My Mom is worse now that I am a Mom

[MommyinTN]

Hi, everyone... .

I am currently dealing with a worse than normal relationship with my mother, who I have always suspected had "something" going on. I had my first child, a baby girl, last year. And even when I was in the aftermath of a horrible recovery situation my Mom still managed to be mad at me for a week. All because my in-laws came in town. That time, she admitted she was wrong - that's the only time I can recall that she ever has.

Right now, I'm in my 3rd or 4th long-term silent treatment with her this year. This time it's because I went to dinner with my husband on my birthday and had her babysit because she offered. It's been 4 weeks... .and she will make me feel guilty for not seeing her grand baby. I'm getting more and more mad at my Dad every time this happens, and my brother (the mini version of my Dad) is just as passive and enabling as my father is. And he's getting married and finally moving out of the house.

So all of this is going on, the wedding is coming up, and I am constantly constantly in trouble with her. For the stupidest stuff. Every boundary my husband and I put up, she tries to knock down. And we no longer can count on her to babysit when she says she will - so if we have tickets for something, we hire someone. Because I got tired of looking like I wasn't planning ahead because of her fake emergencies that come up and keep her from babysitting.

I am working through understanding this isn't my fault. And I am very aware of needing to protect my little girl from this. But I am hurting a lot right now. Of her 3 kids, I'm the punching bag. And I am just done with it. I have my own family. My own home. My own life. She belittles it all, makes fun of it all, hates my husband and says I'm too selfish to be a parent.

Any advice is appreciated from anyone who can help or may have a similar experience. I love her because she's my Mom. If she weren't, I wouldn't choose to keep her around. I have to learn how to deal with her. But I'm coming to the realization that I may not be able to.

[Mafalda]

Hi, I'm a newbie and I'm just going through something very similar. You can read my into if you feel like it, but basically my mom's been giving me the hardest of times pretty much since I became pregnant. My therapist says that in gr head, the baby and the added closeness to my husband and in laws are displacing her. She pretty much told me as much herself vía WhatsApp between silent treatments. It'd be great to help each other out 

[MommyinTN]

Sure, I think I sent you a private message as well. Feel free to contact me that way.

Congrats on the baby and so sorry you are dealing with a similar situation!

[Notwendy]

Congratulations on the baby!

My babies are much older now, but I do recall that having my parents visit when they were newborns was both stressful and helpful ( so long as dad was around). On one hand, I understood my mother wanting to see her grandbabies, yet it wasn't peaceful even if she was on her best behavior.

One way to look at it is through the dynamics in the family as a whole. Changes are stressful to the family system- even positive ones like a new baby. If your mother is like mine- takes a lot of time, attention, and wants to be the center of that attention- a new baby takes the focus away from your mother's emotional needs. In addition to the baby- there is another change- your brother getting married- also a wonderful thing but change is stressful.

PwPBD have a hard time managing their feelings. What is going on here are two life cycle transitions that come with a lot of joy but they are transitions- the end of something- the beginning of something else. As a mother, you will experience these too- your baby's first day of school, taking her to college, her first date, her wedding, her first child. You will be both thrilled and also shedding tears of joy and sadness at the fact that your baby girl is growing up- exactly what you want for her. It will also be a reminder that you are getting older.

Some people may be able to look to their mothers as support during these times. I know I can't do this and if I ever did, it backfires. My mother needs to be the one who receives care and support, not the other way around. I have heard the term " don't go to the empty well to get a drink of water". This applies to my mother. That well doesn't flow both ways. She isn't able to be of support and instead gets angry.

My mother is elderly now and looking at transitions, she does not manage them well. She also sees things as being about her and misinterprets things. I have found that pwBPD tend to make stories out of things that are not true. For instance if you are tired and not as attentive to her ( because of the baby)- she will think you are being deliberately rude.

I hope this helps you see that her behavior is not about you, but about her. I want to remind you of what you already know- your main obligation is not to her but to you and your new family. That baby needs you to be the best mom you can be. Take care of yourself, and let your mother deal with her own issues. If you need a sitter and can afford it, then hiring someone will take away any dependence on your mother to babysit for you ( I find it is better if I don't rely on my mother for anything). If you feel comfortable with her babysitting, that is up to you. I didn't let my kids be alone with my mother. She is severely BPD and I didn't feel comfortable with that, but I was OK with it for a short while if my father was there too when they visited but I didn't ask them to babysit for things I needed or wanted to do.

Rest, take care of you, and enjoy that baby girl. Don't let mom's moods affect your joy at becoming a new mom!

[Notwendy]

BPD involves emotional immaturity. Your mother may be old enough to be a grandmother, but her maturity level could me more like a teenager. How would a teen age grandmother act?

One thing you may notice is that, as you meet the parenting demands of the different stages of your child growing up, it will dawn on you that how your mother parented you is different, yet we kids accepted our mothers as the only normal we had. When I look back at how my mother reacted to my childhood demands, this became clearer. My mother tells stories about how I threw up on her carpet on purpose as a toddler. Yet, when my own toddlers threw up, I realize they had  a stomach ache, or they ate something that didn't settle with them- not on purpose. I realized how different my mother interpreted things.

The two of you are in a transition. Your brother and your mother are too. All of you are readjusting. As a general rule- consider that what your mother says and does reflects more about her than it does you- yet her perception is that her own feelings are coming from something else besides her. She may think it is you, but it is her.

Take  care of you and that little one.

[MommyinTN]

Thank y'all for the replies. We have started therapy, and it is helping. I also just finished Stop Walking on Eggshells. That helped too. Although it was extremely difficult for me to sit down and read that book.

For me, the overwhelming sadness and helplessness that I feel has hit me hard in the last month. My husband can't always make me feel better. And he travels a lot, so I deal with it on my own often. It's just more real now, if that makes sense. She's only getting worse, and it is always taken out on me.

Milestones are a part of life, I certainly understand that. But in my family, they are dreaded. She makes them miserable. My wedding, this wedding (that poor girl he's marrying has no clue,) and my sister's wedding, all of our graduations, even my daughter's birth. All horrible experiences with her for different reasons.

It sucks but it's how things are.