Likely my last financial boundary enforcement option

[Learn each day]

My heart breaks for this situation.

It sounds like your father's prognosis is really bad. I know that to be one of the relationships you really love in your life. I'm so sorry you are having to face the prospect of going forward without it.

I feel like when we are in a relationship with a BPD we really rely on our other relationships to help sustain ourselves - because we certainly don't get that from our romantic r/s. I'm sorry you are facing this on top of putting up with all the "crazy" going on. I think we foolishly expect support when things are at their lowest. Hope springs eternal.

You mentioned wife leaving your 4th grader at home. This would bother me SO much. Is there a good possibility of another visit before your father passes? I hope so. I'm sure there is a lot of love between your kids and father. I'm so sorry that you couldn't even count on wife doing what is best for your child. We expect sabotage for us but hope better for our kids. Sorry.  This would bother me more the the financial part of things I think. It is so selfish.

I know I'm not saying anything you don't already know. I just want you to know that I understand, sympathize and am praying for you and your dad.

LED

[formflier]

  This would bother me more the the financial part of things I think. It is so selfish.

I just want you to know that I understand, sympathize and am praying for you and your dad.

LED,

Thanks.

It bothered me greatly about my son being left.  I didn't focus much on it here, because... frankly... there isn't much I can do about it except express myself... and then accept the result.  (as compared to my control over my finances).

My direction... which I will re-emphasize is that when a child tries to bow out of a family event (which they do... they are kids)... the expected response is "We'll have to talk to your mother (or father) about that".  Reinforcing the principle that we are accountable to each other.  Sometimes this works great... .sometimes it doesn't.  I try to be consistent with it.

Yeah... .I believe God brings events into our lives, in part, to help us mature.  Having a front row seat to the devotion of my Mom to her husband and her wedding vows is a life lesson in and of itself.  Dad would do the same for her.  I'm playing my role as well.

The stark contrast in families is shocking. 

Derision and judgmentalism intended... my wife's Mother and aunt (mother's sister) had a fist fight at their mothers deathbed.

When I say nothing ever gets solved it that family... well... .I actually mean nothing.  Half of the brothers and sisters (of my MIL) did not attend the funeral or graveside.  To my knowledge, they haven't spoken in 3-4 years.  I doubt they will ever speak again. 

It's been two easters since I spoke with my FIL or MIL.  I have had some limited email/text with FIL.

Tie this into feelings for them, my wife, my relationships... .

Sigh.

FF

[Learn each day]

Wow... .again... .so similar.

Last year my grandmother passed and my sister, my mom and myself pulled together to meet her every need at the end and then take care of all final details. While sidestepping any "help" from hubby or his family.

This year (3 months ago) my FIL passed. Background: He was an abusive drunk their whole lives until about 25 years ago. We were about 27. He quit drinking and became a Christian. Really an amazing testimony) We knew his death was coming for quite a while. When he passed there was actual screaming/mourning in the room. It was as if each family member was trying to prove that they were the most hurt. Throughout final arrangements there was so much competition over where everyone would be seated and such. On the way to the funeral home for final arrangements hubby had a major blow up about me showing his sister too much comfort and support and not enough to him. REALLY?

So strange to see the differences. Don't get me wrong - my family (mom & sister) has plenty of dysfunction! The basic love and wanting what is best for the other though is really strong.

I know that I find myself really watching other families to get a feel for what "normal" is. I have a few very close friends that I share with and they try to keep my head in the center of normal loving behavior. I'm sure your big dose of seeing what love is (or maybe more importantly - what it isn't) has been deeply felt. Sorry for all that.

Prayers,
LED

[empath]

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad; it is so hard to deal with the craziness of BPD on top of the stress of having a seriously ill family member. I was able to have a front row seat to witnessing healthy marriage relationships during that time; it is a big part of my knowing that I couldn't keep doing the same unhealthy dance in my own marriage. It's beautiful to see when your own experience is so different than that. Then knowing that your own FOO was fairly healthy as well can create a weirdness to the whole thing.

I also wanted to say that I feel you when you talk about the financial impulsiveness. I am dealing with my own financial situation due to my husband's issues. Like you, I have been able to put some financial boundaries in place to protect myself from his issues, but I am still at risk. Last month was really tough in that regard for me. I'm considering options to limit my financial risks as well.

Anyone have experience with "testamentary" trusts created through a will.

As I've been investigating inheritance issues, I think it depends on the state in which you reside. My grandfather had a will that stipulated that their farmland and property was to be held in a trust by the grandchildren (collectively) until his last child died. My dad passed away fairly young, but my last aunt is still living. In my state, inheritance is not considered to be marital property for divorce purposes unless it is mingled into the marital property. The way things work right now with regard to the property is that each of the grandchildren pays a portion of the taxes and upkeep for the property annually.

[DearHusband]

FF,

I sometimes get the impression that your wife's behavior follows the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. It essentially goes something like this: Try to squeeze a particle into a smaller and smaller space and the speed at which it will try to leave that space will go up and up. Here, the particle is your wife.

In trying to understand things from your wife's perspective as well as yours. Can I ask you the following questions?

1. How does your wife view your boundaries?
2. When you establish a boundary, and she disagrees with it, how does she react?
3. Are there any boundaries that could be relaxed without materially impacting you?

Cheers,
DH