Wife just discovered she has BPD and is angry about it. Help

[redrabbit33]

My wife is 30 years old and has been trying to get help for a myriad of issues she had or thought she had since she was probably 10 years old. She started seeking her own help when she was about 15 or 16. We met when she was 15 and I was 17. Got married 4 years ago. She has struggled with substance abuse, depression, anxiety (mostly social), some OCD, anger issues and basically anything and everything else that someone with BPD could struggle with. She came to an epiphany a week or 2 ago that she needed to look into mood disorders. Initially looking into Bi-Polar and then leading to BPD. Once we started reading about it, everything made sense. Everything. Pretty well ALL of the things she's struggled with make sense now. Difficulty keeping friendships, the ones she has had have always been intense and usually end up getting too close and then dissolving completely for one reason or another.

Since she had this discovery I have been frantically trying to educate myself in any way that I can so I can be the best support for her that I can and so I can help her find the right professional support. She gave birth to our 2 daughters only 16 months apart, youngest being 4 months old. Since they were both born, her BPD seems to have intensified, likely because her coping mechanisms (running, working, going out with people) have dried up. She is very perfectionistic about parenting, which I love in some ways because our daughters are beautiful and amazing, but it's killing her too. So not only were her symptoms of BPD intensifying since the girls were born, but even more-so now that she knows what this thing is. She's been reflecting back on her life and becoming angry at everyone who didn't help her. She has notebooks from years ago pretty well explaining BPD without knowing what it is. She's seen plenty of professional therapists and counsellors who never figured it out, or if they did, they didn't tell her and convinced her she didn't need therapy.

The 2nd layer of this is that I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 4 years ago and I've been told by numerous people on my healthcare team that I need to be sleeping as much possible and removing any and all sources of ongoing stress from my life to stay healthy. So I am doing my absolute best to be her rock through starting on this journey but I am having weak moments where I lose my mind a bit and say something "wrong" and it sends her into a dissociating episode or a suicidal rage. I'm beginning to feel like the best solution to all of this would be for her to enter a month long rehab type of situation and have the grandparents take turns taking care of the girls while she's gone. I am not in a state to be able to stay a rock for her as long as she might need me to be. I work my butt off staying strong for a few days and then I slip up and everything gets sent back to where we started again.

Not really sure what I'm looking for from anyone here with regards to advice at all but I'm sitting at work getting insulting and threatening texts from her and don't have anyone to talk to about this. Thanks for reading.

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi redrabbit33,

I'm sorry to hear that you are currently getting texts from her. How are you responding to them?

For some real quick help on this particular issue here is one of our workshops on handling inappropriate phone calls. (I also include texts in this):

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=137370.0

As to everything else, I feel bad for your spouse. It sounds like she is feeling really let down through a lot of people. This would be a great place to practice some validation by sharing with her that you can understand why she feels so disappointed. When you find a time that she is less emotional, perhaps you could try to help her find some perspective in that BPD is often misdiagnosed because it is not a very common disorder and can often be masked by other disorders such as depression, ADHD, etc. Maybe even remind her how much research you all had to do just to find out what BPD was.

Do you think she might also be feeling some shame or embarrassment that she has an incurable personality disorder?

We have a lot of great tools on the right side of the page that can really help you. These can help you with learning more about BPD, better communication skills, and taking care of your own needs.