tryin hold on

[wife1972]

Feeling stressed, such a long story behind it, as is probably.everyones who is dealing with a BPD spouse. I love him to pieces but he wont even admit it is possible that he is BPD. When we met he told me how his ex was BPD. Married and the years in, over time I've come to realize he was projecting, that he is the one with BPD. He gets very vindictive at the slightest thing he perceives as me having done wrong, which is anything that he doesn't agree to. This includes choices that should be solely personal
.
Is this vindictiveness a trait of being BPD?

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[pearlsw]

Hi there!

Sorry you are feeling so stressed! I think it is hard for a lot of people that their partner often won't recognize or admit to these issues. I know I've felt that way myself at times. My husband will admit to this, he even took an online test once that helped him to see it, but he can just as easily take his words away on any given day. I know it and he knows it, although he can be shifty on it, that's all I get. But it is enough for me. I know the truth, as best I can determine it as a non-professional, and I know what he's said and done over the years. It's enough I've come to see.

One thing I notice around here is that people deal with this issue by simply making themselves more knowledgeable and asking themselves what would really change if they had an official diagnosis. Either way you have to deal with this if you are involved with someone who has BPD so putting your energy into understanding and managing with it can help a lot - make that the focus. The rest of us are here to validate your reality. That you really are experiencing these things.   

At the least it is a chance to adjust/improve your own communication skills, that is how I try to take it. I really want to be a good communicator with my husband and if he has these special communication needs I am willing to learn and practice with it. That's the best I can do. I won't be perfect. I will make mistakes. But I am up for trying although at times it is extremely hard. My side goal is to keep my own resentment in check, and not add that onto the problem pile we already have. That is also not easy, but it is possible.

If you read under Lesson #4 on the right hand side it will give you more information about "Understanding your partner's behaviors". I think it says that "Emotional Immaturity" is an issue for BPD folks. In my experience yes, vindictiveness is sometimes a part of this. He has actually admitted at times that he is in so much emotional pain that he just acts out towards me. (Overall it is very hard for him to understand himself or put any of this into words. I think on some level his lack of control at times scares him too.) I think sometimes they are, perhaps not so consciously, trying to get us to feel the extreme level of pain they are in. So, it is the emotional maturity of a child.

You did not cause this, but you can do a lot to make it more manageable I think. I now see that I must help him with regulating his emotions, rather than just thinking he's a "jerk" and staying as far away as possible. I must help by reducing stress and by being clear and direct and not being emotionally confusing for him. I find that I'm training myself to "run towards him" and not "away from him" so he won't feel intense abandonment and that can sometimes help.

To show some compassion for him I must say that I too would be pretty freaked out to hear that I had an illness of any kind. To hear you have an illness that seemingly has no cure would be pretty devastating. My husband's first reaction when I brought this up was how do I fix it? What can I do? (He has a brother with schizophrenia so he was scared, but also knows something is "off".) At other times it was denial and then trying to find a "label" for me.

I explained to him that I wasn't sure about BPD, but it was the best explanation I could find, and that it didn't really matter ultimately. (I learned that from here.) What matters is that I am willing to help, truly, whether he participates or not in the improvement. I am now just focused on myself and what I can do. Perhaps at some later point I can include him more in what I am learning. Already he is being more responsive at times. Modeling things he hears from me. (He's been in an unusually long white phase.)

Just this morning something upset me and he said back, to my surprise, "I see you feel bad. What you think happened didn't. I'm sorry." He is very self-focused at times, so we deal a lot with me feeling slighted or ignored or not having my emotional needs met. I was shocked he was this self aware! But when he comes back from his errand I will praise him a lot for this, for noticing my feelings and saying something nice, and for not just yelling and being mean and losing it. Our emotional world seems to center around him so for him to recognize that I have a feeling and to express care about it feels like a real miracle.

Maybe if you describe this issue you had in more detail someone who is really good at analyzing conversations and pointing out how to use the tools here can help us see what you might be able to do differently to better communicate with him and maintain your own peace of mind. These things help all of us!

[Tattered Heart]

Hi wife1972,

Welcome ,

You've found a great place to support and advice. It's hard for our pwBPD to admit that something is wrong. The whole basis of BPD is based in them feeling shame and rejection and in order to protect themselves from those feelings, they use their BPD behavior to prevent themselves and others from seeing their shame and rejection.

When you say he gets vindictive, could you give an example of his vindictive behavior?