BPD girlfriend of 2 years broke things off, need support and analysis

[monkeyface]

Hello,
I'm a 31 old male, living in Europe. I had been in two long-term relationships (7 years and 5 years) before I met my current ex, who is 4 years younger than me.

I'm a musician, I met her at a concert venue while I was still living with another woman (failing relationship).
We started talking online, on the phone. One thing led to another and in may of 2015 we had sex for the first time, told her I loved her and that I have to break things off with my then-gf. I broke up with said girlfriend exactly 3 months later, in August of 2015.

I immediately jumped into a relationship with the BPD girl.
She lived in a city 2 hours away from me.
I had no clue she was BPD, I had no interest in that condition and very little knowledge of it.
I think she was very well aware of it and now when I connect the dots, she wore it like a badge - even had a chameleon tattoo on her leg.

As usual, she was charming, sweet, very intelligent and idealized me completely. She gave me what I needed. I'm a very sexual person, and - as expected - the sex was mind-blowing. Of course I heard that it was the best she ever had.
I was her only stable partner in life, she had been in short relationships before but she has always said that her former boyfriends were abusive towards her - choking, raping etc.

When I met her, she was an anarchist, working at a tattoo parlor, very low income, constant money issues. At times she would even go out hunting for food in dumpsters behind a nearby mall in her city. At the time, I was at a very good place in life - I have my own apartment, was very calm and collected, had a very well paying job. I cared and provided for her.

Fast forward a couple of months and she began changing and maturing. When I met her, he seemed almost like a child emotionally, at times it even felt like I had to scold her for silly behavior. I would get into very long conversations with her about her outlook on life, trying to more or less gently guide her on the right tracks. Soon enough, she finished a programming course and was on her way to become an IT specialist. A couple of months  into our relationship, she contacted me out of the blue and said that she has found work in my town, rented an apartment and would be moving here in a matter of days. That caught me off guard, becuase such a big decision should come with at least a conversation or something. I thought it was strange and caught me off guard but I didn't care much.

I always felt that there was something not quite right with her, but I couldn't put my finger on it. On the surface, everything was great but inside, I felt that something was wrong and I couldn't get myself to trust her.

One day I went to her facebook and read a conversation she had with her then-best friend (bad behavior, I know, but I really felt that something wasn't right). In that conversation they were laughing at me, my girlfriend was showing her friend bits and pieces of the conversations we used to have online about certain personal issues I had been dealing with at the time, commenting on them in a demeaning manner. Huge red flag. I confronted her about it. The next day she showed up at my work, crying and saying she was sorry. She handed me a letter explaining that she loved me so much that she couldn't deal with her emotions so she was trying to diminish me. Huge red flag but I chose to ignore it and said that it was okay and asked her to stop doing that.

After that event, I started having serious doubts about that relationship and started contacting my ex. I wasn't sure what to do and felt that there was something seriously wrong about the BPD partner. In turn, she found out about my conversations with my ex and confronted me about them. We've both decided that we're 'even'. I explained her the reasons motivating my behavior, apologized but the relatioship has already been strained.

At the beginning of 2017, I experienced a series of severe personal issues which drove me into a 6-month depression. I was drinking heavily and isolating myself. My gf was trying to help somehow, but whenever I talked to her about any of the issues I was dealing with, she would reply with "stop being such a ___" or something of the sorts.

I had serious job problems, money problems and a drinking problem on top of that I was feeling like I was being left alone. She didn't really notice much of it and didn't seem to care that much. She was focusing on her IT career. Ever since she has moved to my city, her life changed dramatically - good job, nice apartment, new clothes. I was going under while she was growing stronger.

In July, we got into an argument, I was having a really bad day. I'm usually very calm and collected but that day something got into me and I got really mad at her, pointed out all the things which annoy me about her - burning bridges, mood swings, instability, treating me really badly at times, not providing enough support. During that conversation, she remained calm, tried to calm me down the best way she could. When I was done, she asked "do you care about us?". I said "I don't know". "Call me when you know". I didn't call for a couple of days. She showed up at my apartment, handed me a box with a bunch of stuff in it and a letter saying that she had a great time with me and that we should split. It ended with "see you in better times".

