Reeling from phone call

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all.  After one year of no contact with a BPD sister, I just got a phone call message from her out of the blue.  She threatened to call my job and tell horrible things to my employer, said she wanted to beat me up, and so on.  I'm not going to respond, but I just was really thrown by it.  I was on the phone for 20 minutes with my therapist just calming down.  She has never threatened me physically before.  One year of peacefulness - what on Earth?  If you have experience with BPD family members making ambush attacks out of nowhere, I would appreciate any suggestions on how to best deal with it emotionally.  I have no plans to make any contact with her.  And, I am not blaming myself in any way.  I just feel off balance.  I know that's normal given I have just received such a message, but it still hurts.   Thanks.  Rebecca 333
  

[Rebecca333]

Hi all.  After one year of no contact with a BPD sister, I just got a phone call message from her out of the blue.  She threatened to call my job and tell horrible things to my employer, said she wanted to beat me up, and so on.  I'm not going to respond, but I just was really thrown by it.  I was on the phone for 20 minutes with my therapist just calming down.  She has never threatened me physically before.  One year of peacefulness - what on Earth?  If you have experience with BPD family members making ambush attacks out of nowhere, I would appreciate any suggestions on how to best deal with it emotionally.  I have no plans to make any contact with her.  And, I am not blaming myself in any way.  I just feel off balance.  I know that's normal given I have just received such a message, but it still hurts.   Thanks.  Rebecca 333
  

[catinahat]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are doing amazingly well, even if you quite naturally feel off balance.

You have the clarity to decide not to respond, talk with your therapist and not blame yourself. Dealing with it emotionally I suppose is absorbing, processing and healing. It must have been a shock to receive threats like this after a year of no contact. Perhaps give yourself time to grieve and absorb the facts of the situation. Perhaps really internalising the facts that it is not your fault, it is a situation that is out of your control and that if the worst happens, and she does contact your employer (I don't think its likely), you will have the strength to deal with that too. Healing ideally would be a process involving your sister, but if that doesn't work, you can heal yourself, with support and help. 

I have a parent with BPD who has made threats to me and my family over the years. She contacted my father-in-law's work to attempt to smear him and me. It was a minor workplace drama in a busy office, forgotten and dealt with by them very quickly. She has contacted the police several times to make various accusations of me and my husband. She accused my husband of domestic violence and claimed I was mysteriously missing when I hadn't emailed her enough. The police had a brief chat with me and understood immediately. She has also told the police I am a drug addict when I have tried to calm her down in public, she has told social services I'm an alcoholic in desperate need of support from her, she repeatedly accused my husbands family of controlling me and not allowing me to contact her. She has threatened to pay for a private detective to find dirt on me so she can get access to or custody of my kids. In the end, after plenty of therapy and reading and research, I understand a little bit more, I understand the boundaries I need to put up for my protection, and I maintain them. I have no contact with her beyond email, and even that is too much sometimes. She doesn't know where I live or work or my phone number. I avoid social media.

What is harder for me to deal with is the feeling of betrayal, that I'm being constantly undermined by the person I'm supposed to lean on. There may be a holiday, a window of peace, but with my parent, it always comes back to the same accusations and themes. So although it sounds negative or depressing, what I mean is, be emotionally prepared. I really hope your BPD sister gets help and treatment and you develop a great relationship, but it might be a good idea to be prepared for occasional events or outbursts.

So my advice, for what's its worth, is to keep doing what you are doing. Talk to your therapist, maintain your boundaries, don't respond to the threats, but maybe try to connect or reassure your sister, if you feel that would be useful. It's possible that after a year of no contact she feels abandoned and has lashed out in fear. Keep emails or letters in case you need them later (she may deny this event ever happened), be strong.

It hurts but it will pass

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Rebecca333! 

Welcome to our online family! I'm very glad you came and joined us. It's helpful to reach out among safe people as you deal with your sibling who may have BPD. This is a safe place where we are a family who understands because we all have someone who shows BPD behaviors in our lives. My mom was an uBPD.

 I'm very sorry for the unexpected pain of this event. Perhaps one of the most difficult in dealing with this type of behavior is how out of the blue it came. Rather like pulling the rug out from under you when you didn't even know you were standing on one!   I'm going to post a few links for you that will hopefully help you settle back into reality and allow you to catch your breath emotionally. It's important tha you allow yourself time to come down from this huge emotional trigger.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction bursts

This one is a video link about validating:
Validation and Invalidation

SET

Let me know what you think of these articles. What kind thing will you do for yourself today as you heal?

 
Wools

[Panda39]

Hi Rebecca333,

I'm just jumping in with my Human Resources hat on, you might want to give your boss or your HR Department a heads up that your sister is making threats about calling there.  That helps them not be caught off guard if she does decide to really call and they can be prepared to handle the situation.

I made my Boss and all my department co-workers aware of my SO's uBPDxw just in case.

Panda39

[OverIt3]

I can relate to how you feel.  Some days, for no reason at all my mom calls me picking a fight out of no where , hangs up on me, then calls back many times and leaves me nasty messages.  I've actually stopped listening to her messages and delete them right away because they just upset me.  Deleting them has made me feel a little empowered... .I am not going to let her upset me and get what she wanted.  It's so hard though  

[Alastor]

 I agree with panda. Depending on your relationship with your colleagues and despite feeling a bit embarrassing, it might be a good idea to forewarn them. You might be surprised by how many people can relate and the sympathy you’ll receive. My BPDm would call my coaches and teachers when I was a teenager to run me down, and the ones who had been forewarned had a totally different (and supportive) reaction than others unfamiliar with the situation.

Also, if people are aware beforehand, they may be more likely to handle the situation better themselves (it would be otherwise uncomfortable for some random person getting a flaming call from a BPD out of the blue) and tell you that she had contacted them. For me the worst was wondering if I was unaware the BPDm had called them, and now a colleague or boss thought nonsense about me.

[Alastor]

@catinahat,

Ditto here re the threats, calls to police, private detectives to get “dirt” for child services, etc from BPDm. However, normally something provoked her since she tends towards being a hermit; ambushes were pretty rare.

@Rebecca333, pure conjecture here, but I’d assume something happened in her life independent of you that triggered her to find an outlet and scapegoat for her anger. Annoying to be on edge, waiting for the next unprovoked and unexpected attack out of the blue, I know. But preparation helps and I’d simply ignore it - Not feeding the troll likely reduces the chance of it happening again.