Still Madly in Love With My Husband.. who puts me in tears on a daily basis

[flgrl0514]

I'm very new to this concept. I recently started reading Eggshells based on a recommendation and was surprised by how closely it described my marriage with my husband. I have found some comfort in knowing that my husbands  behaviors and the pain I've dealt with for 6 years might finally have an answer. I have read countless books, started therapy, prayed, tried having "heart to heart" conversations with my husband, and I just could not figure out how one minute he was telling me how much he loved me and the next was telling me to "get the f*** out" because I said something that triggered him.

My husband is a kind-hearted, hard-working, funny man who would do anything for anyone no matter the time. He is an amazing friend. We are best friends, and I absolutely love doing life and love with him. But then, he goes out with his friends and I find out he's not where he tells me he's going to be and when I question him and ask him to tell me where he is, he says he's with his "go***mn" friends and to leave him alone. I make reference to the fact that I don't deserve that because he should have been honest with me from the beginning, and he says, "then leave. If you think I'm being shady f*** you, leave." And any time I question him on why he did something or didn't do something, it sends him into a spiral of "f*** you's and "go *f*** yourself." You get the point. I have recorded him screaming at me and cussing at me until I emotionally curl up into the smallest ball possible and just tell him "you win." I've thought about letting him listening to them, but I'm sure it would only anger him.
I don't understand how you can love someone and treat them the way he does me. When he loves me and is happy, he REALLY loves me and is REALLY happy, but when something sets him off, you'd think I was a spawn of the devil. He doesn't feel as though I have any right to question him on anything. He should be allowed to do whatever the hell he wants and how dare I question him. If I say anything that might set him off or disagree with what he's saying, I get the threatening "you better watch it." If he doesn't feel like he should answer his phone when I call, he just doesn't. If he doesn't feel like answering my texts, he just doesn't. He doesn't care how it makes me feel, he's not doing anything wrong and is busy, so I shouldn't be blowing up his phone.

Maybe it's me. I've gone over it in my head again and again. Maybe I can be more understanding, more patient, maybe I shouldn't question him and should just trust him. Maybe I should just be the good,obedient wife, and then I'll have peace in my marriage.

I find myself in tears as in writing this. I don't have enough strength, energy, or capacity to gather all of my thoughts and emotions into one post. The pain is so excruciating. I feel empty at times. I feel unloved and unimportant. I don't feel any kind of sense of security in my marriage. At any moment he'll hit that point and tell me to get out. I don't feel like he's scared to lose me, and sometimes I wonder if his life might be better without me.

We actually separated last year for about 9 months. At the time, I did a lot of research and reading on  narcissism and sociopathybecause I thought that explained his behavior. Some of it did, but it didn't really hit home the way my readings on BPD have. During that 9 months, I felt at peace and I felt strong. I could have moved in When my husband came to me and told me he wanted to fix our marriage. He promised he'd work on himself and he swore to me he'd never let me cry myself to sleep again (and yet here I am). The first couple of months were great. He was more patient and calm, more loving during arguments, and he never once threatened to leave or told me to. He was sweet and romantic and actually made me believe he enjoyed my company and wanted me around.
Then, all of a sudden, he would anger easier than usual. He would again start using hateful language and telling me to get out when he was over the disagreement. I started feeling like I annoyed him just by being around. I wasn't sure the value I brought to his life or why I was here. I felt/feel very invalidated.

So here I am. Lost, not sure where to go from here. When he's gone and not answering his phone, and the last thing he said to me is "just leave if you don't like it," I just lay in bed and cry and the pain feels so excruciating, I'm not sure how I'll go on. Then I wake up the next morning (if I can sleep at all) and somehow I keep rolling through the motions. But I'm not sure how much more I can take. But I love him and the thought of leaving again scares me.

I'm just lost.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

Hi flgrl0514,



Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear that you feel so lost right now. Your feelings are very understandable. In your shoes, I'd be crying myself to sleep, too, I'm sure. 

You've come to a great place for support. Member here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. There is hope for things to get better—you are not alone. The site has tons of tools you can use and skills you can learn, too.

Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on at times like these? Are you seeing a therapist for support? It is so important to rally support around you, especially when you feel lost and unable to see things clearly.

I think setting boundaries is something that may help this situation. But first, I recommend taking good care of yourself and your heart. Do you have activities and outside interests that nourish you?

Keep posting. It helps to share. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[AskingWhy]

flgrl0514, I am also sad to hear you're under such turmoil.  It sounds like you are describing "splitting," which is a major feature of BPD.  Please read the article on this site on "Jekyll and Hyde" and it will open your eyes.

Take care and welcome to the forum.

[sbedeela]

You are describing my relationship to a tee. The phones, the screaming... .my feelings. Although we are not married, we are in a committed relationship and I'm not going anywhere. I just want to fix it.

[pearlsw]

Hi flgrl0514, I can relate to some of what you say. I felt like my husband was jerk and then later that he was "pure evil" because of the way he talks to me at times. I never saw anyone behave like this in my life. I could not understand his behavior at all. I researched and researched but nothing quite fit until I came to this site. Thank goodness!

It is hard for me to say if you are trying to contact him too much when he is out an about. Do you feel this might be the case? Is there any truth to his critique? Or is there something else behind this? Do you suspect he is doing things you would not like? Is he hiding something in your opinion?

Either way it is important to take a step back and look at the dynamic and see if there is an alternative that works for both of you I would think. I know if I went out with friends I would not want a lot of interruptions, but I would give my partner an idea of where I am going and when I am going to be back, and would be in contact if there might be a delay, etc. My husband is very jealous so it has brought me to the point where I don't do as much without him because it is hard to deal with his dysregulation if I am away from him. He has a strong sense of abandonment so if I am gone he feels intense pain. At first, I just thought, geez, what's your problem? But now I get it. The next step, if I ever am able to make friends in my new town, is to figure out how to balance my needs with my husband's issues.

We can't control other people so we have to ask what can we do to break out of the unhealthy dynamic and both get our needs met to the extent possible. Have you been able to talk to him at other times and tell him how you feel when he is out with friends? There a lot of great resources here that can help improve communication and understanding on these issues. I wish you much peace!