The next day I called her and asked if we could talk. We met in a public area, I apologized for my behavior and she basically told me to  go to a therapist and start taking antidepressants. She said that we're done and that she wants to start seeing other people. She added "I won't have sex with them because I don't feel like it". She told me that I can do the same thing if I want to. I said that I'm interested in seeing her, not other girls. She said that we should meet in 3 months, specifically gave me a date, time and a place. She called it 'a date'. I was devastated and couldn't figure out what her plan was. She told me that she wants us to remove each other from social media and don't contact each other.

I walked her to a bus stop, on our way there, she took my hand and said "everything is going to be okay, I love you, do you believe me?", to which I said "I don't, in three months everything can change and that relationship may fall apart", she replied "nope."

We arrived at the bus stop, she hugged me and I unexpectedly kissed her. Something was very strange about that kiss, it felt as if she didn't want to do it, but acted. When her bus arrived, she got on it, said that she loves me and left.
We removed each other on Facebook, but she keeps a photo of us, set up in such a way that only she and I can see it.

I went to a therapist, got on antidepressants and started working on fixing my issues. After about three weeks of NC I wrote her a long letter, saying that I was sorry for my behavior, that the decision to split was good and that I will do what she asked me to because it's good for me, her and us. I've also said that I'm open to the idea of re-starting that relationship and that I'm sure that I won't change my mind. Fast forward a month, and I talk to my best friend of 11 years - she tells me that my BPD ex is making moves at him. He said that he's interested in some other woman and that he would never date my ex but her attempts at getting him are pretty clear and obvious. Needless to say I flipped out. At the same time, I started connecting the dots and realized that she had BPD. Started reading up on it and every single thing fits - brief relationships, mood swings, irritability, numerous sexual partners, changing identity and personal beliefs in a matter of weeks or even days and so on.

I've decided to ignore the NC rule to validate the BPD theory, as I thought that her "rules" were set up in order to validate my feelings for her and to test the strength of the bond. I did a few small things - 'liked' a pic on facebook, sent her a text message saying that I'm on antidepressants, thanking her for motivating me to do so.

The next day, said friend came to my house at the evening and said that he saw my ex and that she changed overnight - he said that he saw her that day and that she seemed vey calm, happier and very outgoing. She told him about the dates she's been on and said that she prefers being alone over being in a relationship.
She must've known that he would tell me those things.

What's happening and how do I deal with this situation?
I won't keep breaking NC - like I said, just wanted to 'test' her.
She won't get my best friend.
I know it would be best for me to run, but I still have strong feelings for her.
I feel used and thrown away after I've served my purpose.
She's outgrown me and after I had stopped being useful, she has started looking for other partners.

Advice?

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[Meili]

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us.  We help and support each other here. A lot of what you wrote resonated with me and sounded like my own and many other stories on the boards.

I wish that we could explain to you what is happening. At best, we could only give you guesses. Fortunately, the second part of that question, how do you deal with it, is something that we can help with. A good first step is to learn all that you can about BPD, read the posts, lessons, and workshops on here. There is a lot of great advice contained in them.

When you said that she's outgrown you, what did you mean and why did you say that?

I can tell you that being in a relationship with a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) takes a lot of inner strength. So, while you're going through this period, you have something that you can actively work on, yourself. Self-care is always a great place to start. Are you making sure that you are taking care of yourself physically, socially, and emotionally?

Keep reading, knowledge is power, and keep posting, it's therapeutic.

[monkeyface]

When you said that she's outgrown you, what did you mean and why did you say that?

It's because I feel that in a lot of ways in the last couple of months of our relationship I began to fall apart due to certain circumstances. I got depressed and couldn't get myself to talk and/or open up to her. At the same time, she seemed to be growing stronger - got into therapy, is succesful at her new job etc.

