i am codependent and my ex with BPD recently broke up with me

[sadboi]

Hi my ex has BPD. We had a very tumultuous relationship and didn't find out she had BPD until part way through when she tried to commit suicide and winded up institutionalized. I started learning a lot about BPD as soon as I knew she had it. She ended things with me after splitting me black and now has a new girlfriend. They are in that euphoric honeymoon phase. Initially, the two of us decided to remain friends, but her girlfriend told her she had to choose between their relationship or our friendship, so she chose the relationship. It was difficult for her to say goodbye to me.

I miss her, I love her, I want her back. I've had a couple bad moments of really emotional text messages/phone calls, but I can tell she doesn't miss me as much, especially because she is in a new relationship. I have since started to see a therapist and am working on my codependency issues.

If I do not contact her again and continue working on myself, is it likely that when her current relationship ends she will come back to me?

I am newly working through my codependency issues as I said, so hopefully I'll get to a point where I don't want this, but in the mean time, I'm just curious if anyone has had a similar situation.

Thank you.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi sadboi and Welcome!  

I've read your posts and can see that it's good you found us.  Many in this community will relate to the experiences you've had, as can I in many respects.  Particularly around the self harm and suicide attempts.  These are extremely difficult to deal with on an emotional level and take so much of your energy and thoughts up.  I feel for you for having gone through this with someone that you love.  I can remember feeling like I had nothing left over for any other part of my life and being about as worn down and traumatised as I can remember by the things I saw and heard.  These experiences can keep us in a state of red alert, which is very draining emotionally.

Huge credit to you for taking your own well being seriously and getting the support of a T.  Recognising your codependent traits is a great step towards reclaiming your responses and fostering healthy decision making processes which include consideration for your own needs.  

I miss her, I love her, I want her back. I've had a couple bad moments of really emotional text messages/phone calls, but I can tell she doesn't miss me as much, especially because she is in a new relationship. I have since started to see a therapist and am working on my codependency issues.

If I do not contact her again and continue working on myself, is it likely that when her current relationship ends she will come back to me?

Breakups are painful and none more so than a BPD r/s which is intense and intoxicating from the outset.  The idealisation stage sells us a fantasy that is hard to break free from once we're invested in it.  She is currently in this stage of a new r/s and that is hard to think about, I know.  I've been there.  Hang in there, it gets easier.  How long has it been since you split up and are you still in contact now following the calls and texts you speak of?  

For myself the thing that allowed me to truly begin to heal was to take some time and space to turn my attention fully onto my own needs.  This was difficult as a codependent however very worth the effort.  Try to see your working on yourself as something you are doing for you, rather than for someone else.  That is a step towards valuing and loving yourself more, and we could all use some of that.  We cannot control whether our ex partners decide to come back into our lives, only how we proceed for ourselves and how this time is used.  See it as a new beginning.  If she comes back to you, you can potentially be emotionally healthier and living a full and satisfying life.  Nothing wrong with that!  The journey to healing is a marathon, not a race though so take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself.  Expect to be hurt right now.  That's natural.  

I know you've done lots of reading about BPD.  I'd also encourage you to do some further reading for your own benefit and hopefully increase the knowledge you have about your ex and her behaviours.  It can help to de personalise what you've experienced with the discard.  A great place to start is with the lessons to the right of the board and I personally found the articles in the self help materials above these to be extremely valuable in how I perceived things.

One of the first to help me with this is the following:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

You may have already read this?  It gave me insights into what happened and very much like you mentioned in another post, also saddened me to see that our r/s was not so 'unique' as I'd imagined.  Still, it did allow me to gather my thoughts and consider my stance on things.  I hope it's helpful to you too.

Love and light x

 

    

[sadboi]

 
Breakups are painful and none more so than a BPD r/s which is intense and intoxicating from the outset.  The idealisation stage sells us a fantasy that is hard to break free from once we're invested in it.  She is currently in this stage of a new r/s and that is hard to think about, I know.  I've been there.  Hang in there, it gets easier.  How long has it been since you split up and are you still in contact now following the calls and texts you speak of?  


The split has been recent, and we go to the same university/have mutual friends so I end up seeing her around.

The article you sent is exactly how I felt, which almost makes me feel kind of dumb. When I read about how common everything that happened is, it almost makes me feel kind of pathetic for letting it happen to me to?

I am trying very hard to focus on myself, but it's difficult.

Thank you for your reply and your understanding of what I am going through, I greatly appreciate it.
    


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[Harley Quinn]

The split has been recent, and we go to the same university/have mutual friends so I end up seeing her around.

The article you sent is exactly how I felt, which almost makes me feel kind of dumb. When I read about how common everything that happened is, it almost makes me feel kind of pathetic for letting it happen to me to?

I am trying very hard to focus on myself, but it's difficult.

Having frequent visibility of your ex is difficult for sure.  It happened for me to for a time.  How do you handle that?

I'd be tempted to reframe your self opinion around the r/s evolution.  We can all beat ourselves up too much after the r/s is over and what is important to note is that we are not alone in this for a reason.  The idealisation stage is very very effective when we are susceptible to it.  That is something we all have in common.  If you wish to examine anything around how the r/s happened to you, I focused on what it was that made me open to this idealisation.  What was I longing for that this stage fulfilled for me?  There is time enough for that as you progress with your detaching and healing.

Focusing on yourself takes time and effort.  When you're feeling depleted, it can be a struggle.  Many of us suffer from depression following the breakup.  What I'd suggest is starting with the basics - eating and sleeping properly.  Pushing yourself to do the things you perhaps don't feel like doing.  Connect with friends and family and get involved in social activities.  Was there anything you allowed to fall by the wayside?  Could you pick this activity back up?  Once we 'get going' the momentum can pick up.  What does your therapist suggest?

Love and light x   

[sadboi]

Harley Quinn,

Thank you for replying again.
Whenever I see her, I just try to ignore it, but she seems to always want something from me. When she cut me out of her life, she said she didn't want to really do it, but that it was the better decision in choosing between our friendship or her new relationship.
For example, I saw her yesterday, we were briefly talking amongst a group of people. We hadn't spoken to each other the whole conversation, because we don't talk now. As she left she said "bye everyone!" and everyone said goodbye back. She then looked specifically at me with a sad expression and waved. I don't know why she does this. It is very frustrating, I'd rather her just not acknowledge me. She is the one who chose to remove me from her life, what does she want me to do in these situations?

The idealization made me feel seen, and loved, and heard for the first time in a long time. I felt so strongly connected with her. It felt magical. My therapist and I have talked about this a lot, and she says the way I tried to foster the relationship wasn't unhealthy, that the things I wanted out of it aren't bad because I was trying to put those things into it, too.

I have been doing all of the things I'm supposed to do. I go to class and all of my club events and stuff. I spend time with friends. In the background of everything though, there is a sad longing. The days can be really hard.