how I communicate with him. He has mentioned many times that he never feels heard in life. I am really trying to validate his feels and make sure I acknowledge his experience and feelings. I'm willing do to the work in changing our relationship but I have a few things that are holding me back...
1. He has admitted at times that he needs therapy and we have gone to couples therapy before, but he has a hard time taking accountability. Is there ever a way to get past these defense mechanism, so he can get out of his own way and get better. Get the life and love he so desperately wants?
2. An big issue in our relationship has been his connection to other women including exes. In general, he's the guy that wants to be friends with everyone. He's the guy with 2500 Facebook friends, yet doesn't have many super close relationships. Both male and female, he has a hard time cutting people out of his life even when they have done him wrong. I don't know if this is associated with BPD or not. But where the problem arises in our relationship is when things don't go well (we fight or I hurt him, etc), I've notice a pattern that he reaches out to exes or other women. I'm guessing it's to get external affirmation, feel good, escape the negative feelings. It's usually impulsive and sometimes I feel like it's a retaliatory. I've told him that in order for me to feel safe and have trust. I need these connections to go. He tries to assure me that they mean nothing to him and barely communicate which I do often believe, but he won't drop the connection. Has anyone ever dealt with this? Does it have to do with feelings of abandonment or rejection?
3. It's hard to feel heard at times and get my needs met. I feel that it's very ego centric especially if there is anything negative. I am trying to use "i" statements and feeling words, but still he feels injured. For example, he got mad and stormed off, I told him how I was sad that our interaction ended that way and he responded "another thing to apologize for." Or for Christmas, he really didn't put much effort into a gift. I knew it was last minute, I was hurt. And he responded "never good enough, I can never get it right." I don't know what to do to get my needs met too.
I love him dearly and see that he wants such a better life. I know there is shame and guilt and a lot of avoidance of that. He wants to work on himself and I believe he thinks he is trying, but it's not the right help (ex using willpower), I am a tough cookie and fighter, but I'm losing hope. Has anyone experienced these situations? Any advice?
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