I need help on how to interact with my ex/understanding of what she wants.

[sadboi]

Hi all, I'm sorry for posting so much, but this has all been really hard and getting support on here is helpful.

Long story short, I had a really complicated relationship with a girl who had BPD. We dated, were friends for a while (the whole time of which she wanted to be together), eventually I told her I wanted to try again with her and she rejected me, and now has a new girlfriend. We said we were going to try and be friends again but her girlfriend said she had to pick between our friendship and their relationship. Obviously, she chose their relationship.

We go to the same university and we have a lot of mutual friends, so there are a lot of situations where we end up in the same space. Every time we do, she tries to make eye contact with me and have some sort of small interaction.

For example, we were both talking in a group of people and she said goodbye to everyone and everyone said goodbye back, and then she looked at me, made a sad face, and waved. Another time, I asked someone else directions to some place, and my ex had been listening to the conversation and answered when my friend said "I don't know."

I don't know what to do. It is not that I don't want to interact with her, if I had my choice, we'd be together. But since she literally decided to cut me out of her life for another girl, I don't really know what she wants from me. Even when she told me she couldn't be friends with me, I was understanding and nice even though it was hurtful and the entire situation is pretty messed up.

When I flat out ignore her, I can tell she is hurt, and I don't want to make her feel bad. But it is also really hard for me to interact with her casually, and I kind of feel like she has no right to expect that from me.

Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks to any who read/reply.

[Inside]

It’s been awhile since I’ve checked in... but wonder if 'where I’m at' can be of help to anyone not yet having arrived at a place of peace after their BP experience... .  My take on your experience is, if your former r/s has BPD, she’s incapable of following through with a longterm r/s.  She has the desire, thus her lingering attentiveness, but will ... instinctively end any r/s that requires more than she’s capable of delivering emotionally.   

BP’s become masters of projection, rarely taking blame for their limitations, they’ll instinctively blame you.  Unaware of their problem, you/ we internalize their criticism. In the meantime, they’re several steps ahead, cuz they’ve experienced this before.  Usually, we haven’t, so continue to self-assess while trying to help them.

Their situation is tragic, and permanent.  A clean break must come from and be enforced by us.  They tend to bounce between partners, working one r/s until it becomes too serious ... before moving on to another, and often returning to a prior r/s.  They love with all their might, and mean it - but lack the ability to move beyond infatuation, thus are stuck repeating the mating rituals that initiate romance but incapable of longterm love. 

My suggestion is to keep it cold and make it end.  Move away, and keep moving.  You must do better, for your sake.  Sympathy traps you, it did me.  Seek sanity 

[once removed]

i had a female friend with a controlling boyfriend who told her to cut off all male contact. its hurtful, and its also frustrating to watch. if you cut out your support system, you wont have anyone to lean on when the relationship crashes. a lot of us here were pressured to do the same thing.

obviously, she feels conflicted in doing this. she likely feels a good amount of guilt, and doesnt want you to have any hard feelings (and youre right, its not necessarily fair of her to expect that out of you; shes struggling with boundaries in general) nonetheless, its a decision shes made, and i think you dont want to get caught up in it.

i think youre doing fine. i wouldnt outright ignore her, that can take an awkward situation and make it more awkward, for everyone. no reason to initiate on your end. if she says something directed at you, smile and nod. be polite. walk the fine line between ostracizing her and respecting her wishes.

what do you want to do? what do you think is a good strategy for navigating this?

[vanx]

I am in a pretty similar situation with my ex. I wanted to say first that BPD aside, if you are having a hard time understanding what another person wants, that person may very well not know either.
I try to be friendly toward her because that is my value, but I also try to be careful because I know I can't expect her to reciprocate and meet my needs. Hang in there.

[vanx]

my point about not knowing oneself being you may get inconsistency. Just to validate your experience of your ex wanting to be together then reneging once you bring it up, my ex was very insistent about staying friends, worried about it. Then a little while later when I brought it up, it was as though the thought had never crossed her mind.

I agree with once removed--I think he makes a great point that your ex probably feels guilty and wants there to be no hard feelings. I think it just comes down to not being able to expect validation from a pwBPD whether you are together or not. Give that validation to yourself--no, you don't owe her anything! You are staying friendly because you are decent and you have compassion for her, and yeah, maybe because you still have feelings for her. My main advice though would be to release yourself from trying to understand what she wants, because like I said, maybe she has no idea herself, so it's like chasing the wind.

I want to be with my ex too. So at least we know what we want. But in the context, the question becomes what do we NEED to heal, to get on with our lives, and to take care of ourselves. I think you are doing fine as well. I know it's tough.

[sadboi]

Thank you to everyone who replied! you all gave good advice and helped me understand the situation a lot better. I feel more confident for the next time we will have to interact.