Examples of validation

[RomanticFool]

Hi all,

I would very much like some help on validation skills. This is an area that I have found my communication skills lacking and I'd love to get some help with practical examples of validation regarding a pwBPD.

I have watched the video and read the literature here https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating but the thing I find tricky is that my pwBPD and I have a history of having very cordial, almost emotionally distant conversations and I am worried that the language I use in validation may come across as disingenuous or not authentically me.

A quote from the BPD website here is as follows:

Radical Genuineness  Be completely (radically) genuine. To be radically genuine is to ensure that we are not remedial and we don't marginalize, condescend, or talk down to the person you are trying to validate. And we don't want to treat them as fragile or any differently than you would treat anyone else in a similar situation.

I am trying to validate while being genuinely myself. I am dealing with a person who has suicidal ideation and is generally feeling flat and devoid of emotion. So I don't feel I want to be saying something like 'Wow, so you're feeling flat and devoid of emotion, have I got that right?' It somehow feels too upbeat to use that kind of language.

Could people give examples of how they validate a pwBPD? Thank you.

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[Tattered Heart]

Validation can be hard, especially if you think what they are experiencing is out of proportion to the situation. We have a workshop with some examples of how to be validating.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

One thing I try to do is figure out the emotion behind the words and then address the emotion and then relate that to a time when I've felt the same. So in your scenario, her thoughts of suicide are the symptom of what she feels. What do you think she is REALLY feeling when she feels flat and empty? Is there a time that you've ever felt the same? Then I empathize and offer help in some way. "I'm sorry your going through this. How can I help you?"

Another thing I do is to ask questions that require more than a yes or no answer. I try to get my H to move out of his emotions into rational thinking and to do this, he has to start thinking more than feeling. So my validation might look like, "What do you think is causing you to feel this way?"

Using these concepts from the workshop and my suggestions, could you work through a practice scenario here?

[RomanticFool]

Hey Tattered,

Thanks so much, that is really useful. I kind of got tongue tied with validation recently because I have been worried not to say something that might make things worse. She is being quite distant at the moment which is fine and hopefully means she is getting help, but if she does want to talk to me, I want to make sure I am not going to make her feel worse.

I have already looked at the validation workshop a couple of times but will go back and look again and see if anything sticks that I haven't already considered. It's been a pretty difficult time all in all over the last six months but I feel like validation skills are something that will be useful going forward.

I think your example of 'what do you think is causing you to feel this way' is something I have asked my ex in lots of different ways. She usually comes back with same answers: Low self worth, getting older and lack of direction in life. She has a very serious unstable self image.