Will it fade?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Almost 4 weeks to the day, my BPD girlfriend came back from a cruise and declared over text that our relationship was over. She said she "wanted to life a different life than the one she's been living". She told me she wanted to be friends and was more than willing to include me. She was very vague with her explanation, and I figured she had her crosshairs set on somebody else. I felt like she didn't want to drive me away for the sake of keeping me as a spare tire.

We've had a little bit of contact. It's all been upbeat for the most part. I'm just trying to not insight panic in her or myself by normalizing things and not inquiring as to what she's been up to and such.

She's dating somebody whom she's known for a couple of years. She dove into the relationship a day after she split up with me. Who knows, maybe it overlapped.

The reasons for her having done this aren't ENTIRELY clear to me, even though I know she's seeing someone. The last few months we havent done a whole lot. I've had an ankle monitor on for about 120 days now, and I suspect the time we spent at my house added up and may have rendered her perspective on our relationship dull. She seemed very happy and excited to hear that my monitor was coming off several months earlier than it was supposed to when I told her last week.

She has a blog which I check sometimes. She basically divulges her innermost thoughts and feelings. It's her playground. She's been raving about this dude. "the happiest ive ever been", "im finally in a relationship which is based on honesty, integrity, blah blah blah." "im in the position ive always wanted to be in, im so receptive I dont have to hide my emotions I can hold my head up etc etc... ."

Funnily enough, this is all very similar to the blog posts she used to make about me when we first got together.

She seems smitten for this dude.

When we first got together, I felt so elevated and praised. I was idealized- I was almost worshiped. Everything I had to say intrigued her. And then it didn't. She began to have days with increasing frequency of feeling anxious, depressed, etc. No amount of my comforting her, whether it was physical or emotional, seemed to have a lasting effect. There was always another hurdle. Some nights she would rage for no reason. Of course, it was my fault.

Is this guy she's with destined for the same? They've been dating for a month, it would seem like the perfection phase will pass soon.

Of anyone she's dated, she dated me the longest. She lived with me for over a year. When and if she experiences the same problems with this guy, is she positioning herself to crawl back to me?

It just breaks my ___ing heart seeing how easily she was able to terminate me. After everything. I've spent periods of my life drudging thru the mud, and I thought I knew what was in the mud. I guess not.

Somebody who I found very helpful and informative told me to not contact her. I tried, but I jsut couldn't do it. She was my best friend and she clearly still enjoys talking to me. She just doesnt reach out like she used to because of this new "distraction".

Have any of you had similar experiences? How long did it take for your BPD ex's new relationship take to crumble/fall back into their pattern? Do BPD ex's have a habit of reaching out?

I don't think I'm "painted black" as I often hear. She seems to interested in speaking with me.

[Sargeras]

Almost 4 weeks to the day, my BPD girlfriend came back from a cruise and declared over text that our relationship was over. She said she "wanted to life a different life than the one she's been living". She told me she wanted to be friends and was more than willing to include me. She was very vague with her explanation, and I figured she had her crosshairs set on somebody else. I felt like she didn't want to drive me away for the sake of keeping me as a spare tire.

We've had a little bit of contact. It's all been upbeat for the most part. I'm just trying to not insight panic in her or myself by normalizing things and not inquiring as to what she's been up to and such.

She's dating somebody whom she's known for a couple of years. She dove into the relationship a day after she split up with me. Who knows, maybe it overlapped.

The reasons for her having done this aren't ENTIRELY clear to me, even though I know she's seeing someone. The last few months we havent done a whole lot. I've had an ankle monitor on for about 120 days now, and I suspect the time we spent at my house added up and may have rendered her perspective on our relationship dull. She seemed very happy and excited to hear that my monitor was coming off several months earlier than it was supposed to when I told her last week.

She has a blog which I check sometimes. She basically divulges her innermost thoughts and feelings. It's her playground. She's been raving about this dude. "the happiest ive ever been", "im finally in a relationship which is based on honesty, integrity, blah blah blah." "im in the position ive always wanted to be in, im so receptive I dont have to hide my emotions I can hold my head up etc etc... ."

Funnily enough, this is all very similar to the blog posts she used to make about me when we first got together.

She seems smitten for this dude.