I feel cheated and used because when she needed help I was there for her - motivating her and pushing her in the "right" direction, urging to make proper choices. When I was in need of serious help, she not only dumped me but also kicked me right in the face while leaving. It's almost as if she didn't have the guts to break things off for good and wanted me to leave on my own.
Now she's making serious moves at my best friend who is currently very stable, has a very well paying job etc. She even offered him a position at her company.
She's also telling him how happy she is alone and that she's hitting on plenty of other men.
She has to know that he's relaying all of that information to me.
I'm not even sure if that's for real or if she's trying to do her best to make me hate her and leave.
Either way, the entire situation is crazy.
I got the message so I'm not making any attempts at reuniting and I consider the relationship done for good. I'm just anxious about what will happen if said best friend refuses her advances.

I'm supposed to meet her on October 21st (she specified the date). Should I bring up the fact that I figured out that she has BPD?

I can tell you that being in a relationship with a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) takes a lot of inner strength. So, while you're going through this period, you have something that you can actively work on, yourself. Self-care is always a great place to start. Are you making sure that you are taking care of yourself physically, socially, and emotionally?

Yes, I'm taking care of myself. That's the most intuitive thing to do in this situation. I'm losing weight, working out, got a therapist to fix the issues I'm dealing with (depression).

[Skip]

What was the three months all about? My guess is that it is a trial separation. Rather than breaking up, you two are testing how being apart would be. 

You have a little insight into what has been going on with her... .but not much. Sounds like she is doing OK on her own.

There is a lot going on her. She picked herself up, got education, moved, new and better job, nice apartment, clothes... .she is improving herself. Good for her!

So who is she going to meet in October? New and improved, awesome you? Or wounded, "i think your mentally ill and why are you hitting on my friend" guy?

[Meili]

Skip asked a great question about who is she going to meet. It sounds like you're doing things to take care of the new you. I'm glad to hear that you're exercising and going to talk to a therapist.

If I may suggest, ask your friend to stop relaying information to you about what she may or may not be doing. It isn't helpful to your situation is it?

Another thing to ask yourself, do you trust your friend? In an earlier post, I think that you said that you did. Has something changed in that regard for you?

[monkeyface]

What was the three months all about? My guess is that it is a trial separation. Rather than breaking up, you two are testing how being apart would be.  
You have a little insight into what has been going on with her... .but not much. Sounds like she is doing OK on her own.

To me it sounds more like her testing how her life w/ out me in it would be. She seems to be doing OK on the surface but I'm thinking that if she was 100% happy on her own, she wouldn't be looking for a rebound so frantically and desperately. Her attempts at getting him are getting seriously desperate - she's messaging him daily, flooding him with information about herself and not leaving him alone. It almost seems like a goal for her to get him before time runs out.

She might seem like she's doing okay only because she has her sights set on the friend.

There is a lot going on her. She picked herself up, got education, moved, new and better job, nice apartment, clothes... .she is improving herself. Good for her!

So who is she going to meet in October? New and improved, awesome you? Or wounded, "i think your mentally ill and why are you hitting on my friend" guy?

I don't want to sound jaded (I know I do) but her life was broken and in pieces when she and I met. Her life improved considerably and changed when I was around. I'm not saying that I'm entirely responsible for the positive change but I know that I pushed her in the right direction. That's why I feel so bad about being discarded and painted black when I was in need of help and could definitely use a mature, responsible partner who would help me get back on my feet.

When I see her, I will make sure not to discuss the situation with the friend at all. I will do my best not to seem wounded and will not confront her about the mental issues. Those are great ideas.

Skip asked a great question about who is she going to meet. It sounds like you're doing things to take care of the new you. I'm glad to hear that you're exercising and going to talk to a therapist.

If I may suggest, ask your friend to stop relaying information to you about what she may or may not be doing. It isn't helpful to your situation is it?

