What are some realistic expectations?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey everyone! So my husband has been getting help for his BPD, and things have been gradually getting a little better. But there are a few things we have had fights about that he can't get passed.

I guess I'll add some background info so it makes more sense. I'm American, and I met him in Australia. We live in Australia now with our toddler son, and we've been married about 6 months (but haven't had the wedding/reception yet). He has met my family just once. He has taken offense to small comments that have been made. Some of it could be cultural differences, but nothing that was said was meant to be offensive, and wouldn't offend most people. He just tends to latch on to phrases and obsess over them.

The plan has been to go back to visit my family for Christmas. I have no concerns over him spending more time with my family, but he does. He is sure that my family won't be careful about what they say around him, and we do expect him to stop swearing while at my parents' house. He sees that as unfair. He also sees it as inconsiderate towards him to expect him to come to church with us on Christmas morning. All these things are just respectful towards the older generation from my point of view, but he sees it as them disrespecting him.

He does keep going back and forth whether he is even willing to go (when he's upset he frequently says he never wants to see or talk to anyone in my family ever again, that the one time was one time too many), so this might not even be a an issue. But what I want to know, is where should my expectations be for this? I feel like the only reason that this is a thing is because of his BPD, but I feel like I shouldn't have to lower my standards for his behavior towards my family that much because he has BPD. He also won't tell my family about what he's been struggling with.

[duimstal]

Hey everyone! So my husband has been getting help for his BPD, and things have been gradually getting a little better. But there are a few things we have had fights about that he can't get passed.

I guess I'll add some background info so it makes more sense. I'm American, and I met him in Australia. We live in Australia now with our toddler son, and we've been married about 6 months (but haven't had the wedding/reception yet). He has met my family just once. He has taken offense to small comments that have been made. Some of it could be cultural differences, but nothing that was said was meant to be offensive, and wouldn't offend most people. He just tends to latch on to phrases and obsess over them.

The plan has been to go back to visit my family for Christmas. I have no concerns over him spending more time with my family, but he does. He is sure that my family won't be careful about what they say around him, and we do expect him to stop swearing while at my parents' house. He sees that as unfair. He also sees it as inconsiderate towards him to expect him to come to church with us on Christmas morning. All these things are just respectful towards the older generation from my point of view, but he sees it as them disrespecting him.

He does keep going back and forth whether he is even willing to go (when he's upset he frequently says he never wants to see or talk to anyone in my family ever again, that the one time was one time too many), so this might not even be a an issue. But what I want to know, is where should my expectations be for this? I feel like the only reason that this is a thing is because of his BPD, but I feel like I shouldn't have to lower my standards for his behavior towards my family that much because he has BPD. He also won't tell my family about what he's been struggling with.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi duimstal,

Welcome ,

Sorry to hear that you are trying to resolve some issues between your parents and him. The tension beforehand can make the actual visit feel tense and worrisome, especially if your H may feel judged by your family.

From your story, it sounds like your H may feel really invalidated, judged, and maybe even like he is being treated like a child. One thing that can be hard for us nonBPDs to work through is that we cannot control other people's behavior. We can only control our own. So, if your H doesn't want to go to church on Christmas morning why force your H to go? He will feel angry, miserable, resentful, and disrespected the whole time. To your family it may seem disrespectful for your H to not go to church, but to your H it seems disrespectful to make him go to church. Now it's just a power struggle between who is most disrespected, with you in the middle.

The same for cussing. Have you parents come out and said, "I don't want him to cuss in our house"? If that is the case, then the issue is between him and your family. They should be the ones to set up a boundary with him, not you. For you to set the boundary just triangulates between him and your parents. I hope I'm not being too harsh, but I completely understand where your H is coming from. I hate it when people put me in a box and try to control my behavior too.

So to begin working on problem solving, how can you validate your Husband's feelings, still allow him to have control over his behavior, AND let him know your own preferences at Christmas? I think if you can do all of those things this conversation might turn around AND he might be willing to move more towards your preferences if knows that he has a choice.

If needed, could you are share some practice conversations that might work?

Here is a link to one of our workshops on How to Be More Empathetic towards our pwBPD. THis might help you see things from his point of view a little more:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210574.0

[duimstal]

Thanks for that reply. My husband isn't really a talker and hasn't talked to my family since they visited. He just wants me to me the communication link. I never saw that as an issue, but that makes a lot of sense based on what you've said. It takes me out of the moderator position, and I won't have the pressure of advocating for him when I agree with my parents.

They haven't come out and said anything to him, but I gave him the run down of expected behavior at my parents' house before he went over to meet them. I knew he would be really humiliated and uncomfortable to be called out on it.

The church thing has to do with the fact that he's part of the family, and its a rule in my family. On Christmas, is right between two different Christmas parties. (My parents know he doesn't go at home, and that's fine.) But I know he hates being talked about, and everyone at church will be asking about him and where he is. So if I back off from the he has to go aspect, he will likely come around because he doesn't want people talking about him, and doesn't want a confrontation with my parents.

And of course, this is if I can even get him to go along for a visit. My family really does like him, but he always dwells on the one phrase so and so said that he didn't like... .so they must care about him at all. Him getting to know them better would help on so many levels, he just isn't willing at this stage.

[duimstal]

So I guess what it all boils down to is that he isn't willing to have the argument with my parents, and wants me to do it for him. So I just need to step back and stay out of it, correct? (He will accuse me of not having his back and not being supportive, but he always says that.)

[waverider]

pwBPD struggle to uphold boundaries of their own. If he is not religious and doesn't attend church normally then he is within his rights not to be put into a situation to play lip service to it. The problem is he doesn't have the diplomatic skills to say no. Hence it creates a fear, which he catastrophises, and so he is going into the whole avoidance coping mechanism of you do it/or avoid being put on the spot.

Someone who cusses a lot often finds it unnatural not too, so to consciously not do it makes them feel uncomfortable even feel like they are being controlled, or even thought less of.

It comes down to personality disorders by definition means someone struggles to read, and fit in diplomatically with, other people.  It will be near impossible to conceal there is something "off" about his behaviour, and even harder to explain it properly to them.