Husband has found someone to focus his attentions on: a superior at his job.

[slachers]

My husband has BPD, an illness I had never heard of until two and a half years ago. An illness that changed my life.  An illness I wish I wasn't such an expert in now.  

When we first met, he swept me off my feet.  He noticed things my ex husband hadn't.  He was incredibly thoughtful, generous, sweet, kind, and most of all "loving".  His daughters hated him and I didn't know why.  He didn't talk to his family and I didn't know why.  Surely they had made some terrible mistake about this most amazing man who I come to know and love.  Surely they were mistaken.  How could the man standing before me, be as bad as they made him out to be?

He moved in with me and I figured out he had some issues, but clearly I had no idea just how deep seeded his problems really were.  I found out.  

It started with the small stuff, flying off the handle because someone went the wrong way down a lane in the parking lot.  Then we progressed into finding out one detail of my past and acting as if I was the worst person in the world because of it.  The stories he had told me about himself, were far worse and almost unforgivable in my opinion, but to him they were no big deal.  Then we moved into the, "I'm leaving" and "this relationship will never go anywhere" stage after months of woo-ing me with gifts, cards, acts of kindness, telling me I was the greatest thing that had ever happened to him, and of course the "he had never been happier".  If only they came with a warning sign.  Would I have heeded it?  Probably not.  He is adept at knowing exactly what to say and do.  

We got him into therapy where his therapist quickly diagnosed him with BPD and PTSD.  She referred him to a psychiatrist who started him on medication.  It was wonderful!  We know knew what the problem was and we could fix it!  That's what I thought at least.

After months of therapy and episode after episode, lie after lie, and apology after apology, I should have left.  I was in pain and embarrassed.  I always felt I had to hide his behavior.  I couldn't let my family or friends see who I was involved with.  They would be furious he treated me the way he did.  I had built him up and they would probably not even believe me.  Shame on me, but the person who I loved the most was sick and I wanted to stick around to help him.  Every single time he had an episode and caused me to miss out on family functions, vacations, and time with friends because I was dealing with his BS - he took a little piece of who I was away. But I stayed.  

We got married two years in and I thought that would magically mean he would try harder to get better.  But as most of you will know, the road to recovery is hard and people with BPD will find any excuse to stop.  We got him into an outpatient therapy group.  Once again, I had hope we were on the right path.  But of course, we were not.  He couldn't even commit to going for two weeks and that was that.    

I took a class on BPD and how to live with someone with it.  I went to therapy.  I read all the books about BPD.  A used all the methods I learned.  But he stopped trying.  He gave up, like always.

About two weeks ago he decided our relationship is over.  He literally put me through hell for three years and then one day decides we are done and moves on with no remorse whatsoever.  Classic BPD.  There are so many emotions going through my head right now in regards to: all the time wasted on what I thought was a meaningful relationship; the loss of myself; trying to help someone who couldn't be helped and, in the end, doesn't want to be; loss of friends and family; loss of money; and the loss of self respect.  

He found a new someone to focus his attentions on: a female superior at his job.  Because he started acting suspicious and accusing me of doing so, I looked at our phone records and found out he had been texting, calling, and doing god knows what else with her for weeks.  I called her to find out if my suspicions were true.  She told me that when they started talking she asked if he was married or in a relationship and he told her no.  Just no.  A whole life down the drain with one word.  

When I asked him about it, he was gone.  He checked out of his own head and became his alter ego - as I call it.  He did not see what he had done as wrong.  He did not feel bad for hurting me.  He did not apologize.  He moved on.  Just like that, he was gone.  The person who I had loved and had given myself to for three years had vanished.  There was no explanation.  But he did manage to tell me I was "too needy" and "controlling".  Just a few of the reasons he felt that he was justified in his actions.  It was always my fault.  If I stay, It will continue to be my fault. I believe in his head he honestly doesn't understand.  He's sick.  He will probably never get better.  No, he will never get better.

But I still love him.  I feel bad for him.  I know he is throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to him.  And more than anything I know he is a wounded five year old inside. However, he is a 46 year old man on the outside who consciously made his own decisions.  I have to make myself understand that sick as he may be, he chose not to get better.  He chose to check out of our loving relationship.   He chose to cheat.

But now I have to take care of myself.  I literally sit here a shell of the human being I once was.  I can't think.  I can't eat.  I can't sleep.  The nightmares are awful.  Every time I close my eyes, I picture him calling her when he used to call me.  Telling her the things he used to tell me.  I get nauseous thinking about it.  I have become a "crazy" person who calls women my husband is cheating on me with.  I check his email, his search history, and our call logs repeatedly looking for clues to how this happened.  I think about tracking his car to see where's he's going.  I am not the trusting person I used to be.  I am not myself at all.  My self confiI asked him to stop talking to her until we are officially separated, but he won't.  She promised me she would stop.  But I'm sure he's told her I'm out of the picture so she feels it ok to keep going.  All the same things he told me when I first found out he was married when we met about three months into our relationship. Shame on me for still loving him.

Now I don't even know where to start.  I have a job - I better go.  I just had to move out of our house, I better unpack.  I need to workout still.   Can I go to the gym - the place we met and worked out next to each other for the last three years - and get through a workout without bawling?  Food, I used to be able to eat it.  Now I can't even look at it.  Sleep - non existent anymore without the help of medicine.  Where do I start?  How do I move on?  How do  mourn the loss of the husband I really never had?  How do I get my self respect and sanity back?  Where do I start?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi slachers

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can imagine how devastated you must feel right now. You're grieving and it's ok if you need to take time for yourself to get all your emotions out. Once you get through the initial strong emotions of things, then you can start making decisions about what to do with the day to day choices. Until then though, don't force yourself to do more than what you are ready to do.