Another thing to ask yourself, do you trust your friend? In an earlier post, I think that you said that you did. Has something changed in that regard for you?

I'll ask the friend to stop talking to me about her and gently break things off, telling her that he has another woman in mind. I trust him 100%, he's on my side and he sees how crazy the whole situation is.

[Meili]

When I see her, I will make sure not to discuss the situation with the friend at all. I will do my best not to seem wounded and will not confront her about the mental issues. Those are great ideas.

If I might also suggest, follow her lead as far as any talk of a relationship between the two of you goes. You don't want to appear pushy, needy, or clingy. Those things are not attractive.

Also, are you doing interesting things with your life right now? Not having anything interesting to talk about will make you sound sad, lonely, desperate, and depressed. Even if you feel that way, it's best not to project it. Again, all are unattractive. A word of caution though, you actually have to be doing those interesting things that you talk about. She'll likely see right through it if you're not.

Another caution is to not seem like your life is perfect and better without her. It's a delicate balance. Something along the lines of "I've been doing ok. I finally started taking that hamster grooming class that I've always wanted to take."

As I said, all of these things must be real though. You actually have to believe that you are doing ok and actually have to be doing things that you find interesting.

It's the "I'm doing ok" part that people usually struggle with. If you accept your current circumstances for what they are, and I mean really accept them and not compare them to where you'd like to be in life, you'll probably realize that you're actually doing "ok." Sure, we'd all like something more in life, but accepting where we are at makes the current situations more bearable. We all know that the only thing that is permanent is change, and things change with the future.

Oh, and one last thing, let go of all expectations about what may or may not happen when you meet. Just accept that what is going to happen is going to happen. What she does is completely out of your control. That goes along with accepting things for what they currently are.

Can you think of any interesting things that you can do in the meantime?

[AskingWhy]

monkeyface, I am sorry about what you are going through, but I am glad you have the clarity of thought to want to analyze and figure things out.  A therapist will help you work things out and provide guidance.

True BPDs are frustrating, and I am sorry you have to experience this in someone you care for.  It means walking that fine line between being to close and being pushed away.

You are a strong person to see yourself through a depressive episode.  With a BPD partner, it's best not to rely on them when you are truly in need of help.

[monkeyface]

I a

If I might also suggest, follow her lead as far as any talk of a relationship between the two of you goes. You don't want to appear pushy, needy, or clingy. Those things are not attractive.

Also, are you doing interesting things with your life right now? Not having anything interesting to talk about will make you sound sad, lonely, desperate, and depressed. Even if you feel that way, it's best not to project it. Again, all are unattractive. A word of caution though, you actually have to be doing those interesting things that you talk about. She'll likely see right through it if you're not.

Another caution is to not seem like your life is perfect and better without her. It's a delicate balance. Something along the lines of "I've been doing ok. I finally started taking that hamster grooming class that I've always wanted to take."

As I said, all of these things must be real though. You actually have to believe that you are doing ok and actually have to be doing things that you find interesting.

It's the "I'm doing ok" part that people usually struggle with. If you accept your current circumstances for what they are, and I mean really accept them and not compare them to where you'd like to be in life, you'll probably realize that you're actually doing "ok." Sure, we'd all like something more in life, but accepting where we are at makes the current situations more bearable. We all know that the only thing that is permanent is change, and things change with the future.

Oh, and one last thing, let go of all expectations about what may or may not happen when you meet. Just accept that what is going to happen is going to happen. What she does is completely out of your control. That goes along with accepting things for what they currently are.

Can you think of any interesting things that you can do in the meantime?

Great thoughts. I'm 100% focused on getting myself better, for myself and not for her. I'm working on fixing the core issues which caused the depression (family issues, work - in the process of changing jobs right now), I'm losing weight, working out, running and keeping myself busy in general. Steering clear from substance abuse (which used to be a problem for me, my go-to method of dealing with depression). I was a very high-functioning addict for a long time.

monkeyface, I am sorry about what you are going through, but I am glad you have the clarity of thought to want to analyze and figure things out.  A therapist will help you work things out and provide guidance.