When we first got together, I felt so elevated and praised. I was idealized- I was almost worshiped. Everything I had to say intrigued her. And then it didn't. She began to have days with increasing frequency of feeling anxious, depressed, etc. No amount of my comforting her, whether it was physical or emotional, seemed to have a lasting effect. There was always another hurdle. Some nights she would rage for no reason. Of course, it was my fault.

Is this guy she's with destined for the same? They've been dating for a month, it would seem like the perfection phase will pass soon.

Of anyone she's dated, she dated me the longest. She lived with me for over a year. When and if she experiences the same problems with this guy, is she positioning herself to crawl back to me?

It just breaks my ___ing heart seeing how easily she was able to terminate me. After everything. I've spent periods of my life drudging thru the mud, and I thought I knew what was in the mud. I guess not.

Somebody who I found very helpful and informative told me to not contact her. I tried, but I jsut couldn't do it. She was my best friend and she clearly still enjoys talking to me. She just doesnt reach out like she used to because of this new "distraction".

Have any of you had similar experiences? How long did it take for your BPD ex's new relationship take to crumble/fall back into their pattern? Do BPD ex's have a habit of reaching out?

I don't think I'm "painted black" as I often hear. She seems to interested in speaking with me.

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[JaxDK]

Sounds like she wants to keep you on the back burner in case this new thing doesn't pan out. As for how long it can last? There's no way to tell. Could be months and years. It depends on how high functioning she is and how much this new replacement will put up with. The best way to get an estimate is looking at her dating history, and how much YOU had to put up with.

I'm sorry this happened to you. There's absolutely nothing worse than when our ex's meet somebody new. It really tears at our core. It does get better however.

It doesn't sound like you are in a place right now where you can go NC but maybe LC is the way to go? You have to ask yourself how much pain you want to put yourself through by staying friends with her. I can tell you from experience staying in contact makes things 10 times worse. Sometimes it's a lesson somebody have to learn on their own.

[Duplicity]

Sargeras,

I understand where you are coming from. Since you are her longest relationship thus far, I wouldn't go so far to say that this new guy she's seeing is destined for the same. But It's always a possibility. If she really likes him, there IS a chance that she could be moving on. She seems capable of long term relationships since she had one with you. That doesnt mean shes stopped caring for you. She really may want to be your friend. This woman lived with you. You made her feel safe, loved and secure at one point. I don't see her just letting you go, no matter what problems you had with her. She is still in regular contact with you, maybe not as regular as youd like. If you were her "spare" so to speak, there would be very limited to no contact. She would give you "just enough" to keep the door open in case her new guy doesn't work out. Probably wouldnt be too eager to talk if and when you DO talk. My boyfriend doesn't reach out to me that much either now and I'm certain it's because hes still talking to his ex. His phone rings all the time, so i know hes chatting it up elsewhere. So I understand how you sad this makes you feel. I feel the same way.

Please understand that your ex may really be struggling internally and really going through some things that have nothing to do with you. She also could be testing the waters and seeing what else is out there. One thing is for certain though. If she just left you without explanation, it's a possibility that she will do the same thing to him. Or he could just be a rebound while she's trying to see how things go with you. I do agree that she needs to miss you, but too much of that could be interpreted to mean that you don't care. It's a delicate balance.

[Sargeras]

Thank you both very much for your responses. I take them in.

It sucks knowing other people are able to relate to this, but I guess that's why we're here. I'm the kinda guy who would rather talk about it than not.

I regret making statements to her during our relationship bouts like "let's break up then". I never meant it, even if sometimes I thought I did at the time.  I thought of it as beating her to the punch because sometimes she would say things like that. I told myself I was being "preemptive". It was immature and silly. I've read and learned so much these past few weeks. I totally f*cked that up. I should've known better. While she didn't necessarily display her terror/anxiety in its full capacity when I said things like that, I'm certain it was there, bottling up inside of her.

I don't take what she did personally, and for that reason I believe further interaction with her to some degree will not breed toxicity. Whether she did it the right way, the wrong way, keeping me on the back-burner, etc, having a constant fear of abandonment must be really f*cking rough- this inability/extreme difficulty having trust. I want her to KNOW she has a slot in my future. The last thing I want is for her to question my caring for her, regardless of how she plans to proceed with her life. She's not an angel, but she's a good, caring, honest person and I think somebody like that, BPD or not, is worth staying beside.

Since she still wants to see me, I'll use what I've learned to build her up. I just want to focus on having a good time with her, nothing else.