True BPDs are frustrating, and I am sorry you have to experience this in someone you care for.  It means walking that fine line between being to close and being pushed away.

You are a strong person to see yourself through a depressive episode.  With a BPD partner, it's best not to rely on them when you are truly in need of help.

I'm the happiest about figuring out her condition. She was leaving traces of information for me to follow like breadcrumbs but I just brushed them off and she did not want to discuss the nature of her issues with me when I confronted her. Now I've finally started to connect the dots and the answer is obvious - she has BPD and knows it. She wanted me to know it as well.

Another funny thing, one day she came back from a business trip to London and brought me a postcard.



She gave it to me and said "please keep it". I asked her "why a pineapple?", to which she replied "because pineapples are very good". I had no clue what she meant as she was very cryptic. Without much thought I took the postcard and put it in a kitchen drawer with all her other letters, photos etc. A few days after, she came to my place and asked "where do you keep the postcard I gave you?", "in the drawer, why?", "please put it on the fridge".

I think she was trying to warn me. She's been always telling me that I'm a very good and kind-hearted person. I think she meant it and didn't want to harm me.

She is under the impression that I "cheated on her" with my ex, which is not true (not in the physical sense). Also, I think that my PBD partner has harmed herself. After the big fight which ultimately led to her breaking up w/ me, she came to my place to talk to me and was wearing a dress. We were sitting on a couch in my living room, I was talking, not looking at her. I did however see that she was gently pulling her dress up to show me the burn on her leg. I didn't say anything. She said later that she burned herself with boiling water shortly after our fight "but she did not want to call me because she was afraid that I would say that she did it to herself". She took photos of the wound and sent them to the friend she's interested in. His first thought was that she must've done it to herself on purpose.

I'm under the impression that the thing which pushed her away from me was not directly related to my issues or behavior. I think she sensed that I'm seeing right through her theatrics and not buying into her drama and antics. She was always most upset about me "not trusting her". I couldn't get myself to trust her at all because I knew that something was very wrong with her. That's why I wasn't letting her get too close to me.

I'm in a weird spot right now. Rationally I know very well that the relationship will not ever work (unless she acknowledges her condition and gets to therapy targeted specifically at that core issue). On the other hand though, I still have very strong feelings about her.
I just don't want to be treated like disposable trash and I want a partner I can rely on during the worst of times. Not one who will wait for me to fall to kick me down and try to drag me through a psycho-emotional maze aimed at controlling me. She wants me to follow her through the 3-month trial and keeps me around as her plan B. That's why instead of breaking up for good, she told me to work on myself and said that "she loves me the most in the world". I'm too good to be someone's plan B.

Any ideas on how me breaking the NC influenced the situation?

Thank you all for the support and replies so far. You're all very helpful.

[monkeyface]

Any ideas on how me breaking the NC influenced the situation?

I can't edit my previous post so I'll just use this reply.

I have a feeling that in her mind, "I broke her rules", therefore it must mean that I don't have feelings for her (if I did I wouldn't have broken NC). That's probably why she's now making very frantic and desperate attempts at a rebound with the friend. She wants him to replace me. That's also why she's trying to paint me black and told the friend that she likes men who are completely different than me (physically).

[Meili]

I'm in a weird spot right now. Rationally I know very well that the relationship will not ever work (unless she acknowledges her condition and gets to therapy targeted specifically at that core issue). On the other hand though, I still have very strong feelings about her.

The question is whether or not those feelings are strong enough to want to find out whether or not you will both work on the relationship (you cannot know what she might do in the future after all) and put forth the effort required to do so?

I just don't want to be treated like disposable trash

Then, don't allow yourself to be treated like that. It is your responsibility to protect yourself, not hers.